Sunday, August 16, 2009

New neighborhood association chartered in New Albany.

With a population of 6 – two humans and four cats – the 1117 East Spring Street Neighborhood Association (1117 NA, for short), seeks to capitalize on the city's enduring, unceasing factionalist disunity by actively competing against other, like-minded groups for scarce and diminishing resources at the precise time when co-operation is most needed.

“We believe that circling our wagon is the best approach to deal with the transitional status of the areas outside our own tiny patch of turf,” says 1117 NA founder R. A. Baylor.

“This way, it’s all for number one, and none for all.”

In like spirit, the formation of the 1117 NA is being lauded by those parasitical elements that readily thrive in New Albany’s historic downtown residential areas in the absence of principled unity, including the Slumlord Benevolent Society (SBS), the Meth Cooker’s Alliance (MCA), the Diversity Ends at the Tip of My Porch’s Nose (DETMPN), and the Committee to Re-elect Steve Price (JETHRO).

Its perimeter duly staked, 1117 NA intends an immediate petition to the Indiana Housing & Community Development Authority (IHCDA) Board of Directors for “purely an afterthought” funding from the NSP Community Neighborhood Revitalization Fund.

According to Baylor, 1117 NA’s bid for afterthought funding stands in stark contrast with applications submitted by other, larger neighborhood associations in the area.

“Seeking the betterment of whole city blocks is effete, outmoded, pie in the sky blather from the same liberal minds that brought us socialistic health care,” he says. “It only makes the slumlords mad, while getting the rest of us dirty. However, 1117 NA’s bold, innovative proposal keeps it small and sustainable. If approved, these neighborhood stabilization monies will be used as soon as possible to enhance the quality of life where it matters most: Right here at 1117 E. Spring.”

Items on 1117 NA’s neighborhood revitalization checklist include a big-ass brick wall to keep everyone else out, a new hot tub on the back patio, a humidor and cigar lounge in the unfinished basement, more refrigeration and beer tapping capability, and guaranteed lifetime supplies of both cat food and kitty litter.

Baylor said that when it comes to existing neighborhood associations, there are no hard feelings.

“There’s no ‘team’ in ‘I’, and there’s no ‘communal’ in ‘lone wolf’, but what the hell -- they’ll figure it out eventually. It just got to the point where too many hoity-toity bloggers were telling me how to live my life, and my wife's and cats’ lives, too, and if I believed in God, I’d say ‘by God’, that’s just un-American. Them people don't scare me.”

“If you'll pardon me now, I have an appointment for high tea with my 3rd district councilman. We’ll be discussing investments in offshore rental properties -- the ones in those other neighborhoods."

(submitted press release)


dburke said...

That just may go over the heads of those who may be its intended audience, but it was quite a peice of work.

bluegill said...

Does this mean the communal free state idea is out?

The Bookseller said...

Still missing that "Like" button.

Be careful, though. I understand the upstairs of 1117 has interests different from the downstairs...not to mention the garage.

Kerberos said...

Thanks for the post. This really made my day, and at the rate things are going, probably my whole weekend!

The Bookseller said...

dburke's lowered heads notwithstanding, this would make an eggsullent newspaper colim.

edward parish said...

Darn, we thought we were the only "Black Pearl" in NA, especially in the ex-Mayor's hood.

Best of luck at your next board meeting, hopefully the Cat Empire will wish to rule, oh wait, they already

dan chandler said...

NA's Onion. Love it!

Bayernfan said...

This announcement exceeded my expectations! Well done!

Vesparado Queen said...

ROTFLMAO.... Exquisitely put. Your pen is mighty!! Wield on.

Iamhoosier said...

I think that I know a guy who has contemplated putting up gates to keep people out. I can have him contact you, if you wish.