Entrepreneurs: Forget those forgivable loans. In New Albany, cicada cycles determine infrastructure upgrades.

Here's what the Jeffersonville officials say: Another forgivable loan, another new indie food & drink business in downtown Jeffersonville.

Here is what the Louisville officials say: Metro loans $700k to local businesses: Feast BBQ, Peerless Distilling, Germantown Mill, and a new crepe shop

Here is what New Albany officials say (not necessarily in chronological order).

1. Don't you know anyone at Develop New Albany? It's our economic development arm.

2. No, wait. Don't you know Mike Kopp? HE'S our economic development arm.

3. Hold it ... you know the Horseshoe Foundation, right? That's it ... they're our economic development arm. They have all the money. See if you can get some of it. We're not having any luck.

4. On second thought, we DO have an economic development plan to help independent small businesses, but first, if you're a potential industrial park occupant, please step over to the VIP Rewards-Class Enfluffment Line.

5. Okay, here it is: New Albany's economic development plan for independent small business.

First, you invest your own money in the business. Then, to show you we care, we'll consider repairing a sidewalk we haven't touched since the Eisenhower years, but only if John Rosenbarger hasn't already used the money for a politically motivated neighborhood deforestation project, or bike lanes to nowhere, or bump outs at the wheelchair crossing.

What's more, while we're aware that complete streets would constitute city-wide, non-partisan assistance of a sort (you bet we're going to read Speck's book by the time his study comes back), we're going to take our sweet time thinking about it, because in political terms, we're frozen in the headlights of cars driven by Democratic grandees, and so we'll do nothing about the street grid until we absolutely, positively must -- and then it probably will be too late, but you'll be used to the cut-through, bridge-evasion traffic by then.

Meanwhile, we'll spend millions on the industrial park (them's REAL jobs, son ... are you sure you're in the right line?) and an aquatic center, all of it linked together by streets dangerous to drivers, pedestrians and cyclists alike. Just wait until you hear the new city hall idea.

You're going to love it. After all, NA is where you should be. Says so right there on the ad.

As for YOUR Finnish reindeer taco bar idea, wouldn't you much rather come here to New Albany, than accept those bogus monetary handouts from Jeffersonville and Louisville? The way we see it, using all of your own resources while we look on approvingly and provide moral support makes you a better entrepreneur.

Thanks for coming to New Albany. We're very happy to help.

(Psst, did you squeeze anything out of Jerry Finn yet?)