Erika makes an investigative funny.

Perhaps the strain of three posts in ten days is getting to New Albany's infamous faux academic.

Investigate?

Papa?

But her post isn't even about sports.

QUESTIONS FOR MR. MAYOR AND NEW ALBANY'S MERIT BOARD MEMBERS........

... Maybe it's time for Chris Morris of the News & Tribune to investigate what is going on here with the recent cutting of Officer Schook's pay and benefits...

YOUR not going to believe what Erika just said.

And you're not going to believe it, either.

Periodically we enjoy showcasing the rib-tickling polemical skills of Vicki Denhart, who for many years, in what might be the great lost Monty Python sketch if it weren't real life, has been masquerading as a male college professor named Erik at a blog called Freedom of Speech.

Thousands of New Albanians of all ages have no idea who she is or what I'm talking about, and they are the fortunate ones.

Granted, English language skills have never been the Vickster's stock in trade; witness the sentence above she intends as vicious comeuppance, but which merely comes off as untutored drooling: "Your just NOT qualified."

Verily, ever since Shirtless Marvin died, we've been concerned about the health of a woman who smokes like a chimney, taxes her heart with rage-filled denunciations of modernity, and pines after Hillary Clinton with a fervor that can only emanate from someone who has been beaten by Dan Coffey in a council election.

Fortunately, MN has cracked the code of Vicki's sporadic recent postings.

I figured out the pattern:

4th of July
Thanksgiving
Christmas
New Year's
Valentines Day
St Patrick's Day

By gum, I think he's got it. These must be visitation days at the asylum. Maybe someone should ask Auntie V.

NA council: 1st district's Coffey alone in hermetic Westendia.

It's been an affair to remember, with the customarily mercurial Dan Coffey and a coquettish Jeff Gahan making goo goo eyes at each other for more than three years amid predictions that it couldn't possibly last.

But now Gahan has a primary challenger. Can David White come between the ideal power couple -- a gentle caress here, and a few more CCE demolition kickbacks there?

Right now, it's the Wizard of Westendia, alone at the starting line.

---

CITY OF NEW ALBANY COUNCIL MEMBER DISTRICT 1
(Precincts New Albany 1, 21, 23)

D Dan Coffey 425 W 7th St

---

But what about Coffey's former opponent, Erika the Headless Poli-Sci Pretender? She's back blogging after a 44-day hiatus, but has refrained from renewing her failed anti-Coffey jihad. Since there's whatsoever to discuss about the 1st district race unless an independent joins it or the Republicans appoint a warm (come to think of it, we shouldn't assume a pulse) body following the primary, let's rewind to May 5, 2011 and an entertaining post-mortem of the previous primary.

Meanwhile, over in the bafflingly hermetic 1st district, (Vicki/Erika) Denhart’s fundamentally overarching narcissism received a world-class and long overdue puncturing, not coincidentally illustrating the Price Three-Way Cluster F***/Theorem in reverse, and ensuring Dan Coffey’s entirely unmerited victory over Denhart and the luckless Theresa Timberlake, the latter again losing by only a handful of votes.

Based solely on Denhart’s previous recorded claim (made to the newspaper) to have spent $1,200 on yard signs, it cost the taxpayers’ purportedly Hillaryesque savior fully $8.16 for each of her paltry 147 votes.

Had I spent at the same rate, my 1,341 votes would have cost just shy of $11,000, and yet I spent less for them than the cost of steak, eggs and the build-your-own Bloody Mary bar on Sunday afternoon at Bank Street Brewhouse.

Denhart and I both lost. C’est la vie … although that’s French, not Italian. Gucci … Chianti … Rocco, and all that.

Someone?

Anyone?

Do you live in District 1, and would you like to contest this seat in November as an independent candidate?

Let me know, because we have much to discuss.

See the complete primary election listings here.

Bleak houses, outhouses and soused Green Mouses.

Look -- it's the annual love note from the troglodyte who isn't a man, but plays one on her blog. In the spirit of the season: Right back at you, Ms. Denhart; please don't choke on your ... Gucci.

CHRISTMAS GREETINGS FROM OUR HOME TO FREEDOM OF SPEECH ...

Erika Denhart rejects walkability, injects Speckophobia and expectorates noxious projectiles.

Rather than link you to Erika's unkempt litter box, from whence various disordered personality viruses lurk and the stench of unfiltered Chesterfields send you running for a handy Febreze, I'll merely reprint all of it right here.

For those newbies just tuning into the chronic illiteracy fest that is New Albany, suddenly trendy or otherwise, Freedom of Speech is a production written, produced, directed and oozed by a perpetually disgruntled woman named Vicki Denhart, who in it plays a role of her inspired creation, Erik, a bok-reading college professor who does not exist, this fiction being necessary so that her Fred Phelps-like thunder-puffs can be hurled anonymously, without comment. This, then, is "freedom" of speech, Erika-style. Occasionally she takes her show on the road to council meetings, lurching and rasping through lengthy denunciations of modernity until the nicotine fades.

Verily, cities can be defined by the persistence and oddity of its one-chord, obviously affected eccentrics. Perhaps we can name a tax after her ... after her.

Psst, officer ... looks like we have a new customer for the enchanted kingdom.

---

FREEDOM OF SPEECH

THIS BLOG IS DEDICATED TO ALL THE LITTLE PEOPLE IN NEW ALBANY. ALWAYS REMEMBER THE FREEDOM TO SPEAK NO MATTER WHAT THE SITUATION. WE ARE NOT GOING TO GIVE THESE FREEDOMS AWAY. NO ONE SHALL TAKE THESE RIGHTS FROM US. THE MOMENT WE BEGIN TO SEE THE PERSONAL AGENDAS IN CITY GOVERNMENT, WE SHOULD SPEAK OUT. WE NOW HAVE A VOICE. WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE ON THE WAY OUR CITY GOVERNMENT OPERATES. MY PHILOSOPHY IS COMMON SENSE AND SEEING THINGS AS THEY ARE, AND DOING THINGS AS THEY SHOULD BE DONE.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 12, 2014

DUMBEST STATEMENT WE EVER READ.....

"Won't be a traffic study" but traffic will be studied."

