A little-known monument in Fairview Cemetery.

You won't find it in the tourist guides -- do we HAVE tourists? -- but it's one of Fairview Cemetery's most compelling monuments, called the Memorial to the Victims of Inept Urban Forestry.

C.R.E.A.M. y'all: Slick Jeffie releases cookout menu for Saturday, September 7 love fest.

I get the whole Wu Tang thing, but Eric Cantona?

Maybe he's taking a parks department job.

We spoke too soon, 'cuz Deaf Gahan's big-ass city suck truck effectively slowed traffic at this dangerous intersection on Spring.

This truck managed the impossible; its presence parked in the middle of Spring Street on Monday morning objectively slowed traffic.

It was fun watching cars pass on all sides.

The suck truck's success in slowing traffic at Spring and 10th has so impressed Dear Leader that he's commissioned a permanent fix -- without the suck truck, but with a nice homage to his shimmering reign.

It's the Jeff M. Gahan Presents the Spring Street Roundabout.

Although maybe he should be facing east to discourage visitors.

Over at Twitter, Deaf Gahan Sardonicus is ON FIRE -- but after all, that's why he's here.

If you are a devotee of the "electric Twitter machine" (credit CP Pierce) and are not following Deaf Gahan, it's time to play catch-up. Hilarity and brutal accuracy all at once? It's lovely, just lovely.

SHANE'S EXCELLENT NEW WORDS: Deaf Gahan has become Sardonicus, but what is to be our verdict?

Gahan's "Stormwater Blues" really had this one pegged.

But he writes randomized typographic filler text with the best of them.

"If it wasn't an election year it would have passed 9-0 ... this opportunity is gone." Anyone got a Kleenex?

"It's all private property."

Yes, Deaffrey ... it is private property, and YOU can do anything you want with it.

Texas anti-masturbation bill moves closer to becoming law, by Adam Lusher (Independent)

Under the Man’s Right to Know Act, Texan men would be fined $100 for every 'unregulated masturbatory emission' - although they may be reassured to learn this is a satirical bill highlighting how women have been targeted by anti-abortion laws.

A bill that would see Texas men fined $100 (£82) for masturbating has taken a step closer to becoming law after it received its first reading in the state’s House of Representatives.

Under section 173.010 of House Bill 4260, the Man’s Right to Know Act, Texas men would only be allowed to masturbate under supervision, inside approved health care and medical facilities ...

Looks like it's time for Adam to have that father-to-son chat with Deafferson.

Wait -- what was that?

The article's from 2017 and it isn't even about Colonial Manor?

My bad. Thanks to J for directing me to the real piece of belated local journalism.

Back to 'square one' for Colonial Manor redevelopment in New Albany

City officials still consider area a priority

"If it wasn't an election year it would have passed 9-0," New Albany Mayor Jeff Gahan said. "The council's vote killed this opportunity. This opportunity is gone ... the council's no vote killed the deal ... a corridor study about what? It's all private property ... it was decided to move forward and buy the property ... we missed our chance to revitalize Colonial Manor. Nothing is scheduled to happen at this time. It's a disappointment."

Gahan's Colonial Manor solution?

Fact is, redevelopment's fix was a hurried election-year political ploy from the start, but as we've noted previously, politics is a bauble for Gahan alone. No one else can be allowed to play with his ... er, toys.

 Our mayor's quite the crybaby when he doesn't clutch get his own way, isn't he?

BREAKING: What's a mayoral personality cult without a delicious classic snack stroll?

Following Jeff Gahan's big money is an arduous task, but the Green Mouse has been under the weather these past few days. Our examination of Gahan's #CultureOfCorruption will resume shortly.

The Jeff Gahan Money Machine, Part 6: GM Development, yet another economic development consultancy from afar.

The Jeff Gahan Money Machine, Part 5: In 2019, Gahan will pass the half million dollar mark in campaign fundraising since 2011.

The Jeff Gahan Money Machine, Part 4: The Estopinol Group and Cripe Architects are just two facets of River Run Waterpark's fertilizing effect.

The Jeff Gahan Money Machine, Part 3: Eight-year donor Terry Ginkins and a consistency of beak-wetting.

The Jeff Gahan Money Machine, Part 2: Of fire stations, amphitheater studies and Axis Architecture and Interiors of Indianapolis.

The Jeff Gahan Money Machine, Part 1: Mysterious CRS Marketing and the inevitable HWC Engineering tie-in.

Our out-of-touch, tone-Deaf Gahan, bought and paid for by special interests. Let's hear YOUR stories about Gahan's #CultureOfCorruption.

Joe Donnelly's fatherly advice to Jeff Gahan -- a pictorial.

Still, wouldn't you like to see Joe come back and campaign for Jeff in 2019?

