Brutal unsolved kidnapping rocks Spring Street.

A “Them People” yard sign, aged 30 days, was kidnapped by apparent Luddite terrorists earlier this week.

Witnesses report that a gang of very little people emerged from a Conestoga wagon (license plate “Birdseye or Bust”) double-parked outside Destinations Booksellers, descended on the yard sign, and used their Bazooka Joe Action Penknives to saw off the sign’s legs. The sign was bound, gagged and harnessed to a waiting pet rental property rat, which loaded the sign onto the getaway wagon.

One little person was overheard saying. “Yee haw … that’ll teach them people a thing or two.”

Destinations has received a ransom note that reads:

We have yor sahgn an u wohnt git it bahck less u tacke yer books an pergessives back to roosia or frankurt avnooh.

Police fear that if the yard sign is not rescued soon, it will be tortured and irreparably harmed by being forced to listen to the Collected Speeches and Barbecued Bologna Recipes of Chairman Dan Coffey, as recorded on the first Monday and third Thursday of each month since the year 2000 on his state of the art Realistic cassette player from that yard sale back in one or the other Bob Real administrations.

But in an interview, Coffey denied responsibility for the heinous intrusion. However, he added: “I don’t have a problem with people on fixed incomes taking the law into their own hands."

"After all, them people had it coming to them.”