We really do believe Mr. Speck says whatever pops into his head without forethought at all. $75,000 is just another EASY pay check and some free beer to him.

Talk about a Conflict of Interest.

Why are they wasting $75,000 of our money when there are"more important issues" that need dealt with?

A message to Mr. Warren Nash: How do you sleep at night?

Mr. Baylor if you want a walkable city, why don't you just do us all a big favor - move and stop "bullying downtown business owners."  Several businesses have told us, they put those stupid signs up just to shut you up!

Like the bible says: "the truth shall set you free."

Is it Erika, or Erica, or Airikka? Is he or she it? Bigger than a Wal-Mart white bread basket?

Erika's back.

First, she scrutinizes the May primary ballot and offers LOCAL PRIMARY 2014 ENDORSEMENTS, and by her subterranean trognonymous standards, it isn't a bad showing: Only three misspellings of candidate names ...

A(e)bersold
Schellem(n)berger
Byerl(e)y

 ... and a sentence coming after the list, advising readers to vote for the "following" names. It just goes to show that when it comes to the choice between proofreading and unfiltered Camels, every day's a smoke break.

But there's more!

The ellipse is teasingly elongated in In WHO'S - WHO IN 2013...., and NAC's senior editor gets a special nod from a special educator.

Biggest Bully of 2013 - Roger Baylor

Yay for me. I'd like to thank the preschool academy ... but seriously, Erika, is it Gardner or Gardenour? Same person, right?

Is it Schellemberger, Schuellenberger or Schellenberger?

Do the spellings change according the case and gender, as in this foreign version of English you're using? Is it a patois? Are barnacles impeding your pathway through the syntax?

Shouldn't you be supporting Coffey against Seabrook, so as to remove him from your seat to ultimate power (and Versace handbags) in the 1st council district?

Will Auntie V take you with her when she moves to the Gulf?

So many questions; so very little interest.

NAC's 7,000th post: Seven years on, Vicki Ann Denschak still masquerades as "College Professor of Political Science," as city yawns.

A hearty "Happy Birthday" to Freedom to Screech, which expends its 59th posting of the calendar year 2013 to boilerplate back-slapping -- and who needs grammar, spelling and style guidelines?

We are sure others have discovered that it's not easy keeping a blog fresh and current.

Indeed, it is. NAC's 1,115 posts this year haven't been easy at all, but let's not be churlish on such an auspicious occasion.

The Palsied Poseur Abides, and we are immeasurably somnolent for it. Hip hip, hooray, because while she's opposed to big government spoying on its citizens, there's nothing wrong with eavesdropping on your own neighbors. That's America!

HEY...IT'S OUR BIRTHDAY!

 ... New Albany is really a small town and while you are enjoying breakfast, lunch or dinner at the local bars or restaurants, people are listening to your conversation and taking notes.

Will FOS be joining the innkeeper when she sells out and moves to balmier climes?

Stay tuned ... if you can stay awake.

Part four of live blogging for Monday, February 6.

G-12-02 Ordinance Amending the City of New Albany Ordinance G-09-06 Concerning the Bicentennial Commission Membership ... Zurschmiede 3rd reading

No questions, no comments: Vote is unanimous in favor.

BOARD APPOINTMENTS:

Bicentennial Commission: David Barksdale, Jim Meeks

UEA: Coffey already ... Ron McCulick & Allen Howie ... next meeting, will fill the other one next time

Board of Zoning Appeals: Jameson Bledsoe

MISCELLANOUS ITEMS:

COMMUNICATIONS – PUBLIC (non-agenda items):

Steve Price: Here to talk about the executive order for health insurance. Praises neighboring mayors. Council owes everything to the taxpayers. If the order didn't leak out, via a private citizen, and was signed in July, then was the fix in? "Major red flags," which Miss Denhart will address. Price gets incoherent -- free form commentary. Nothing unusual there. Are the Nazis back at the VFW?

Steve Burks: Agenda concern. Glad to hear that two council members professed Christianity, but concerned that we've gone to a reflection instead of an invocation. How did this get removed? Benedetti says: "I did." Coffey says that he's Catholic and likes to do it his own way. Burks will talk to her later (with a paddle). He's peeved. Three members agree with Benedetti. Burks a-whining. "As a pastor in this community" he prays for all of them. Note that this is his standard invocation when he gives it each prior week, since there never really has been different faiths represented. Promotes transparency, and would like to see it come into play. Exalts council members as "servants of the people" and quotes either from scripture, or state law. Reads from text, wants the executive order to be a great bellwether in the history of the city, to protect people, unless those people want cheap housing, and then it's about property taxes (oops, that's Caesar's line).

Jessica Knable: Thanks everyone who reversed the executive order, and praises Price, Burks and Denhart for bringing the issue to light. Thanks Gahan for reversing it. Reads a series of variations on the "for the people" homilies. Promotes transparency.

 Vicki Denhart: She needs more time. She has stacks of papers. She wants to set the record straight. "I leaked it." Mentions citizens for accountability. Time for some old-fashioned England scourging, high entertainment quotient. When she first got the information, she couldn't tell anyone. "It's a real executive order." Now, time, to scourge Gahan: After supporting Gahan, and telling him, "I said Jeff, I pray to God I don't have to go up against you," she now has turned on him. He told her he'd rescind it on one date, then rescinded it on another. She called Gahan, and he did not return the call. So, she called Charlie Pride at the state. She called Burks, and Price. And she called Benedetti, and Chris Morris, and asked if they had the executive order. She went to the clerk's office, and her professional girls couldn't find the order. Vicki understands that everyone would keep information from her. Denhart then proposed swapping the executive order (which she had) for Shane Gibson's contract, which Vickie G. Gave her.

(I've stepped out from NA and into a Hee Haw episode)

Denhart now dissects the Gibson contract. According to her, even after he was signed up to do piece work, his family still got health insurance. No matter what people think, why aren't people like the clerk and council members not seeing these documents? This seems to be her point amid the performance art, which started well, and now is slowing. "This is wrong," she says. She has sprayed fire at England, Gibson, and Gahan, and says the word "hell" a lot. Scott Blair says that he is offended by her language, but Denhart is mad, and there is no excuse, and almost no one would be allowed to do at the lectern what they let her do, but I suspect that is intentional. She now addresses Blair, to say that she's going to the big people upstairs, and righteousness shall prevail.