Just a candid photo of the mayor juggling cans of Bud Light Mang-O-Rita.

After shaking them up, he'd have handed one to a homeless person -- except there are no homeless people in New Albany.

Barksdale made HIS bad choice, and now it's unlikely the Moser Tannery can survive any more of Deaf Gahan's tender loving care.

Who'd have guessed he studied architecture? You'd think it was an elective at veneer salesman's school.

Moser Tannery photo credit: Nick A.

Jeff Gahan redefines the Human Rights Commission as an exciting new captive mayoral art project.

This post was edited on September 7 to correct an unfair bias against HRC appointee Cliff Staten. For the explanation, go here.

Mayor Jeff Gahan has released the winning entry in his Human Rights Commission Mayoral Art Project, which posed the question: Can you take this strange idea ...

... and make it palatable to Democratic Party voters?

And the winner is: JEFF GAHAN!

Here is the mayor's winning entry.

To recap:

Gahan belatedly rediscovers misplaced "pride," appoints Warren Harding Nash to the long lost Human Rights Commission, and disappears back into the bunker.

Predictably paranoiac and suitably suspicious, and unable to find any symbolic minorities to co-opt with Human Rights Commission seats, Gahan appointed two old straight white males tied to the local Democratic hierarchy, so no, he's not exactly artistic, our Jeffrey.

The bunker-bound mayor seeks only to control the HRC, and we need to understand that assigning political cronies like Nash to an HRC kept inert on blocks by Gahan himself over a period of YEARS reflects absolutely no commitment to human rights.

Gahan barely understands the concept, much less cares to pursue it. Rather, it's about appointing loyal Democratic sycophants to keep CONTROL over the apparatus -- in short, to try to ensure the HRC remains dormant.

The last thing Gahan wants is an autonomous, principled and active HRC, because the first order of business for an autonomous, principled and active HRC would be investigating Gahan's record in office.

The good news? It's a malfunction that we can repair, very soon.

#FireGahan2019
#FlushTheClique
#CleanSweep2019
#GetOutYourPitchforks
#VacantGahanValues

"I'm electric," says a kite-bearing Duggins to Riverview residents as Gahan disappears into yonder bunker.

If you're not following Hon. Deaf Gahan on Twitter, you should be. It's both hilarious and deadly accurate.

Meanwhile, Dugout's making the rounds to "listen" to displaced residents of Riverview Towers.

Or, "we shall gather at the sycophants." May of 2019 draws ever closer: #FireGahan2019

Temporary electric fix being tested at Riverview Towers, by Aprile Rickert (Where Tom May Stores His Stuff)

Some residents could move back home Sunday if successful

New Albany Housing Authority interim director David Duggins updated the NAHA board of commissioners on the situation at a special meeting Friday afternoon.

Duggins said a temporary fix was being tested Friday on the first floor and six residential floors. If it holds, some of those residents can begin moving back in by Sunday. Duggins said they will make certain the fix is secure before notifying individuals who may begin moving.

Once that is in place, engineers will begin performing the same fix on the remaining floors and work to move residents back in stages.

"What we will not do is rush our residents back there," Duggins said.

Duggins said he and staff have been visiting the residents each day at hotels and said they are doing well; he thanked them for their patience.

Anchor-approved arborist: Perhaps David Barksdale's Tree Bored can use this exciting new toy to "beautify" Market Street.

"Damn," said former redevelopment kingpin David Duggins. "If only we'd used one of these for the Greenway, Summit Springs, Main Street, Judge Cody's place, Thomas Street, Bicentennial Park ... say, do ya think it might work on those crappy buildings at my public housing estate?"

GREEN MOUSE SAYS: Trowel in hand, CM Phipps demands city-county wall.

At the April 2 city council meeting, my 3rd district councilman splashed ice-cold water on the very notion of city-county cooperation.

(Mr. Phipps) explained that he is vehemently opposed to a merger (of 9-1-1 call services) because of the horrible track record that the county has with every venture they have entered into with the city. He stated that as long as he is on the council, he is not even willing to entertain a discussion with the county on merging any type of services. He added that whether Dr. Knable intended it to or not, it did bring that issue to the forefront and he appreciates that they can be civil about it.

Filled with the caliber of satirical zeal that comes from years spent in proximity to political underachievement on the part of the councilman, the Green Mouse has learned that Councilman Phipps is set to propose a definitive solution to the problem of county government perfidy.

"I will build a great, great wall on our western and northern border, and I will have Mark Seabrook pay for that wall. Mark my words."

Of course, if Seabrook won't pay, there's always TIF.

Floyd County Democrats reveal council president Knable's responsibility for brush fires, potholes and a mistaken school lock-down. He may have voted for GOP candidates, too.

