Showing posts with label impenetrable satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label impenetrable satire. Show all posts

Wednesday, December 02, 2020

ON THE AVENUES: PourGate (the Great Beer Pour War of 2013): "Kneel and Kiss My Ring, You Degraded Alcoholic."


Last evening (1 December 2020) two of three Floyd County Commissioners declined to certify another four-year term for Dr. Thomas Harris as county health officer. 

John Boyle has the story at 89.3 WFPL, noting "none of the three commissioners, all Republicans, discussed the matter before the vote, and all have been vague about their reasoning to move away from Harris, the county’s top health official."

Speaking for myself, I've no complaints about Dr. Harris's handling of pandemic-related. He may have done too little, but that's a result of the right wing's hold on state government; doing anything at all in a proactive sense during a public health emergency automatically placed Harris far above every other county and city official of either major political party in this miserably reactionary vicinity.


Yet again, a complete lack of transparency and openness on the part of local elected officials means we must read tea leaves as to the whys and wherefores, but there is one scenario that might rationally explain the tight lips of the commissioners, and this is the expectation of a lawsuit (or multiple lawsuits) against the county pertaining to the workplace environment at the health department. 

This has been a persistent rumor for a long time, and allow me to stress that while there is no proof, such an eventuality would justify the prevailing reticence. As a caveat, let it be understood that none of this is to be construed as criticism of the front line health department workers. The shop floor is working hard. As oft times before, we speak here of upper management's inadequacies, and the buck stops with Dr. Harris.

Recalling the dominance of the Republican Party in Floyd County government, as opposed to Democratic Party control of the city of New Albany, the Green Mouse asked around and was told in essence that behind-the-scenes factions have been applying pressure for Dr. Harris' removal. 

At the risk of oversimplification, these factions comprise a center-moderate wing (yes, it does exist) with at least one candidate in mind, and the lunatic fringe of pandemic-denying Trumpist idolatry (you KNOW they exist). The position of the commissioners seems to be that whomever is inserted into the job by the health department's board will pay sufficient heed to COVID automatically, as if by magic, leaving them to juggle factions and tend to their own warring power elites.    
So it goes, and here we are. I've expressed support for Dr. Harris, and see no reason to backtrack, but now it's moot. More than one reader expressed shock and amazement with regard to my advocacy of Dr. Harris amid this politics-first kerfuffle, no doubt recalling PourGate, the Great Beer Pour War of 2013, when he tried to grab authority that wasn't his for the taking, and was rebuffed at every level of state government, rightfully so. 

Let's revisit.

On June 14, 2013, the New Albanian Brewing Company was peaceably vending beer at Bicentennial Park, by means of a supplemental catering permit issued by the company's governing agency, the Indiana Alcohol and Tobacco Commission.

The Floyd County Health Department arrived and said that NABC also needed a temporary food serving permit.

I said no, that's entirely incorrect. They persisted and a two-year-long struggle commenced. For a complete compendium of NAC links telling the excruciating story of PourGate, go here:

May 20, 2015: PourGate 2013: It took two years, but this new law silences Dr. Tom Harris and the Floyd County Health Department.

It's all plague under the pustules now, but don't be surprised if this inscription appears on my tombstone: "He Helped Vanquish the Health Fascists in the Great Beer Pour War, Then Died Anyway, Just Like Everyone Else."

To connect PourGate with the current situation, especially the recurring gossip about Dr. Harris' management style, here's a reprint of what remains the single most read "guest column" in the blog's history (August 1, 2013). Say what you will about my reputation for stridency, but the fact is that I can have a conversation with just about anyone on any side of this or the other divide. 

Except Dr. Harris. Insert "shrugging" emoji here.

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ON THE AVENUES:  "Kneel and Kiss My Ring, You Degraded Alcoholic."

A weekly column by Roger A. Baylor. Today's guest columnist is Dr. Thomas Harris.

In the interest of fairness, I've invited Dr. Tom Harris, much decorated generalissimo of the Floyd County Health Department, to write this guest column offering his side of the recent unpleasantness. Looking at the whole situation dispassionately, Dr. Harris and I have quite a lot in common. Both of us were born, grew up, went to school, and received college degrees. I'm a professional in my field, as he is in his. In fact, it is to be imagined that we undulate, conjugate, ejaculate and defecate in similar ways, if not exactly the same -- unless, of course, he’s a space alien, and he is, and so the following is satire, pure and simple.