Suellen Wilkinson: Offers her own prayer to end the meeting. Asks God to rescue us from pettiness, but I'm afraid that horse bolted some time back.

No action taken on the remaining:

IN COMMITTEE:


TABLED ORDINANCES:


G-11-18 An Ordinance Authorizing the Issuance of Sewage Works Revenue Bonds for the Purpose of Providing Funds to Pay the cost of Certain Additions, Extensions and Improvements to the Municipal Sewage Works of the City of New Albany, Consisting Of Certain Storm Water Improvement, the Collection Segregation and Distribution of the Revenues of the
Sewage Works and the Safeguarding of the Interests Of the Owners of the Sewage Works Revenue Bonds; Other Matters Connected Therewith, Including the Issuance of Notes in Anticipation of Said Bond; and Repealing Ordinances Inconsistent Herewith ... Coffey 1 & 2

Denhart's opposition to diversity and advocacy of intolerance.

Today, twice failed council candidate Vicki Denhart turns to overt racism at her veiled "Freedom to Screech" blogsite, again prompting the question: Is there any aspect of this woman's intolerant political beliefs that come anywhere close to those embraced by genuine Democrats?

ILLEGALS & IMMIGRATION...

The invasion of America from south of the border is not immigration. It is a massive, intra-continental population shift of nation destroying magnitude. If it is not stopped cold and reversed, thew America that we know today will cease to exist and we will be left with a divided, semi-third world mish-mash of a country.

REWIND: Tempest in a tinhorn’s teapot (2009).

Dan Coffey has proven himself temperamentally and educationally unsuited for public office so very often that we’ve largely ceased pointing it out to readers. It simply is a given, accepted by one and all, like knowing that Dallas Cowboys fans always are obnoxious, Lite beer has no flavor, and White Castles are flatulent.

1st district voters unfortunately have acquiesced to keep Coffey in office, and by doing so, they’ve doomed themselves to persistent irrelevance. But the Wizard of Westside faces two opponents next Tuesday: Theresa Timberlake, who narrowly lost to Coffey in 2007, and Vicki Denhart, a.k.a. “Professor Eric” the masked blogger.

Reports suggest bloody, hand-to-hand, medieval warfare in the 1st district, and not unlike civil wars in isolated Asian jungles, outsiders can hear the noise and feel the earth shake when the bombs explode, but they have little clear notion of the situation within.

The following column, which was first printed in the News and Tribune on September 10, 2009, reprises the famous council meeting when Coffey, Denhart and the Publican (that’s me) collided. A year and a half ago, the copperhead defended the troglodyte’s virtue. Now, she’s gouging out his eyes.

Who will win? All I can say is, “Go Theresa.”

---

BEER MONEY: Tempest in a tinhorn’s teapot.

By ROGER BAYLOR, Local Columnist

At the September 3 city council meeting, its president remarked that he could not “in good conscious” vote for a particular ordinance.

However, Dan Coffey mustered sufficient consciousness to vote in favor of an amendment to precisely the same ordinance, but only after publicly inquiring of the city’s long-suffering clerk as to how the tally stood prior to his own decision finally being registered.

Malaprop theatrics like these matter because they violate the council’s own rules of order, which prohibit the president from joining in a discussion before first passing the gavel to a colleague, but because reticence would not suit Coffey’s view of the council president as ringmaster of a flea circus, he seldom observes protocol and frequently flaunts it. Apart from a solitary recent instance, his fellow councilpersons seem content to acquiesce in their workplace being governed by the ward heeler’s whim.

Meanwhile, members of the public – known as “taxpayers” if favored by Coffey and “them people” if not – are periodically compelled to abide by randomly applied rules, and so it was that at the meeting of August 20, during the course of departing the council chamber for more stylish digs down the street, I famously uttered a few cross words.

Last weekend, Coffey deigned to put his name on a letter to the editor of this very newspaper, attesting to his somewhat inaccurate recollections of my transgression. Ever since then, sometimes when sleeping and other times while conscious, my conscience has bothered me, though not for the reasons you might expect.

Surely no one, least of all me, likes to lose his temper, and yet it happens to all of us from time to time. There are occasions when it is inordinately difficult to maintain one’s composure, as when baseless innuendo is being peddled to a council evidently too bored or self-serving to respect the sanctity of genuine truth, primarily because baseless fabrications better fit the pre-determined prejudice of the body’s vitriolic president.

Yes, I lost my temper. Just the same, much of the remainder of Coffey’s depiction of the scene belongs on the shelf alongside “Alice in Wonderland,” or even more appropriately, “Pinocchio.”

---

Forever exaggerating, Dan Coffey would have you believe that a harmless little old lady was steamrollered by a truncheon-wielding Communist, but the woman in question is an outspoken citizen activist who, to put it mildly, is quite fluent with name-calling, mud-slinging, publishing a trash-talking blog under the pseudonym of a non-existent male college professor, and other characteristic acts of local political foreplay.

Of course, the limited pleasures of foreplay are as good as it can get with the current sitting council, because in order to reach a climax, something actually has to be finished.

In his letter, Coffey suggests that those whom he has arbitrarily judged guilty of rambunctious behavior should be held to a higher standard of accountability, seeing that among them are Tribune columnists and members of local appointed non-profit boards.

Funny, but I don’t recall the saintly Coffey deploying the same logic back in January. Here are excerpts from what I wrote at the time:

“(Mark) Cassidy came before the council and waited patiently for the opportunity to read a prepared statement and to ask a simple question: Does the current legislative aggregation have any intention of doing its Constitutional duty to draw fair electoral districts by lawfully redistricting for the first time since 1992?

“Cassidy … politely endeavored to ask this question, but Coffey … argued with Cassidy and gaveled him down.

“The story resumed … with Coffey's verbal and physical harassment of another, entirely different citizen in Studio's. There, surrounded by witnesses … Coffey initiated a heated discussion with (Jeff) Gillenwater that ended with Coffey aggressively grabbing Gillenwater by the shoulders and vowing to be ‘like a copperhead’ and to ‘strike when you least expect it.’”

