Friday, September 25 is the soft RE-opening for dining inside at NABC Pizzeria & Public House.

Trek to the Deck, 1999.

Think of it as a public service announcement. We did curbside at NABC on Saturday, and if I may say so myself, the Roundhouse was brilliant. Sunday was spent eating leftover pizza and bread sticks. I've emphasized one passage in bold.   

Facebook post 

Well, guess it’s that time of year again, ya know, the one where there was a pandemic & you haven’t had customers in your building for six months?!

Soft opening THIS Friday September 25th on the Pizzeria dining room side.

We will resume our regular carryout service as before meaning customers will call in an order, you’ll be quoted a pick up time only this time you’ll be required to wear a mask upon pick up.

We will continue to be a first come first serve operation with the exception of the “waiting room” being outside the building to encourage physical distancing.

DOORS OPEN at 11am THIS Friday September 25th 2020

PLEASE NOTE our hours of operation have changed for the time being:

Friday & Saturday LUNCH & dinner
11am - 9pm

Monday- Thursday dinner only
3pm - 9pm

Masks must be worn upon entry and only taken off while seated at your space please.

ALL employees will wear masks properly and continuously.

We will be very diligent about cleaning spaces especially after each use.

IF the allotted spaces fill to capacity we will get a cell phone number from you and ask that you wait outside the building.
We will call you as soon as a space is cleaned, sanitized and available!

Operating a restaurant during COVID-19 has been challenging to all of us. We are, thankfully, a popular independent, local, family owned & operated business. We all need each other to make this work.

Please be patient, kind, & respectful to one another. We are doing the best we can do under these circumstances.
Hand washing, mask wearing, & distancing is the key to all of our health.
Be safe & well during pandemic & cold&flu season

RECAP:
11-9 on the weekends Friday & Saturday

3-9 Monday-Thursday

Masks must be worn upon entry and only taken off while seated at your space please.

IF the allotted spaces fill to capacity we will get a cell phone number from you and ask that you wait outside the building.

Birds of Prey.

True; the whole class is losing recess because of the actions of a few. At the same time, local governments have refused to enforce their own laws (as Steve notes), and the responsible majority within the food and drink economic sector has looked the other way while the scofflaws deny science and shirk voluntary restrictions. 

Change has to come from both directions. This being America, it likely won't, with the pandemic lasting longer and causing more suffering than it should. 

Opinion: Closing, Opening Bars And Restaurants Hastens Their Avoidable Deaths, by Steve Coomes (The Whiskey Wash)

 ... In 2020, anyone with any sense knows that packing the house is reckless. Still, some insist on rolling the dice and betting their immune systems are superior to an invisible microorganism that’s killed more than 150,000 and infected more than 4 million people in the U.S. alone. Pour alcohol on such stupidity and the gambler just gets gutsier ...

Roll With It.

At Food & Dining Magazine today I wrote a brief report about the (partial; carryout only) reopening next week of NABC, my former company.

Someone messaged me to ask how this feels.

It's very simple. I spent roughly half my life affiliated with the people, company and building. Those years always will be a part of me. Of course I want them to do well.

Please go back and patronize NABC, beginning next Monday. I'll be doing it.

New Albanian Brewing Company Pizzeria & Public House will reopen on August 10 for carryout only

In July the New Albanian Brewing Company Pizzeria & Public House (3312 Plaza Drive off Grant Line Road, New Albany) celebrated its 33rd anniversary as a family-owned and operated business. NABC is among New Albany’s oldest food and drink purveyors under continuous family ownership, and the brewery (founded 2002) is the 12th oldest in the state of Indiana.

However, NABC “electored” to suspend service on March 28, promising to return when management felt comfortable with safety for patrons and staff amid the pandemic. Now a reopening date of Monday, August 10 has been set for call-ahead curbside carryout only ...

Pints&union begins to reopen today, 4 to midnight. Mask up or miss out.

Pints&union is slowly reopening for dine-in service. We're also still doing curbside (menu here).

There was a small, invitation-only "soft" evening on Friday, and the general public can return as of today at 4:00 p.m.

Two things for the moment, understanding that as we move forward, there likely will be much adaptation.

First up, Nick Vaughn reports on the Friday night vibe.