Party chairman Adam Dickey's really been on a roll lately.

Here's Dickey's statement about the Axis of Evil: Honest, Able and Knable. As loyal Gahan flunky Pat McLaughlin once said, "This resolution is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen -- and I wrote it."

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Republican Al Knable distorts truth to advance political agenda

Councilman spat chewing gum on public sidewalks and did not separate recyclables from household waste

Did you see the week's headlines? There was one that was just too important to miss. The crux of it - Republican City Councilman Al Knable keeps doing things to advance his political agenda.

The story began in 2015, when Knable and two other Republicans were elected to at-large council seats, defeating the Democratic Party's three genetically superior candidates -- except John Gonder, who we had to knee-cap because he kept thinking independently, but we won’t talk about THAT.

Knable stated to the News and Tribune that he recently prepared for work by breakfasting on a banana, brushing his teeth and leaving the house, but the banana Knable claimed to have eaten never happened.

Speaking on behalf of Gahan4Mayor personnel Friday, New Albany Police Chief Todd Bailey cleared up the incident:

“After an extensive investigation into Knable's household trash bin, including the building inspector’s inspections of his house’s wiring and HVAC, we learned President Knable ate an apple, not a banana, as he previously claimed.”

Bailey went on to say that there was no record of a Gahan4Life campaign donation coming from the location in question, and that the state fire marshal and Democratic national Committee have been contacted as a professional courtesy.

The fact Knable insists on having heretical viewpoints of his own in contrast to a proper reverence for Dear Leader is disturbing enough, but to use them in support of a political party that threatens the Democratic Party’s monetization machine is more troubling. It illustrates Knable’s willingness to lie and distort the truth to advance his political agenda in spite of what is in the best interests of the Mayor and his only true, right, Christian and shopworn political entity, which Knable should be deferring to, as has been customary for city residents since the sainted FDR called the shots.

If Al Knable is willing to lie about something as important as a banana, can we really trust him to cook the pork chops to 145 degrees?

Schlock and awl: Duggins' captive NAHA to meet the candidates, prepare voter lists for future persuasion, and play-act some make-believe democracy.

But are they registered to vote?

Over at the New Albany Housing Authority, Commissar David "125K" Duggins is getting into the spirit of democratization, announcing that President Alexander Lukashenko of Belarus has endorsed Duggins' bid to become Executive Director for Life.

Not only that ... a party!

But seriously, there really will be a pre-primary candidate panel and loyalty oaths voter registration rally on Thursday, March 29, from 6:00 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. at the Erni Avenue gym.

Structural engineers have affirmed that the gym should be able to withstand the shock waves of hypocrisy emanating from Team Gahan members in attendance.

Below, the text of the letter announcing the event. As a friend observed, "As you can see, an uninformed reader might come to the conclusion that Duggins cares about the residents."

NA Confidential readers know better, of course, as do South Seas islanders and the woman in the moon.

#FireGahan2019

In the wake of Sunday's pedestrian murder by autonomous Uber in Arizona, councilman McLaughlin renews his call for proper speedway markings.

They work where I work, he added.

Whether Gahan or street grid, if we'd all just stay inside the boundary stripes, it would be so much easier for the pillars of our community to think clearly.

Fatal Uber Crash Raises Red Flags About Self-Driving Safety, by Laura Bliss (CityLab)

After a woman in Tempe was killed by a self-driving Uber, local law enforcement was quick to absolve the company of blame. Transportation experts aren’t so sure.

Every day, as he goes to and from work, Arizona State University urban planning professor David King rides his bike* past the intersection where Elaine Herzberg was killed on Sunday night. The seven-lane road (counting turn lanes) in Tempe, Arizona is wide open, with no bushes or parked cars for a person to jump out from behind. In the immediate vicinity are a large park, an office building, and a nightclub that’s closed on Sundays—few potential distractions for a driver negotiating the area.

Herzberg, a 49-year-old woman who was homeless, was pushing a bicycle laden with her belongings along this road when she was struck by a self-driving Uber vehicle around 10 p.m. Sunday. She later died at a hospital, gaining the grisly distinction of being the first known pedestrian to be killed by a self-driving car ...

I must have missed this meeting. Was it a unanimous vote?

The fine structure is a shade ambiguous ...

To “ride someone out of town on a rail” is a classic American locution dating back to the early 19th century. In its usual figurative use, “to ride someone out of town on a rail” means to severely punish them by means of ridicule or public condemnation and, optimally, to banish the person utterly from further serious consideration in whatever field they committed their offense ...

... “Running men out of town on a rail is at least as much an American tradition as declaring unalienable rights,” according to historian Gary Wills in “Inventing America” (1978), and the punishment does seem to have been a fairly common, and uniquely American, phenomenon until the early 20th century.