---

So much for civility. How does Coffey reconcile hypocrisy of this magnitude?

More significantly, why do his somnolent council seatmates tolerate it?

Only one of them, John Gonder, possessed the intestinal fortitude in January to suggest that Coffey deserved some form of censure. The others sat and stared at the floor, and now, bizarrely – pathetically – they just can’t understand why they’re regarded as political laughingstocks by anyone who takes the time to observe them in non-action.

Me? I take my deserved lumps when erring, which is why I’ve always signed my name to everything I write -- always have, always will. Passion for the cause of civic progress and a profound inability to suffer fools at times may lead to unfortunate outbursts, which I regret. Know that if given the chance to do it over, I’d have used a different noun, though not a different modifier. Color me defiant, and unrepentant, and let the chips fall where they may.

But here’s the rub: Coffey’s breezy fiction to the contrary, this entire story isn’t at all about me, my friends or our values. It’s about the desperate concoction of a smokescreen for the ongoing failure of the Coffey Council to offer any semblance of leadership in the form of a pro-active future vision for the city of New Albany.

Coffey’s cavalier disregard for the rules of engagement is a nasty symptom of the rot within, one that is being left to fester by council persons who quite simply know better and yet do nothing. In terms of legislative achievement, Dan Coffey’s council is barely conscious.

Do any of its members still have a conscience?

REWIND: Truth remains stranger than fact ... Team Hammond, Team Screech, Sis 'n' Boots, and much ensuing hilarity.

In which Erika reveals why she must masquerade as Erik. Reprinted by request of the Kitchen Linoleum blog; originally published on June 24, 2009. Links might be outdated, but who cares?

---

In the end, the epiphany always finds you.

I can’t pinpoint its arrival in my case, but as an avid reader of history, it long ago became clear to me that a record of human events is inseparable from personal qualities that are fundamentally and eternally irrational. Envy, greed, disappointment, anger, pride, vanity, ego, arrogance … they’re usually the best explanations for decisions and positions that defy logic, whether in the heat of the moment or afterwards, when dispassionate observers seek to fathom motives for occurrences that simply don't make sense.

Apart from neighborhood politics, here's interesting achival reading from the TEAM HAMMOND TAXPAYERS' GROUP (that's right -- all shrieking caps and righteousness).

It's dated Tuesday, February 5, 2008, and is attributed (imagine that -- intellectual honesty) to the Hoosiers for Fair Taxation blog on the same day. There is no longer any sign of it there, if in fact it ever was posted, although HFFT's discussions from the corresponding time period are unintentionally hilarious, with leading Indiana tax activist and crypto-fascist hypocrite Eric Miller having just commenced his bizarre linkage between property taxes and gay marriage, prompting some Libertarians to look around the romper room and wonder if they came through the wrong door.

Because it may already have been deleted once, and to preserve this masterpiece of muddle in the public record, I'm reprinting it in full.

---

TEAM NEW ALBANY: "YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT IT BAD?"

We received this message today from Freedom of Speech Team, our activist friends in New Albany.

Our city is a train wreck about to happen. Our new mayor is our old mayor of 12 years ago. He is a crook and a bigger CROOK now. You cannot imagine what all he has done over the last 30 days- an $11,000 raise for himself. We now have 2 deputy mayors a 118 take home cars. In 16 years we have spend around $60 million dollars on sewers and we now have another $47 million to spend. They have been giving like $32 million dollars in 2007 in tax abatements. They have borrowed $5.3 million from sewer utility to cover our general fund and never paid it back. We have been to the city prosecutor, Indiana atty. general and even the governor and been told is too political.

You think you have it bad in other counties. Listen to this one:

My sister is the assessor for our county. I worked for her for 5 years. During the entire time I worked there she was cutting peoples' property taxes to get re-elected.

Her first deputy works doing income taxes for 3 months out of the year. She not only collects a salary FROM doing taxes but a nice check from City. It took me 2 years to figure out what was going on and then I started making copies of time sheets and everything I could get my hands on. I mean boxes of paper work.

Well to make a long story short, my sister came to my new home (I purchased Sept. 2003 and moved into November 2003) on Martin Luther King day 2004 and handed me my termination papers. And told me she didn't have to give me an excuse to terminating me. So we got a bunch of citizens and current employees together and created Freedom Of Speech, IN 2005. Of course I am the only person who knows who everyone is. People know I'd not tell if someone put a gun to my head. Our cars have been trashed, gasoline poured on my porch. Spray painted "Bitch " on my garage door. On my birthday there was a box on my porch wrapped in a telephone cord with a bullet tied to it. Of course I deny being with Freedom of Speech.

My entire family has turned against me because I promised my dad before he died if she ever fired me to take her down. Well, I have been sitting with all this information, video tapes, time sheets. They also collected comp time and are making a fortune in local government.

I couldn't afford to fight her over being fired. I could not afford an attorney. This entire town is a house of cards. It would be so easy to expose this corruption and all if someone would help. I have even considered going to the FBI. You folks think you have it bad you ought to be living here. We have cops following us everywhere.

They are playing a shell game with our city money. Our state board of accounts audits is down right criminal for 4 years. Employees have been overpaid, our parks department ran up a $10,000 cell bill in one month. State Board of Acccounts tell us they have no power.

We don't have money to fight them. People are scared and won't even attend council meetings. I wish someone had some ideas or answers how we can fight back. We're the little people, working class citizens and have no recourse. We just keep plugging along but what can we do?? I'd be willing to go into protective custody to blow the whistle on these crooked "bastards".....

No one will touch this I swear, I have been trying for 4 years....

BTW, I guarantee this could turn into a movie deal. This is nothing but pure corruption, ghost employment, criminal crap and all we want is help to put all these crooked bastards in jail.....!!!

I have all these documents and no one to help us!!!!!!!! We need more than a Tea Party in our hometown, trust me.

Freedom of Speech Team in New Albany

From Hoosiers for Fair Taxation
Tuesday, February 5, 2008

REWIND: The Faux in all of us (2010).