If you assume I’ll begin this essay by thanking a lowly brewer for affording a rebuttal to his serial insolence, think again.

One should never assume -- you'll make an ass out of yourself, certainly not me, because after all, I'm a doctor. The grandeur of my medical world view inevitably comes with the position, i.e., the rarefied territory of my critical role as guarantor of public health and safety.

The rest of you should just get the hell out of my way.

Let's get right down to brass tacks. Baylor, how dare you suggest that beer and brewing constitutes a “profession” in the same sense as a board-certified emergency medical pioneer like me. Every single day, our trained medical elites soothe suffering and save lives.

And you? You slouch at the tavern, sink into your cups, ruin your liver and foster bitterness toward those laudable over-achievers who possess my skill set and sheer dedication to public health and safety – whether the public understands any of it or not.

Because they seldom do, and mine is a tireless task, indeed.

It probably has escaped your notice, since not one of you care very much about public health and safety, not to mention your own disgusting standards of personal hygiene, but vast numbers of our fellow Americans are clueless sheep wallowing in a medieval squalor of bacteria. If not for the efforts of selfless heroes like me, you'd doubtless be bathing daily in your own raw sewage.

You really must see yourselves some time. Your filthy, germ-ridden body parts hang flabby and exposed from inadequate, scant clothing. You continue to smoke cigarettes even after we kicked you outside. You have sex before you’re married, refuse to use condoms, decline to exercise, and “dine” regularly on Big Gulps and Fritos. Any of you ever met a whole fried chicken, deep-fried Twinkie or fat-laden burger you wouldn’t stuff by the dozen into your gaping pie holes? I didn’t think so.

We try our best to ban all these substances that hurt you, but do you thank us? No, you just keep babbling about your right to determine your own destiny and live your own lives, as though we can tolerate free will when pathogens are everywhere. What have we become in America, a nation of philosophers?

And when it comes to the crux of the recent episodes, and why on earth we’d need anyone’s permission at all to regulate temporary beer pouring or any other activity deemed appropriate for saving you from yourselves, has it ever occurred to any of you that all of these dreadful materials you insist on ingesting are manufactured by food producers with an even lower opinion of you than me?

Furthermore, they have absolutely no respect for us as regulators and preservers of public health and safety. Every single one of those restaurants, lunch counters, taquerias, hot dog stands, food trucks, bistros and sushi joints bring in money hand over fist.

Do you think for one moment that local government funds the health department the way ordinary people throw money at some guy wrapping bacon around a cream puff? Not that local government has any money, because a lower tax burden is better for all of us, and the more golf you play, the more you know that if not for the GOP, we’d have even less funding for inspections. But we’re all white folks here, and I needn’t remind you of your obligations.

That’s what galls me about my own health department board being all namby pamby and saying Baylor doesn’t have to pay fees for his temporary permits.

When I said during the hearing that money doesn’t matter, what I meant was that I know far better how money matters and doesn’t matter than any of you cretins. As without doubt the leading element in society, we doctors are in the best position to make such judgments, and that’s why this whole shakedown started, anyway, because if New Albany’s mayor says it’s okay for ambulances to go to any hospital, and not be forced to use Floyd Memorial, then how’re we going to maintain the monopoly … er, I mean the monopoly on public health and safety, of course.

Why can’t you pathetic maladroit plebes grasp what I’m telling you? After me, it’s the deluge. You prattle on and on about answers, and how you’re entitled to the truth about the health department’s comprehensive program to control what goes down your gullets, so let me tell you something.

You can't handle the truth!

Baylor, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with syringes. Who's gonna do it? You? Lee Cotner? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for the ATC, and you curse the health care supermen. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know -- that my random personal opinions about food safety, while unsupported by Indiana law or precedent, saves lives; and my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives.

You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at beer parties, you want me on that wall -- you need me on that wall.

We use words like "honor," "that’ll be $20," and "superior intellect." We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punch line.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a drunkard who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very public health and safety that I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it.

