Monday, September 26, 2016

Irv unveils new supertruckinglobby group -- and then it's time for show and tell.

Ever notice that he never tries to keep Tiger green?

In a dramatic appearance at the McDonald's on State Street, Irv Stumler has announced the formation of the Justice League of New Albany. He even hired 89-year-old Doc Severinson to perform JLNA's theme music.

Stumler spoke to a packed table that included every corporate signatory to the 2015 "we've got a great big convoy" lawsuit against the city ...

Narcissus still gazes adoringly at his erection.

 ... as well as two poor schmucks who had the misfortune to wander in to Ronnie Mac's for coffee, only to be waterboarded into signing Stumler's petition to restore Calvin Coolidge to the throne.

"Today, the Justice League of New Albany is here today to outlaw Jeff Gahan forever," Stumler thundered. "The bombing begins in 10 minutes!"

Amid chuckles, Stumler proceeded to rebut HWC Engineering's two-way street proposal in exacting detail, using cool flash cards he bought at Office Depot.

Here's a transcript.

"The Trucking -- wait, I mean "Justice" League has the perfect answer for toll dodgers!"

"And speeders!"

"Not to mention all that good two-shoes walkability!"

"When we hear the words 'quality of life,' we reach for our keys."

"Those small business operators who want to get ahead, well, have they thought about joining our dynamic and growing segment?"

"Safety? If there's a conflict between the Justice League and one of those goofy Spandex bicyclists, well, we all know who's gonna win that one."

"Gentlemen, start your engines!"

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