It you really want to know the roots of the epic 1st district council mud rasslin' battle currently being waged by Dan Coffey (Cappuccino) and Vicki Denhart (Erik), as the well-mannered Theresa Timberlake patiently seeks voters repelled by the persistently foul humor of both her opponents, you might return to this column of January 28, 2010. Timberlake can win the primary with 34% of the vote. Wouldn't that be delicious?

---

BEER MONEY: The Faux in all of us.

By ROGER BAYLOR, Local Columnist

We interrupt today’s scheduled examination of TIF areas, EDIT funds, CDBG grants and UEZ legislation in order to add a few more acronyms to the raging bonfire of troglodyte discontent, in the form of this Disassociated Press (DP) dispatch.

New Albany, INDIANA -- Citizens Faux Accountability (CFA) has announced that it will file an emergency remonstrance against Greenwich Mean Time (GMT).

“Time must stop, and it must stop right now,” reads a crayon-stained press release from the shadowy, selfishness-first cult that has been noteworthy in its fetish for garish “NO” signs, habitually (and illegally) placed in public rights of way.

“The city of New Albany can no longer afford to move ahead to the following day. We see no future in the future, and as long as clocks continue to move forward into time and space, rather than backward into our rose-tinted pasts, local rate payers won’t be able to feed their families with another sack of unnecessary Chinese plastic trinkets sold at Wal-Mart.”

According to city police and anti-aphorism experts, CFA is the political wing of the local clockstopper movement, one that harbors another, more radical faction responsible for an audio message dropped by aging carrier pigeon on the doorstep of a local watch repair shop, which the pigeon apparently mistook as the village of Greenwich on Thames.

The chilling message, hastily dubbed onto an 8-track tape that formerly featured Ray Conniff’s Easy Listening Hits of the 1970’s, is from a fringe operative calling herself Commandante Erik. She says that her group has determined that calendar pages must start turning backward, or she’ll “put the big hurt” on GMT and its foremost local patron, New Albany’s mayor. Here is an excerpt:

“What we property owners, don't understand is why we are being lied, too. Who should the Little People of New Albany trust, hour own absolutely positivity that we can’t desist in this modern world, or the England administration’s puppetheads at Greenwich Mean Time?

“Kill the clocks! Kill ‘em all! We’ll be young and free again!”

NA Confidential has its own spies, who tell me that when Commandante Erik agreed to a surreptitious meeting with Councilman Cappuccino to discuss the theories and principles of contemporary obstructionism, aides for both camps agreed that the summit conference take the form of a two-bagger.

There was a bag over the councilman’s head in case the bag over the sign planter’s head broke.

They decided to get together out by Li’l Stevie’s cement pond, and were led into place by their handlers, Legal Bagel and Copper D. Head. It got ugly, and fast.

“You’re in the mayor’s pocket just like all the rest,” thundered Commandante Erik.

“That’s not true, sir, I mean ma’am,” countered Cappuccino. “I’ve tried my darndest to obstruct the mayor’s plans just like you have. I do my best, and them – them – people get in the way.”

As Cappuccino gestured in what he imagined might be the general direction of East Spring Street, the Commandante spat, which was fine, except the bag had no pie hole.

“Progressives put on their pants just the same way that you do,” she said, somewhat soggily. “You are wearing pants, aren’t you Cappuccino?”

Suddenly the tuneful guitar pickin’ from the porch stopped, and a familiar voice rang out:

“No!”

Cappuccino and the Commandante answered as one: “Li’l Stevie, is that you?”

“No it ain’t – I mean, yes, it is. It’s me, it’s me – just like Ernest T. What I meant was that you fellers are gettin’ close to the edge of the cement pond. Best be careful.”

“I can swim, you know,” hissed Cappuccino. “I learned how at Bazooka Joe University.”

“Of course you can,” said Li’l Stevie, “it’s just that you can’t swim in the cement pond.”

“And why not?”

“I can’t afford to fill it with water on my rental property residues.”

Had the bag not been firmly in place, there’d have been a pained expression on the Commandante’s face.

“Li’l Stevie, you mean ‘revenues’, don’t you?”

“Aiyeeee,” screamed the porch player, “She said ‘revenuers’! Quick, let’s run for it. They’re coming to take our corn likker and video poker machines – and raise our property taxes!”

Li’l Stevie grabbed a handful of tea bags from the pickle barrel, all five commenced to running, and they didn’t stop until they reached the root cellar at the Luddite Bar & Grille.

---

Mercifully, we leave our clockstoppers, both elected and appointed, to cower with their teabags in the basement of the only bar in town that still has a rotary dial telephone.

Me? I’m bullish about the future, if for no other reason than my lack of a choice in the matter.

Perhaps there always will be the lure of a nostalgic past, with its low prices, minimal taxes, simpler restaurant menus without all those foreign words, three television networks, two beers, gay people too scared to come out of the closet, back alley abortions and Sheriff Andy keeping the peace.

However, I’m not sure I want to revert to my 1983 pay scale, or to relive the bile-infused Nixon era, or to wake up one morning to find myself too young to get served alcohol on a regular basis without risking the use of a fake ID.

Maybe, when I finally hit the CFA demographic and become bitter about the senseless desperation of my life, it’ll all make sense.

Until then, I support GMT, and think that you should, too.

Why political yard signs?

It didn't take long for Professor Erika to be victimized ... again.

As Chris Morris reported last Thursday, 1st district council candidate Vicki Denhart says that someone is stealing her signs; specifically, gone missing from Padgett-owned property (an entirely legal sign placement scenario, as opposed to the signs soon to be sprouting from the verges, which are city-owned rights-of-way) is a sign the size of this one:

As I try to imagine how a conniving Cappuccino-laden Copperhead snake might shake and slither such a sign to the ground -- perhaps it was merely ingested whole and swallowed -- permit this observation: We seem to be witnessing a veritable "arms race" when it comes to political signage sizes. Moreover, a Tribune website comment on the Denhart story hones in on the real point with admirable force:

jimgray wrote:

How bout NO SIGNS. I'm personally sick of seeing the proliferation of yard size signs on every available corner, right-of-way and telephone pole. Just about every possible profession, lawn services, cement purveyors, Nanny providers, groomers and yes, politicians place these signs any and everywhere. Nothing but visual pollution as far as i'm concerned.

Can't really steal a sign that's not there.