Tastes, Sights, and Sounds from Pints' Reopening, by Nick Vaughn (The Aggregate)

Pints&union hosted their soft reopening on Friday, July 10th from 4 - 10 PM. While the full menu and draft list were familiar, Pints' reopening also came with new COVID-19 precautions to ensure the safety of patrons.

My good friend (and Best Man in my upcoming wedding) Andrew and I were lucky enough to be invited to the soft reopening. We both were ecstatic and extremely grateful for the invitation. It had been quite some time since we last sat at the bar and enjoyed the unique tastes, sights, and sounds that Pints has to offer ...

Second, because you may not have seen this passage within my ON THE AVENUES column Thursday ...

ON THE AVENUES: Mask up, folks. Pints&union is coming back, and we're taking precautions.

... our new general manager Steven Cavanaugh explains how this new and evolving era is going to begin.

Most importantly: Masks will be REQUIRED to enter Pints&union, to order at the bar, and to move about the pub. Essentially anytime you’ll be away from your table, we’ll require a mask to be worn.

---

PINTS & UNION REOPENING OUTLINE

Pints & union will be reopening to the public on Saturday, July 11th at 4:00 p.m.

While the charity work we’ve been able to accomplish in the time our doors have been closed has been some of the most rewarding and transformative experiences of our lives, we could not be more excited to welcome our guests back into the Public House you’ve come to know and love in our nearly two years of operation.

This being said, there are a few new procedures to be aware of that we’re implementing to ensure the highest level of safety for our guests and for our staff as possible.

For starters, masks will be REQUIRED to enter the building, to order at the bar, and to move about the pub. Essentially anytime you’ll be away from your table, we’ll require a mask to be worn.

Being a public house, we and all who enter have a duty to do our part in helping keep the public safe. We’ll be doing a temperature screen and taking information from one person in each party for contract tracing purposes. We’ll be self-imposing some capacity restrictions that go a bit further than the state currently allows by properly distancing all tables and bar stools, as well as prohibiting any standing-room-only areas.

Our neighbors at The Root have been kind enough to let us use their patio for dinner service from 5 to 10 PM on the weekends as an extension of our small outdoor seating area to help combat the capacity issue.

All tables will have a “drop zone” where fresh food will be placed by our staff and dirty dishes can be placed by guests for our team to pick up. We’ll have bottles of sanitizer provided by Starlight Distillery at each table for guests to use while they’re here, and are taking several other behind-the-scenes precautions such as air purifiers, ionizers in our AC unit, and new ceiling fans to constantly clean and circulate fresh air.

The whole team is beyond exciting to get our doors open again and see some familiar, albeit masked, faces! We’ve got a new dinner menu to show off as well as some incredible stories to tell behind some of our new products. We’ll see you all soon!

---

Let's close with this latter to the editor of The Journal, coverage area southeastern Colorado near the Four Corners. Says it all, in my view.

No shoes, no shirt, no mask, no service

Colorado has many laws and regulations to protect the public. Since 1997, vehicles must have proof of liability insurance. I can find no evidence of serious protest about this law.

It is a state law that motorcycle riders under age 18 must wear helmets. There was much protest about universal helmet laws; this was the compromise.

“No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service” was a response by businesses in the 1960s and 1970s to keep long-haired hippies out of stores and restaurants. 

There are no federal or state laws to this effect. However, there are laws that allow businesses to make their own regulations. This phrase has become an accepted norm. No contagion results from disobeying these examples.

If I am parked next to your car that has no proof of insurance, I am not exposing you or being exposed to anything lethal. If you pass me riding your motorcycle without a helmet, your exposure to harm is greater than mine.

Until January this year, we gave little thought to “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service.” Scientific information says wearing masks can keep you and me from being exposed to COVID-19. Businesses can initiate this as a regulation.

Common sense suggests that If there is no choice, we will wear masks. We all will be safer if businesses work together to make “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Masks, No Service ” the norm in Montezuma County.

MB McAfee, Lewis

ON THE AVENUES: Mask up, folks. Pints&union is coming back, and we're taking precautions.

I'm sharing column space this week with sentences written by two others, so let's get started.

Pints&union is coming back, although to be specific, we never really went away. Owner Joe Phillips explains this in the current issue of Edible Kentucky & Southern Indiana.

