“King of Comedy,” starring Kevin Zurschmiede, now playing (very limited engagement) in NA.

Welcome to the Hot Potato Spa Lounge in the gorgeous Merchants National Happy Ending Building on the “massage corner” of Pearl and Main in beautiful downtown New Albany.

APPLAUSE

Our very special guest tonight has been drinking iced tea, eating PBJs and wowing the GOP precinct committee conclaves, and now he’s here for this exclusive one night engagement.

CHANTING: KZ KZ KZ KZ KZ KZ KZ KZ KZ

He’s waited long enough, don’t you think? Now, give it up for New Albany’s next mayor, Kevin Zurschmiede!

APPLAUSE, HOOTS, HOLLERS

Hello, New Albany! I’m awfully happy to be here, and let me tell you, after these past few weeks, I can only hope all the red hot NA chicks will still vote for me in November

HAR HAR HAR HAR 

Of course, I may have to run for mayor somewhere in Thailand.

HA HA HA HA

But seriously, how could anyone expect a 54-year-old white guy from li’l ol’ Nawbony to know anything about sex slavery? Heck, I thought human trafficking is what happens when trucks run over those walkability nut jobs like that Baylor guy.

AUDIENCE MEMBER LAUGHS SO HARD HE SNORTS BUD LIGHT THROUGH HIS NOSE

And you wanna know what else gripes my cookies?

NO WHAT? TELL US PLEASE C’MON YOUR HONOR

Some has-been Democrat getting’ all prissy about porn flicks (rolls his eyes).

HA HA HA HA HA HA

I mean, like SHE’S never gone out with a six pack of Red, White and Blue and looked through the slats at Theatair-X. Man, I miss the drive-in.

HAR HAR HAR HAR

Porn, schmorn. It was just a remote control malfunction, geez louise. Me, I’ve never learned how to use those newfangled remotes. Once I was waiting to have my teeth cleaned, and I pushed the wrong button – BOOM, right there in the dentist’s office, naked folks going at it like they were Asians in a SPA or something.

HA HA HA YOU’RE KILLING ME HA HA HA

Of course, nothing REALLY happened. It was that soft core North Korean stuff.

OOOHHH AAHHHH ... DOING THE REPUBLICAN WAVE

I tell ya, this place is full of Democrats, and I don’t get no respect.

CHEERS, WHISTLES, LAUGHTER

I picked up the newspaper, and it said the police department was investigating my tenants. And they weren’t even talking about one of my rundown rental properties!

HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR

Seriously, what’s the police have against these nice young Asian gals? A JOB’S a JOB, right?

HELL YEAH TELL E’M KEV YOU DA MAN

Enough of all that. Keith says I don’t have to cop a plea, and besides, once all the bleeding hearts started yammering, I cleaned house, so tell me, what does the sign on the door of the Hot Potato Spa say nowadays?

WHAT DOES IT SAY?

Beat it. We're closed.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Thank you, thank you. Now I’ll probably have to rent the space to some penny ante tax preparer. You’ve been a great crowd. Don’t forget to donate to my campaign on the way out.

APPLAUSE. CHANTS. SOMEONE RECITES THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE.

NAPD seeks more information about Hot Stone Spa 

Posted: February 13, 2015

• NEW ALBANY — The business closed recently, but New Albany Police Chief Todd Bailey is asking the public for more information about Hot Stone Spa.