Bravo to that. I've always believed that the majority of illegally placed signs, as described by jimgray, constitutes street spam -- ripe for citizen's arrest and removal. Private property is another matter; in the absence of codes governing such placement, the ugliness must be tolerated. So it goes.

But we're missing the real issue: Why is visual pollution so enduring a component of political campaigns hereabouts? Has a yard sign every voted? Is there any reason to believe that hundreds of signs stacked atop each other at major intersections do anything except obstruct the view and cuase accidents?

The whole thing is idiotic. Consider the effusive irony of my receiving a postcard last week from Sampan, the Utica printing firm owned by folks who wouldn't consider voting for an unreconstructed leftist like me in one or more thousand years. In its first-ever known mailing to my address, Sampan asks me to consider buying Jumbo Yard Signs. I'm guessing this is because I'm now in a political race, and having filed, the very first thing I must do is blanket the landscape with trash.

Perhaps I must. Must I? Candidate Denhart claims to have already spent $1,200 on yard signs. I'd be tempted to ask how a low-paying city council seat could possibly be worth that much money, except that it's a question she herself generally places in the mouth of her alter ego, Erika, and uses to pillory her opponents.

The ironies are proliferating, too. Unfortunately, they may be the only things that grow here on the flood plain.

A columnist plumb snookered.

It's Wizard of Oz Day in the Open Air Museum. To all our friends on the outside ... please, don't judge the whole city by our troglodytes.

Newsmaker Vicki Denhart A woman working for the people, by Dale Moss in the Courier-Journal.

“I tell my friends, ‘I've got tire tracks on my back,' ” she said. “I guess it's like a badge of honor. But hey, I'm still standing.”

Marginalized, congenital obstructionists and an embittered wannabeen have their C-J day.

Group distributes signs opposing New Albany tax hikes, by Grace Schneider.

A group of New Albany residents has formed a committee to challenge what its leaders contend is a freewheeling tax-and-spend mentality in the city government ... Larry Kochert, a former council member, praised Denhart and the Martins, saying he also has become increasingly concerned about how little “backbone” is being shown by city leaders to rein in spending.

Denhart and others “are doing a good job,” Kochert said. “I wish I'd thought of it myself.”

Typically, Kochert didn't think of it, and that's the primary reason for a council career bereft of achievement.

The world turned upside down, but life goes on within the confines of the Open Air Museum.

Just in time for Christmas, Erika’s come tumbling out of the closet, and has at long last become non-pseudonymous.

DENHART: Vote ‘No’ on LOIT tax, by Vicki Denhart, Local Guest Columnist (Tribune).

I am writing in response to Detective Paul M. Haub’s article on Nov. 21. First of all, no one in our city is against the police and fire department. Some city and county employees need to stop making this a personal issue.

Stop making it personal? Okay, but back at Freedom to Screech, it’s troglodyte business as usual as the postal man gets personal with the city council.

TAXPAYER FIGHTING BACK....

This year the City Council gives itself a huge raise.

I'm trying to recall if I've ever included the cost of my health insurance as part of wages and salary when compiling the annual tax form. Anyway, Erika spells her contributing postal man’s name wrong: It’s Roudenbush, not Rodenbush.

Heck, what's a little "u" between accomplices?

Speaking of "u", as in u-turn, none of the raging LOITophobia matters, because the county council’s president and resident contortionist has reversed field so many times that the chiropractor’s organization has emitted a collective orgasm.

LOIT looks like dead issue, by Chris Morris (Tribune).

“I’m telling people I’m voting no,” said council President Larry McAllister, who voted for the tax last month.

Whoa ... let's stop and count the votes before anything drastic occurs.

Meanwhile, some people believe that the only constant is change. Those people don't live in the Open Air Museum, do they?

County council turns hose on Erika, gallery erupts in laughter.

The senior editor refrained from last evening's county council meeting, instead opting for the Windsor's bar and lounge opening, where at least one co-conspirator was spotted whispering sweet nothings to a tumbler of bourbon. I concurred, but with beer.

There was much good news yesterday, gleaned from conversation with people who are bucking native pessimism and an unpredictable economy to invest, work hard, and make New Albany into the kind of place that can succeed, not fail -- where people can find reasons to move forward, not skulk backwards, whining and pouting like a whipped puppy.

We await leadership of the same progressive caliber from the city council ... and perhaps have spotted some of it emanating from the county council.

Floyd income tax clears first hurdle; New Albany, county would share revenue, by Dick Kaukas (Courier-Journal).

The Floyd County Council voted 4-3 along party lines last night to give initial approval to a new income tax totaling 1.25 percent ...

... Lee Cotner, the council's attorney, said afterward that the ordinance will require at least one more "yes" vote by the council at its meeting next month to take effect as scheduled Jan. 1. If the ordinance wins final approval, Floyd County residents will be paying an income tax of 1 percent -- which would go back to homeowners in the form of property-tax relief -- plus 0.25 percent for public safety, police and firefighters.

Deterred from self-immolation by a persistent light rain outside, pseudonymous blogger Vicki “Freedom to Screech” Denhart took her protest against taxes, public safety and contemporary civilization indoors, addressing the county council in an impeccably tailored “Erik the transgendered academic” costume.

He/she was joined by Joe Tanksley, and together they were identified by the CJ’s Kaukas as stalwarts of the Concerned Citizens for Anonymity … oops, make that “Accountability.”

It’s so easy to get the two confused.

Of course, there’s always a Price to pay when the topic turns to ways we might avoid further slippage into the 19th-century, and consequently, New Albany’s foremost spokesman on behalf of under-achieving torpor was in attendance, too.

"I am not supporting this," said the 3rd district councilman, who added that the new revenue might become a “slush fund,” whereas Grandma’s cookie jar is a better place than mattresses to hide those nickels and dimes in preparation for the rainy day blues.

How long 'til 2011?

Come out of your cave, Ms. Bolovschak, and disavow the treacherous troglodyte.

Warning: If you’re no fan of the so-called “blog wars,” then please consider clicking through to the Hundred Acre Wood.

---

Hmm, wonder which of the masked character assassins at Freedom to Screech (Yellow) wrote this one?

WHY SCHARLOW FOR CITY COUNCIL?