I would rather that you just said "thank you" and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up some hand sanitizer and stand the post. Either way, I don't give a DAMN what you think you're entitled to!

I do the job I was chosen to … and you're god damn right I made it all up on a whim! Now, be a good little boy and obey your elders.

After all, there’s no pluralism in a foxhole, juvenile.

Tuesday, November 05, 2019

These last two Gahan campaign mailers are ridiculous.



Free furnaces? Airbag bullying? Just two more outrageous Gahan mailers, one a promise and the other a threat, and ...

What was that?

Oh, right.



Well, he DOES pretend to be Santa Claus and he probably WISHES his hand could come out of the dashboard and wag a finger at us.

Or maybe it's the same graphics company doing ALL the mailers.

Tuesday, August 27, 2019

Gahan eats a Danish, installs campaign finance-themed pedestrian crossing signals.


The Green Mouse received a link from a friend: Danish city installs Viking-themed pedestrian crossing signals (text below). What happened next was very predictable.

It's 2:00 a.m., and a phone rings near Main Street, muffled by the ornamental grasses in a nearby median.

"See here, Rosenbarger. This Viking crosswalk light thingy has potential. Didn't the Vikings raid and pillage everywhere they went? That's some really good shit, but $150 to convert the lights? Say what? How do those Danish mayors get their families to Disney World twice a year on $150? Look, some of our Special Friends can do these for at least $500 each, although you need to make sure we're getting the volume warehouse discount for $100 actual cost, then we can convert every light in the city and put those cute anchors on them -- wait, that's no fun, how about my FACE on each one?


"HAH! That Chowchewsku guy never managed THAT, did he?"

Now for the straight dope.

Danish city installs Viking-themed pedestrian crossing signals

Aug. 26 (UPI) -- A city in Denmark is celebrating its Viking heritage by replacing the crosswalk signal lights with the images of the historic Scandinavian warriors.

The city of Aarhus, which was founded by Vikings in the 8th century, unveiled the first of the Viking-themed crossing signals Monday. The city is planning to install the lights at 17 crossings in the city.

Buenyamin Simsek, a councilor in the Aarhus city planning department, pitched the scheme early in the year and the Moesgaard Museum, located just outside of the city, teamed up with officials to bring the idea to fruition.

Officials said each walking signal costs about $150 to convert.

Wednesday, July 24, 2019

ASK MAYOR GAHAN: "My Boyfriend Sounds Like An Injured Hyena During Sex. Think I Can Turn a Quick Buck Off This?"


In an effort to show fairness and give equal time to the incumbent, NA Confidential is proud to present "ASK MAYOR GAHAN," an advice column in which our own Slick Jeffrey tries his level best to help ordinary people lead lives as flawlessly suburban as his own.

Dear Mayor Gahan,

Hi, I’m an avid reader who is wondering what you’re reading this summer. My current choice of books is A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers. What’s yours?

Thanks for the compliment. I’m a very stable staggering genius, you know. They love me in England. As for a book, I started reading “Tame Your Terrible Office Tyrant” but I couldn’t see the point. Now each night I have one of the city employees come over to the house and read to me from “Boss Tweed: The Story of a Grim Generation.”

Great bedtime stories are the best, and also being hand-fed grapes and fanned with palm fronds.

---

Dear Mayor Gahan,

What can you tell us about that horrible intersection at Bank and Main Streets? Your city engineer keeps saying there’s nothing he can do, but then he told the Board of Works there’d be an expensive study into the possibility of stop lights. Can’t you just make it a four-way stop for a couple hundred bucks, slow the cars and call it good?

Look, do I come to YOUR house and tell you how to run your own family? Okay, maybe I do, but I’ve had it up to here with citizens complaining about traffic.

First, whenever one of my employees lies, be aware he or she is doing it for me out of love and affection because my minions adore me, especially when I bring them Kool-Aid and Rice Krispies Treats. This is another way of saying that lying is what I make them do to keep their jobs.

Secondly, Mister Smarty Pants Strong Towns Member, do you have any idea how much of a campaign donation I get from assigning stop signs to the Street Department to erect (excuse my French, Soos)?

None, that’s how much. But that stop light study should bring in a thousand tasty smackers.

