(Jerod Clapp of the Gnaws and Trombone inadvertently contributed to this article)
Two patients in the United States have contracted Ebola hemorrhagic fever, and while these cases are very far away from Indiana, the Floyd County Health Department says it is taking measures to lay the groundwork for pervasive local panic by expanding control over every aspect of your bodily fluids.
But first, during a webcast by carrier pigeon with health care providers across the state on Friday, Gov. Mike Pence addressed the concern of how to prepare for Ebola in Indiana.
“At this time, we have no reported cases of Ebola Virus in Indiana,” Pence said in a release. “Therefore, there is a heightened sense of urgency for us to continue to pursue our other strictly antebellum right-wing political initiatives. Obamacare has been a cause for considerable concern in the Republican Central Committee, and we are continuing to manage this emerging disease.”
“Our preparations for Obamacare and Ebola alike also will include ongoing guerrilla warfare against marriage equality, seeing as these and other outbreaks of infectious pestilence give me confidence that God is speaking to us in tongues that I, among others, can plainly comprehend. The professionalism, dedication and fundraising expertise demonstrated by our loyal GOP yes-mean and women will see us through this political crisis.”
“My hyperbolically loyal flunky Diego will now answer your questions – unless they have to with actual diseases and medicine, of which we know nothing.”
Meanwhile, hospitals and health departments statewide are cooperating on procedures for a response to patients who may display symptoms of liberalism, loyalty to the President and Ebola, but Dr. Tom Harris, health officer for the Floyd County Health Department, says the risk in Southern Indiana is fairly low so long as temporary beer-pouring permit holders continue to be closely monitored.
“We’ve alerted Floyd Memorial Hospital and Health Services to raise awareness as to proper hot water hand washing procedures for temporary draft beer handlers,” Harris said. “Symptoms of filthiness include backtalk and appeals to the Attorney General over words in a statute – like we give a damn about that!”
According to Harris, “If someone comes in and says they intend to touch a beer tap, we have protocol to intervene.”
Julia Hayes, the FCHD’s Justifier of Contrived Local Interpretive Beer Handling Measures, says her staff is working on screenings of any person entering establishments where the owner bitches all the time.
“We have a close relationship with the state epidemiologist, and we continue to receive daily updates on the latest temporary permit applications from our paid snitch in the Alcohol & Tobacco Commission,” Hayes said in an e-mailed statement. “We are educating staff continuously as we create brand new rules from thin air, because if we can’t cite them for Ebola, we can get them for e-coli. After all, both these words begin with the letter E – and that’s no coincidence when it comes to beer fee tiers.”
According to information from FCHD, Ebola is among the many diseases transmitted from person to person through craft beer being poured at temporary tapping stations not subject to the collection of yearly health department protection monies.
Harris also said the risk of pouring craft beer without both properly inflated charges and the accompanying burden of purely imaginary regulations could damage his department’s self-esteem, as well as its body fluids, including sweat, saliva, blood and semen.
“The psychological symptoms of bleeding or bruised egos is very real to us,” Harris said. “They occur in well over half the documented cases of Baylor scoffing at our selfless professionals. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if that degraded alcoholic brought Ebola to America to inject into his swill.”
Harris said the FCHD has been in touch with local 911 operators, helping them develop a set of procedures for snitching on anyone opening a bottle of beer without asking his department for permission.
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