For the past four to five years, the Scharlows have been working on a 16 unit condominium project. Located right behind Mansion Row and blocking the views of historic homes.

Historic homes like the Admiral Bicknell Inn?

More cowardly unsigned claptrap, to be sure, and so resolving to operate under the assumption that it’s always better to take one’s complaints straight to the top rather than waste time with the disposable hired help, today provides the perfect opportunity to reprint this NAC posting from December, 2006. While a few of the specifics are dated, the gist remains as valid now as then.

Periodically there are hints of a thaw, although little ever comes from it. When last I spoke with Auntie V, she seemed to imply that she’d be abandoning her trash talking blog alliance with the trognonymous Denhart and finally – finally -- openly supporting the sort of ideas, projects and civic advancement that Erika routinely slimes for reasons that make no sense to anyone.

Unfortunately, there’s been no evidence of such a conversion; perhaps we must wait until after the election, or gasoline falls back to a dollar a gallon, to see the umbilical cord mercifully severed. Perhaps it will never happen and not only is that a very sad state of affairs. It's also injurious to the prospects for a civil society here in New Albany.

I renew the appeal: Come out of your cave, Ms. Bolovschak, and disavow the treacherous troglodyte.

Here's the reprint.

---

The same ambition can destroy or save,
And makes a patriot as it makes a knave.

--Alexander Pope

Imagine you’re Auntie V.

Imagine also that you’re an inveterate behind-the-scenes schemer who, among other bizarre double-naught spying activities, regularly abets an anonymous Internet flame queen while denying even the slightest interest in the existence of the information superhighway.

Ah, but like Mark Twain ... I repeat myself.

Instead, imagine that you’re an aspiring GOP politico who campaigns for a providentially vacant position on the city council by enabling your guileless, tail-wagging flunky to stump on your behalf by means of artlessly lampooning the very party stalwarts who’ll vote to determine who occupies the seat.

Of course, you don’t spread the insults yourself, as even the most sophisticated of dry cleaning techniques won’t take the smell of manure out of a pair of white silk gloves, but you farm it out to your eager Sancho Panza of an incessantly enraged minion, Prof. Erika, who provides useful cover and lacks the insight to object to being used in such a humiliating fashion for so long as someone – anyone – continues to pay attention to her antics.

Especially her patrician idol.

Not unexpectedly, you lose the race to fill the seat, and you emerge from the predictable defeat -- the most recent public relations debacle -- looking exactly like Wile E. Coyote after the stick of dynamite inserted in his ear by the speedily departing Roadrunner ignites, and an earsplitting boom fills the air with confetti, soot and the laughter of both children and adults, all of whom are saying to themselves, boy, that coyote just doesn’t seem to get it … ever … just keeps on repeating the same mistakes, again and again, thinking it’ll turn out differently next time.

So clinical … and with another Putsch attempt derailed, what can you possibly do to regain some measure of equilibrium – to restore the proper balance of nature between yourself and the slider-slurping "noodleheads" and unresponsive sow’s ears who can’t seem to understand the majesty of what you're proposing to do for them?

Why, start by attacking the New Albany city clerk, of course, and follow by offering two flagrantly willful misinterpretations of recent council activity, and maybe, just as a change of pace, blame it all on the building commissioner, or the Mayor, or anyone else who wanders into the line of fire.

That’s it. Stress relief for the social saboteur.

Do we feel better, yet?

Auntie V’s latest salvos in the ongoing political flame war-by-proxy were launched with clocklike regularity in a Freedom of Speech blog posting Saturday, with another following on Sunday, and yet another some time after that (among other things, Erika can’t fathom the workings of the time/date stamp at her blog), and as always, onlookers lucky enough to emerge from the sliming session without collateral spitwads lodged in their own eyeballs are left to lament the recurring disingenuousness – the sheer volume of disinformation disguised as “outraged taxpayer” verbiage – that hangs thick like a pea soup fog within the confines of the Admiral Bicknell war room.

Consider Auntie V’s sentiments, as translated by the ever willing psychophant Erika, here: HERE WE GO AGAIN!...IS THIS ANOTHER POLITICAL FAVOR FOR JIMMY'S RE-ELECTION?

Be aware that at the Dec. 4 council meeting, the ordinance in question, which in essence is a routine bonding mechanism to allow the use of money already collected for tourism-related projects, passed its first reading by a 6-2 vote, with 1st district ward heeler Dan Coffey stridently objecting before meekly abstaining, and 3rd and 4th district councilmen Steve Price and Larry Kochert, respectively, voting against.

Go here to examine the state law referenced therein: Floyd/Clark County Innkeeper's Tax. Know that nothing in this ordinance merits the attention being given it at Freedom to Screech, beyond the need of the chronically dysfunctional to maintain disaffection amongst imagined future cadres of mad-as-hell squirrel brain eaters.

And know that the ongoing personal attacks against city clerk Marcey Wisman are both unwarranted and tactless, not unlike the majority of the vitriolic drivel oozing from Ms. Denhart’s (a.k.a. Erika’s) poison crayon – but never without the approval of the aspiring Ms. Bolovschak.

It’s sad that we must continue refuting churlish childishness rather than devoting column inches to the many examples of positive news in New Albany, but when the shameless slander vandals push, even feebly, genuinely decent people must push back, and that’s what I’m doing, because make no mistake: When it comes to the venom of FOS, there is an ultimate source, and it isn’t the masquerading collegiate site manager.

It isn’t Erika, it’s Ms. Bolovschak, and as the months slip past, it becomes so insanely surreal that one is forgiven for believing that it’s Groundhog Day all over again, and again, and again.

I’m no longer concerned with the possibility of rifts, feuds and other manifestations of the New Albany Syndrome, so let’s say it publicly.

Ms. Bolovschak, you’ve got much -- perhaps even all -- of what it takes to succeed. You possess a work ethic, abundant smarts, good looks, sufficient money, proven business acumen. These combine to create an enviable potential foundation from which to seek any political office you so desire.

Then why?

Why must you stoop in this continually abhorrent manner to conquer?

Why the ceaseless games, the empowerment of anonymity, the cloak-and-dagger nastiness?