---

Dear Mayor Gahan,

About two weeks ago, our 5-month-old puppy began stepping into her water bowl, splashing the water around, and flipping the bowl over. She then likes to play in the water that is on the floor. (It’s not an issue with her food bowl.) We’ve taken to holding a small Tupperware container that she can drink out of until she splashes, and then we take it away. This is not sustainable. What can we do to keep our house dry?


Don’t you love Walt Disney? I mean the superhuman man himself, not just his fantastic empire of life-altering imaginary escapist theme parks.

Did I tell you that MY favorite hit song from Great Uncle Walt’s archive of movies is the very same one as his, called “Feed the Birds,” about the pigeon lady in Mary Poppins?

This great man liked the song so much that he’d drop by the music department office just when they were busiest and request a personal performance of “Feed the Birds,” and if anyone griped, he’d fire them.

Try this with your dog. If it doesn't work, there's always a TIF area. Now if you'll excuse me, plenty of beaks need wetting.

---

Mayor Gahan returns next week to answer, accept donations and fill out your absentee ballot. Previously:

Here's our new weekly advice column: ASK MAYOR GAHAN.

Thursday, July 18, 2019

Deaf Gahan vows to save Woodstock 50: "We'll TIF that bad boy right into Bicentennial Park."


In a hurried pajama-clad press conference adjacent to Mark Seabrook's house, Gahan vowed to raze public housing over the weekend if enough space could be cleared for Woodstock 50 to be held on Bono Road.

"Like we've said all along," intoned Dear Leader, "our TIF zones are healthy, and as we all know, music festivals as economic development generate big-time donor kickbacks from the Port-A-Let suppliers."

Michael Lang was unavailable for comment.

Woodstock 50 Organizers “Considering All Options” After Unanimous Permit Rejection, by Madison Bloom (Pitchfork)

The fate of the festival, originally slated to take place August 16-18, remains unknown

Woodstock 50 has issued a new statement on the status of the festival. In an email to Pitchfork, a Woodstock 50 spokesperson said that the event organizers are “considering all options at this point.”

The 50th anniversary of the iconic 1969 festival—slated to take place August 16-18—has encountered multiple setbacks since it was announced back in January. In April, ticket sales were delayed following the festival’s failure to obtain a required permit from the New York State Department of Health (DOH). Later that month, investors Dentsu Aegis Network pulled financial support, announcing that the festival had been called off.

In the months since those initial hurdles, Woodstock 50 has entered a legal battle with Dentsu, lost its event producer and original venue in Watkins Glen, New York, and was denied a permit for a new venue at Vernon Downs. On Tuesday (July 16), the town of Vernon voted unanimously to reject an appeal by festival organizers following the denied permit application. It marked the third attempt by the festival to move to Vernon Downs race track.

Friday, July 12, 2019

Here's our new weekly advice column: ASK MAYOR GAHAN.


In an effort to show fairness and give equal time to the incumbent, NA Confidential is proud to present "ASK MAYOR GAHAN," an advice column in which our own Slick Jeffrey tries his level best to help ordinary people lead lives as flawlessly suburban as his own.

---

Dear Mayor Gahan,

Recently, I saw an e-mail on my boyfriend’s phone from a female co-worker that read, "Sandwich is on your desk bud ;)." Yes, co-workers do that kind of stuff. But I couldn't help it that my blood boiled. I trust my man, but I also feel uncomfortable with him being chummy with female co-workers. I know some honestly are just being nice! But we all know the other kind; where sandwich is code for "I want you." Am I being ridiculous here?

Did you know I invented the sandwich?

My rule of thumb is to never be chummy with any other human being unless it's a transaction confined to campaign finance. Even then, handshakes are a no-no; too many germs, so have them slip the envelope into the plastic flower arrangement on my desk. And buying people food is fine so long as they're giving you back at least ten times the value in political donations.

Has your boyfriend's co-worker supported my campaign? If not, I could have Todd drop in and gently encourage her.

---

Dear Mayor Gahan,

My husband's brother-in-law is immature and self-centered, but I wasn't prepared for what a bad house guest he is. He won't have so much as a cup of coffee at our house, insisting on going out for everything. The first trip he just sat back expectantly when the check arrived, until we finally had to tell him we could not afford to pay for everything. He only wants to do what he wants to do, making faces and being passive aggressive at our suggestions. He doesn't pick up after himself, he drinks a lot. You get the idea. What can I do?