While the “rail” in the phrase might conjure up images of the disgraced malefactor being dispatched out of town via the nearest railroad track, the actual “rail” involved in literally “riding someone out of town” was usually the sort of rail used to construct fences, i.e., a long, often rough-hewn, bar of wood. The victim was usually seated astride the rail as one would ride a horse (a position which was, not surprisingly, very painful).

The rail and its rider were then borne by two men, usually part of a large mob, to the town limits, where the banishee was dumped in a ditch and warned not to return. The warning was often amplified by the application of hot tar and feathers to the rider, a punishment that was extremely painful, often permanently disfiguring, and occasionally fatal.

City Hall Wants You ... to "collaborate with cross-functional teams" and "maintain City information in a confidential manner."

Never Forget: Inflatable Date Night.

Dude -- I saw where it talks about maintaining city information in a (NA Confidential) manner, so I tried to apply on-line.

Damn thing blocked me.

But that's okay.

After all, it doesn't say anything about pay scale in official Anchor City scrip.

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Events and Promotions Coordinator
City of New Albany - New Albany, IN

This position is responsible for all marketing and event coordination. This includes all planning, coordinating, and execution of the events. This position is critical in planning and facilitating events for the Community and staff throughout the City of New Albany.

SPECIFIC DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES

"*" denotes an essential function of the job

Collaborates with cross-functional teams to create and gather necessary internal resources, such as advertising, human resources and information technology. 

*Develops and distributes internal communications regarding upcoming promotions and events via social media and other marketing materials. 

*Monitors daily spending and invoice status to ensure total costs are within the established budget and routinely coordinates with the Parks Director before, during and after event purchases. 

*Maintains inventory of displays and other equipment needed for upcoming events and promotions. 

*Addresses staff and guest questions and/or complaints in a professional manner and works to reach a timely resolution. 

*Arranges entertainment or guest speakers for events and promotions, as approved. 

*Assists with vendor contract negotiations. 

*Prepares reports, presentations or other materials as appropriate per event. 

*Leads the promotion or event from concept to clean up and every detail in-between. 

*Assesses promotions and events to ensure employee understanding, guest satisfaction, budget alignment and profitability. Perform other duties as assigned.

STANDARDS OF PERFORMANCE

Demonstrate informative and professional assistance when working with vendors, co-workers, and the public. Act independently and originate new procedures and new approaches to problems. Display excellent verbal and written communication skills. Maintain initiative to preserve the flow of work. Work under stress and with commitment to deadlines. Sustain interpersonal relationships which encourage openness, candor and trust, both internally and with the general public. Complete projects and/or reports in accurate and timely manner. Maintain City information in a confidential manner.

MENTAL AND PHYSICAL REQUIREMENTS

Ability to work as a team member. Display professional appearance, warm demeanor and positive attitude. Be a motivated self-starter. Work independently and to be accurate, efficient and organized. Manage multiple tasks simultaneously. Work under pressure with time constraints in a changing environment. Stand, walk, sit, reach with hands and arms, climb, balance, stoop, kneel, crouch or crawl occasionally. Lift and/or move up to 25 pounds occasionally. Specific vision abilities required by this position include close vision, distance vision, color vision, peripheral vision, and the ability to adjust focus.

WORKING ENVIORNMENT AND CONDITIONS

This position requires working in the internal and external environment. This position requires a flexible work schedule; night and/or weekends may be required.

EDUCATION, EXPERIENCE AND TRAINING

Minimum of high school diploma required; some college preferred. One to two years events, promotions or marketing experience preferred. Previous customer services experience. Ability to effectively communicate both orally and in written form. A pleasant, friendly, and outgoing demeanor. Experience in Microsoft Office products, specifically Word, Excel, and Outlook required. Ability to handle a high volume of activities and/or events simultaneously. Willingness to take on additional tasks as assigned.

EQUIPMENT AND TOOLS

Computer and peripherals. Event and Promotions Equipment. Recreational equipment. Aquatics equipment.

City of New Albany - 3 days ago

View job

Team Gahan presents the incredible TIF Man -- the superhero who alchemizes property taxes into campaign finance.

Sources tell the Green Mouse that transparency is like kryptonite to TIF Man, though not Council Woman.

That's because there aren't any council women, are there? Now, let's follow the millions ...

Join us on February 23rd at Silver Street Park for SUPERHERO DAY! Superhero Day is the first event in the GeekStreak series at City of New Albany Parks and Recreation this year. Unleash your inner-geek with with this event series tailored to comic, fantasy, and science fiction fans. These family-friendly events are designed to share some of these classic stories with the next generation of kids.

For more information about Superhero Day, and our other GeekStreak events planned for 2018, please visit: www.newalbanycityhall.com/geekstreak