With so much to offer, why hurt so many undeserving people by enabling Erika’s malevolence, and by using people for whom you feel nothing as a Auntiebellum corduroy road to drive atop in pursuit of your own ends?

Do you feel that you’re forced to do it? As a woman, as someone who “isn’t from here”? That unless you do the funky Machiavelli, they’ll not take you seriously?

Is there a conscience in there somewhere?

What happens to these pillars of support once you’ve achieved your goals, and they're no longer needed?

It isn’t as if you don’t know this already, but the buffoonish mock Professor Erika, the knee-jerk flatlining 3rd district uncouncilman, the clamorously vacant denizens of the Luddite Bar & Grill – all come to us largely unable to comprehend diversity, generally absent any unified vision for the future, and sadly unable to see a place for themselves and their own milieu in a world that must, by necessity, change and renew. That’s life, and if we’re to accept a planet teeming with human diversity, a certain percentage of the unreconstructed throwing themselves in the path of progress certainly constitute standard equipment during the course of any substantive journey.

You know as well as I do that often these folks often become frightened, panic, and seek reassurance and succor from others whom they perceive as better situated to “lead” them, but here’s the important difference between those duly chosen to "lead."

Some are born to transcend the limited options afforded them, and do so by their own talents and on their own merits without taking advantage of others, and seek to educate, empower and improve the options of the less fortunate.

But others choose to pursue power more cynically, by riding on the backs of those less able to discern reality while they’re perpetually face down in the mud … and populism of this calculating variety always brutally mocks the very people it purports to rescue.

Every time a FOS posting goes merrily into orbit, those among us capable of a fundamental clarity as to which leader is which have an obligation to expose the transparency of the fawning charade – of the sheer, hide-in-plain-sight chutzpah emanating from whichever of Sybil’s personalities awoke this morning and ventured into the cold light of day in pursuit of whatever it is, and is so important to obtain, right now, that it has been deemed necessary to publicly disassemble, to enable semi-literate Internet attack dogs, to construct one after another elaborately staged theatrical presentations, and to earnestly promise the “little people” – these same sincere citizens oblivious to the otherwise palpable “noodlehead” contempt showered on them behind closed doors -- that there’s someone who’ll look after them and be their savior.

But this town doesn't need a savior, at least not under such unfavorable terms. It needs multiple saviors, preferably one on each city block, and a few in city hall, and a few more business owners, all of whom willing to work together as equals to improve the quality of life and the prospects for all people choosing to live here.

You’ve undoubtedly done good things toward this end, and you are to be commended for the persistence and hard work.

Seemingly, you have it all.

Why isn’t all enough?

VICKI ANN DENSCHAK’S AGENDA IS ~ AUTO-EROTIC FALLACIOUSNESS?

And what makes it even funnier is that the conjoined and trognonymous character assassins evacuated Thursday’s council meeting long before the final tumultuous act, having apparently taken umbrage at the delayed stormwater board appointment vote.

The Gang of Four's semi-official propaganda agency is spewing bile faster than we can respond, so we'll begin with yesterday’s FOS posting: WANNABE'S AGENDA IS ~ $$$$$$$

Says the faux educator therein: “Again, the "wannabe's agenda" is purely about a $$$$$$ settlement!”

It’s a lie, but so it goes here in the open air museum.

Am I the only one who finds it humorous that women pretending to be a man – pretending to be a college professor, no less – find it expedient to accuse someone else of being a “wannabe?”

Plenty of venom, but very little appreciation for irony … and, alas, you’ll observe that they didn’t bother trying to refute a solitary aspect of the case against the council, against the council’s unwillingness to enforce the rule of law, and against the revulsion generated by Bill Schmidt’s “assassinate Caesar” plan.

Seeing as Larry Kochert already has conceded the merits of the plaintiffs’ argument, refutation isn’t really possible, is it?

At the very least, the coward of the county has (for once) performed a genuine public service by reprinting Jeff Gillenwater’s statement to the city council on redistricting, which I read aloud during the non-agenda public speaking portion of Thursday’s council meeting.

Gee thanks, guys. I put that time to good use drinking Progressive Pints. Next time, let me know what you’d like to reprint, and I can provide an electronic file. No sense in requiring your elderly informant to do all that typing … but come to think of it, all of that would require you to dispense with the perpetual disguise, and you don’t have sufficient courage for that sort of disclosure, do you?

Sunday Blue Light Backfill Special: Three good Tribune reads.

You can be sure that the New Albany Tribune is on the right track when the city’s most shameless of trognonymous bloggers begins attacking it for presumed bias – on behalf of folks (s)he detests, and against the saintly Auntie V:

The New Albany Tribune deserves an award for being a One sided local news paper that will only print what the current adminstration wants printed … And you Sir, Mr. Campbell have done a greater disservice to Valla Ann Bolovschak a successful business owner, a citizens advocate and taxpayer of New Albany.

Someone call the spelling, grammar and syntax police; Erika appears to be having another “Cupid’s arrow” moment. Can Fantasy Island be far behind?

Meanwhile, for the non-apoplectically minded, there here are three highly worthwhile reads in today’s Sunday edition:

Famous big band booked for New Albany Speakeasy; Glenn Miller Orchestra playing State Street jazz club’s opening, by Eric Scott Campbell.

Brad Tharp wanted a big-name jazz ensemble to open his New Albany club, so he got on the horn … Tharp called the Glenn Miller Orchestra, which has toured virtually nonstop for 50 years, after he got approval to launch Speakeasy in a vacant State Street building downtown.

COPAS: Kathy’s rules of order, by guest columnist Kathy Copas.

A couple of months ago, I attended my first New Albany City Council meeting. A blogger neighbor of mine suggested I go. He made a great point one night, during a front porch rocking chair conversation, that it’s important to go at least once if you’re someone who lives in and truly supports New Albany moving forward.

ALTON: City Council? Not this time, by guest columnist John Alton.

I was originally considering a run for the 4th District City Council in New Albany as a Democrat, and had intended to file. I withdrew in favor of Pat McLaughlin when I learned that he had filed, and I saw where he had barely lost in the last election to Kochert. I did intend to run as an Independent, but with the death of my mother in February, it took a lot out of me, and it took the steam out of the effort.