Consider pulling strings to get your husband's brother-in-law's son or daughter hired at the fire department. I did. It's easy; just an executive order, and they skip right to the front of the line. You see, the fire department is a high wage job, and his kid can buy a big house with guest rooms. Problem solved.

That'll be $50, payable to the Gahan for Mayor Re-Election Fund (Patronage Hiring Department).

Ha ha -- I'm just joking!

Actually it's $100.

--

Dear Mayor Gahan,

My husband told me that he received a very strange call well past midnight from someone. He said he answered the phone and a man who sounded like his boss began yelling at him about Baylorites and communists, and he sounded kind of drunk. Then the drunk man hung up and he didn't call back. I'm angry and want to confront the man, but I have no idea who it was or how to contact him. These calls happen all the time. Am I just supposed to try to forget this ever happened?

I'm confused. Did Warren go and remarry?

---

Mayor Gahan returns next week to answer, accept donations and fill out your absentee ballot.

Friday, May 31, 2019

NA Confidential's inaugural Pillage Awards are coming soon to a vacant lot near you.


There are so many vacant lots to choose from. Anyway, here are the categories.

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Pillage Depreciation Award
The Pillage Depreciation Award is intended to recognize an individual, business or organization that has significant disinvested in physical improvements to the downtown and uptown areas.

One to three awards will be granted in any one year, depending on the number of press releases set to local media outlets.

The disinvestment might be in the neglect of historic structures, skinflinting a new structure, or torching just about any structure, and should have been substantially completed (or burned) in the previous year ending May 31st. The number of awards granted will be determined by the staff of NA Confidential based upon nominations received, and after we consume enough gin to steady our voting hands.

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Pillage Nearsighted Horizon Award
The Pillage Nearsighted Horizon Award recognizes a new or emerging political luminary. Nominees should have been cognizant of downtown or uptown areas for five years or less, having leaped belatedly into the fray out of sheer opportunism.

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Pillage Potemkin Facade Award
The Pillage Potemkin Facade Award recognizes a politician, business or organization that has best presented a bright, shiny exterior in the downtown or uptown areas, without meaningful substance.

Nominees must have been in the business of deception for 10 years or more

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Pillage Unfulfillment Award
The Pillage Unfulfillment Award recognizes an individual who has made a significant devaluation to the downtown or uptown areas. The devaluation may be through one significant act of vandalism or through years of ongoing erosion.

Examples Include:​

  • An individual in public service who has demonstrated commitment to political patronage at the expense of business districts.
  • An individual affiliated with a business or non-profit organization who has personally compiled the most brownie points via membership on appointed boards.
  • An individual who has been responsible for a specific public subsidy to out-of-town corporate development companies -- note that the pre-calculated mayoral campaign finance donation must have cleared the bank before this trophy can be claimed.

Friday, May 03, 2019

Is there anything He can't do? Deaf Gahan patents new concrete mix for municipal use.



You may recall "Rearden Metal" from Ayn Rand's well-nigh unreadable novel Atlas Shrugged.

In Philadelphia, Hank Rearden, a self-made steel magnate, has developed an alloy called Rearden Metal, which is simultaneously lighter and stronger than conventional steel.

Rand's bizarre take on eroticism finds Rearden's lover Dagny Taggart getting an orgasmic charge from a bracelet made with Rearden Metal.

Meanwhile back here in Nawbany, Gahan Concrete is a mixture of aggregates and paste. The aggregates are sand, gravel and crushed stone; the paste is Kool Aid and portland cement -- with a pinch of loaded Rice Krispies Treats.

By the way, there is a real-life Reardon company (with a "o", not an "e").


I wonder if they make bracelets?

---


Democratic mayoral candidate David White understands that change begins with a whole lotta scrubbing, and NA Confidential advocates just such a deep civic cleansing. 

