A City Council meeting to be forgotten, but a strong performance by Mayor Garner -- even though the fix was in.

I knew it was going to be that kind of a city council meeting when Councilman Larry Kochert’s prized guard poodle shifted his considerable bulk in my direction and sidled up to me just before the opening bell, flashed his yellowed and superannuated molars, and promptly urinated on my left sneaker.

(Actually, for the preceding to be “in character,” it would have to be written this way: URINATED ON MY LEFT SNEAKER.)

Or, as in elementary school: See Dick whiz. See Dick embarrass himself.

Dick isn’t toilet trained.

In this as in most other significant aspects, it was an artfully choreographed
evening – sadly, to the detriment of most civilized standards of behavior, but then again, Civility 101 apparently wasn’t taught at Bazooka Joe University, where the entire right side of the council table matriculated.

We’ll have these moments to remember, though.

Such as when the forever coy future mayoral candidate with every reason to embarrass the incumbent brought a copy of a 2004 audit that – gee -- hasn’t been officially released, which in all likelihood was passed to her by the same city council member who has been feeding sacks of numbers sans meaningful context to the transgendered ghost blogger Erik/Erika, and this high profile player promptly lectured the council about the improperly leaked document’s contents – and the Siamese Councilmen went into immediate spasms of near orgasmic intensity in praising her for doing so, without once asking the only pertinent questions:

How did she get it, and from whom?

And how is any of this praiseworthy?

T o add insult to injury, she was then officially congratulated … by the presumed Deep Throat leak monger and ex-council president himself, as more fangs were bared around the cramped room than we’ve seen since our last visit to the serpent’s chamber at the Louisville Zoo.

Nicely done, Brambleberries. Simply marvelous theater, deeply (bowel) moving, and free of charge!

Small problem, though, in that Mayor James Garner rose to the challenge proffered him by the assembled political lynch mob.

Last night was a transparently rigged set-up routine straight out of a shoddy B-movie script, with every major troglodyte in town attending (except the mysterious Main Street gay baiter), and with the Gang of Four’s talking points having shifted back to blaming Scribner Place for every malady known to man – among them world hunger, global warming and the proliferation of spandex-clad senior citizens who really do exercise.

Then the results of the 2004 audit were brought up for discussion and even the Mayor himself had yet to see them … so how would he react?

Emphatically, Mayor Garner did not stumble.

He stood tall before the stacked hostile crowd, faced the predictable Coffeyesque grandstanding, batted back CM Steve Price’s endlessly repetitious “we can’t” choruses, and attempted as best he could to extemporaneously answer questions about sewers and audits – something he’s not supposed to be good at doing.

But he was pretty good at it last night.

He had some backup on the sewer issues from CM Mark Seabrook, a Republican, who insisted on clarity as fellow sewer board member Kochert sat on his hands and passed an occasional table scrap to Dick the Wonder Poodle.

Make no mistake: The city’s pathological obstructionists were in it for the kill, but the Mayor stood his ground admirably, avoided the obvious bushwhacking, sidestepped the crafted set piece, and now will live to fight another day.

Sigh.

There are many reasons why last night’s city council meeting was a depressing and senseless spectacle, but chief among them is that surveying the ranks of those in attendance, one sees veneration for sheer mediocrity and a lack of respect for the inquiring mind, both symptoms of the malignancy at the heart of the New Albany Syndrome.

Messy, stupid, petty and nonsensical.

Tell us, VAB – and Bill & Anna, Dan C., Steve P., Larry K., David H., Erik/Erika, Trog Sham(an) – how did any of what you orchestrated last night contribute toward making this city a better place?

What part of it returned a home to single family ownership, closed down a meth lab, created a job, attracted a business or stopped the remainder of the metropolitan Louisville area from laughing at us for just a moment?

Enlighten us. Send the explanation here, and I’ll post it. Help us out; we’re losing the plot line behind the costuming and orchestration … and it’s there somewhere, right?

Tell us you have a reason for it.

We really, really want to know.

Note: The Riverfront Development ordinance was tabled. More on that later.