After eight years on the job, Mayor Jeff Gahan's list of stunning "achievements" is long, indeed: tax increasesbudgetary hide 'n' seekself-deificationdaily hypocrisy, public housing takeovernon-transparencypay-to-play for no-bid contracts, bullying city residents and bullying city employees. Eight years is enough. It's time to drain Gahan's swamp, flush his ruling clique and take this city back from Gahan's Indy-based special interest donors. 


NA Confidential supports David White for Mayor in the Democratic Party primary, with voting now through May 7

Wednesday, May 01, 2019

In which Team Gahan takes a roadtrip to Paradise.






THE END ... well, it can be the end of New Albany's swampy clique if you cast your ballot for David White for Mayor.

#FireGahan2019
#DrainTheSwamp
#FlushTheClique

Monday, March 18, 2019

Merchant Meeting tomorrow morning (Tuesday, March 19) at Mariposa Consignments.


Mayor Jeff M. Gahan presents your monthly "Downtown from the Top Down" fait accompli tomorrow morning at 8:30 a.m. By the way, Develop New Albany has a whole new way to "reach out" and redefine Nawbany's intrinsic surrealism:


Let's see: "And like a Good Neighbor, DNA is there"?

Wait -- a mere hundred dollars for NA Confidential to buy Kelly Winslow a Good Neighbor Membership, so she can upgrade to VIP status for the Taco Walk event that DNA stole from her?

Tempting. Anyone want to go halves?

We are excited to reintroduce our Residential membership level now called the "Good Neighbor" level to you! We are a non profit volunteer based organization and we rely on community support to fund our programs, small business loan program and projects throughout the year. Would you please consider becoming a member? We are looking to fund a residential facade grant program with the funds from Good Neighbor memberships. As the program grows, more details about the application process and funds distribution will be worked out. If you have any questions, please reach out to Heather Trueblood, Program Coordinator at 812-941-0018 or developnainfo@gmail.com for more info check out our website http://www.developnewalbany.org/membership-info.html

Like I've always said: When you live in New Albany, fiction simply cannot compete with reality.

Thursday, March 07, 2019

FLASHBACK: The ED and the BC chart the arc of the sun as it climbs the New Gahanian sky.


It was March 25, 2016. David Duggins had not yet departed the comfortable confines of HWC Engineering Presents: The New Albany Redevelopment Commission, and David Brewer as remained the city's Building Commissioner. They had a chat about the Anchor King, and the Green Mouse captured it on a hidden microphone.

Here it is.

---

“David, it’s David.”

“Duggins? It’s 4 o’clock in the blessed a.m.”

“Listen, Brewer – just be glad it isn’t the mayor.”

“True that. What’s up?”

“We have a problem. The switch is broken, and Home Depot is closed.”

“What switch? The Random Parks Jobs Generator Switch?”

“No, no. Are you kidding? Parks are the only economic development plan we have. We’re even going to generate a hover board park inside Pillsbury next week. No, I’m talking about the main switch.”

“You mean … ”

“That’s right. The Sunrise Switch.”

“What happened?”

“I dunno; cheap Chinese plastic shit – and to think we paid Jorge Lanz $675.85 for it, THEN he was late with his campaign donation. Anyway, the switch fell apart overnight.”

“What if the mayor wakes up and he can’t flip the Sunrise Switch?”

“Exactly. You know as well as I do. No switch, and the sun won’t come up today.”

“Jesus. It’s like that Hemingway book, ‘The Sun Also Rises.’ ”

“Never heard of it. Reading really sucks. Come to think of it, that’s the only thing Zurschmiede got right the entire campaign – never admit to reading.”

“Oh, I didn’t actually read it. Baylor said something about it on his blog.”

“Really? I’ll let Rogar know. I'm sure she'll have something to say.”

---

“What’s the big deal, anyway? I mean, the switch isn’t actually connected to anything. The sun’s going to come up whether Jeff pushes a button or not.”

“Yeah, but the mayor doesn’t know that. Look, you’re the building commissioner. Can’t you go confiscate a light switch from a derelict property somewhere? We can cut a check; no big deal.”

“That would be stealing from the taxpayers.”

“Well, so is TIF, and I didn’t see you objecting to any of that.”

“Calm down. It’s your fault that Jeff thinks he controls the sunrise.”

“Bullshit. How so?”

“You’re the one who showed him that video about North Korea.”

“Wasn’t me. I have no idea what North Korea is. Now, sweet home Sellersburg’s another story. I know all about that – and One Southern Indiana. They always make me feel dreamy.”

“It definitely was you. The link came from NA Confidential, and you showed Gahan the video and said see, this guy’s got nothing on you. I remember it. You told the mayor that plaques were small potatoes, and from now on it was towering statues only.”

“Whatever. You have to break a few eggs if you want to be deputy mayor.”

“I can’t believe you’re still going on about that. If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a dozen times. Mayors don’t give their in-laws cushy jobs just to turn around and appoint you as deputy mayor.”

“Hmm. Maybe I can be the son he never had. You know, I’m only here because I believe in Jeff Gahan.”

“Uh huh. Like you’re the first one to drink the Kool-Aid. But look, what about that other sun, the one that won’t rise and light the sky unless our boss thinks he made it so by throwing a switch? We need to think outside the box.”

“But didn’t we prohibit that? I’ll ask Adam Disney first thing.”

---

“David, I’ve got it.”

“What have you got, David?”

“Call those architects – you know, the ones who wanted to build a strip mall on Community Park a few years back.”

“Dude, that was cheeky. The county should have nailed that. You mean the firm of Same, Old & Suspect?”

“Right, them. Didn’t one of them just design your dog park?”

“Right. Around the office, we call him The Human Shield. He talks and talks about diplomas, and everyone forgets the political part.”

“Okay. So get him over to Gahan’s place, stat. Stick him on one of those Spring Street dump trucks. They drive like demons.”

“It’s why they call them Fast Track. Got it. Architect on dump truck. Then what?”

“When the mayor wakes up, the architect is right there – we’ll need a news crew, too. Anyone on payroll?

“WHAS backed us really nice on the Native American nutjob thing.”

“That works. Have them there, waiting. When Gahan reaches over to turn on the sun, the architect grabs his hand and stops him.”

“Go on.”

“He says, Mr. Mayor, the Baylorites have booby-trapped the sun. If you touch that switch, you’ll see your shadow, and we’ll have six more years of bad baseball teams in Cincinnati.”

“That’s good. He’ll buy that. But what about the sun? If the sun doesn’t rise in New Albany, I may have to go where it’s warm.”

“I’m getting there. So, the architect tells Jeff: Look, no more switches. You can do it with your head, kinda like voodoo. All you have to do is repeat after me: ‘There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.’”

“Sniffle.”

“Omigod! Duggins, are you crying?”

“It’s so beautiful. The mayor swallows the bait, and voy-la, no more Sun Switch. We’ll just throw that saved 700 bucks onto the next paving contract. Just one question.”

“Shoot.”

“Which one of us is the Scarecrow?”

Sunday, December 09, 2018

Lien this way, because it's a Mansion on Main pop quiz -- and we're leaning toward this autographed 12-pack of Bud Light Lime Mango-Rita as first prize.


That's right, folks; 12 delicious cans of Bud Light Lime Mango-Rita, recently chosen as the OFFICIAL BEVERAGE OF NEW ALBANY TIF ZONES, in a ready-to-frame cardboard box with the mayor's autograph.

To redeem your prize, just a mail a check for the $25 processing fee to Committee to Re-Elect Mayor Gahan, PO Box BR-549, Birdseye IN.

Ready?

Here's the question.


Oops -- that's no question at all, is it? Has the Green Mouse been day-drinking again?

Whaddya say we keep the grand prize on ice, and wait until next time?


But heavens, those Rice Krispies Treats look mighty fine.

Friday, December 07, 2018

One festive afternoon at HWC Engineering's holiday open house.








Lieber Führer visits NAHA, Eiffel Tower: "We're from the government and we're here to help ... ourselves."


Those words in the header are more terrifying than the Gauleiter's sweater, but when you're pulling down the big money, the sty's the limit.

Click this search link  for NA Confidential's observations about the public housing takeover and subsequent colonial administration, in reverse chronological order: New Albany Housing Authority.

Meanwhile, New Albany's corporeal attorney is examining a burning question: Is the city allowed to charge a shit load of pith helmets to its TIF One card, or must campaign donors foot the bill? 


#FireGahan2019