When the COVID-19 quarantine shut down local restaurants in March, we were devastated and silent. We all knew it was coming, but to know it’s knocking at your door is a very different reality than watching others face it on social media or television. We were shell-shocked for two days—then realized we needed to get back to work, somehow.

Knowing our perishable food would go bad, we donated it to our workers who were suddenly out of work. We needed a sense of purpose; we needed to give back to the workers who have been providing hospitality to our communities every day for years.

Chef Edward Lee and Lindsey Ofcacek, founders of the LEE Initiative, gave us that opportunity with the Restaurant Workers Relief Program. Thanks to a donation from Maker’s Mark Distillery, we gathered essential household items and served hot meals to feed laid off restaurant workers and their families every day. There are no words to fully describe what it felt like to experience the gratitude of the many service workers who received support and love during this scary time.

With additional donations, we joined forces with 610 Magnolia, Lee’s flagship Louisville restaurant, to serve Louisville industry workers while still keeping tabs on the people we served in New Albany, Indiana. The streets were empty but our hearts were full, serving over 200 people per week. The program expanded to 18 other cities in the U.S., providing over 275,000 meals.

Moving forward, we are working with the LEE Initiative’s Restaurant Reboot Relief Program, a $1 million commitment to purchase produce from local farmers for restaurants to create more sustainable food supply chains. Restaurants that have hosted restaurant-worker relief centers will receive the food and help select other local restaurants to participate.

This remains a trying time for all of us. I have witnessed firsthand amazing beauty from great loss. I have seen open doors and hearts, open minds and people united for a greater sense of purpose. We look forward to enduring this time, coming out stronger together.

Joe also threw himself into helping others in West Louisville when the Black Lives Matter protests began, although this is another story for a different time.

You should know that I’m proud to be working for a man who hasn't once denied science during a pandemic, complained about financial misfortune, dismissed the importance of civil rights for fear of alienating antebellum mouth-breathers, or minimized the all-purpose societal challenges we're facing at this juncture.

As I've said before, Joe just lowers his head and runs in the direction of the fire. It’s too bad not every downtown dining and drinking establishment's owner can say the same … but alas, I digress.

---

Our new general manager at Pints&union is Steven Cavanaugh, a resident of New Albany who recently concluded a long, productive stint running the Garage Bar in NuLu.

Steven wrote this outline of what we’ll be doing for the safety of our customers and ourselves when the doors reopen to the public on Saturday.

PINTS & UNION REOPENING OUTLINE

Pints & union will be reopening to the public on Saturday, July 11th at 5:00 p.m.

While the charity work we’ve been able to accomplish in the time our doors have been closed has been some of the most rewarding and transformative experiences of our lives, we could not be more excited to welcome our guests back into the Public House you’ve come to know and love in our nearly two years of operation.

This being said, there are a few new procedures to be aware of that we’re implementing to ensure the highest level of safety for our guests and for our staff as possible.

For starters, masks will be REQUIRED to enter the building, to order at the bar, and to move about the pub. Essentially anytime you’ll be away from your table, we’ll require a mask to be worn.

Being a public house, we and all who enter have a duty to do our part in helping keep the public safe. We’ll be doing a temperature screen and taking information from one person in each party for contract tracing purposes. We’ll be self-imposing some capacity restrictions that go a bit further than the state currently allows by properly distancing all tables and bar stools, as well as prohibiting any standing-room-only areas.

Our neighbors at The Root have been kind enough to let us use their patio for dinner service from 5 to 10 PM on the weekends as an extension of our small outdoor seating area to help combat the capacity issue.

All tables will have a “drop zone” where fresh food will be placed by our staff and dirty dishes can be placed by guests for our team to pick up. We’ll have bottles of sanitizer provided by Starlight Distillery at each table for guests to use while they’re here, and are taking several other behind-the-scenes precautions such as air purifiers, ionizers in our AC unit, and new ceiling fans to constantly clean and circulate fresh air.

The whole team is beyond exciting to get our doors open again and see some familiar, albeit masked, faces! We’ve got a new dinner menu to show off as well as some incredible stories to tell behind some of our new products. We’ll see you all soon!

One point in the preceding merits emphasis:

“Masks will be REQUIRED to enter the building, to order at the bar, and to move about the pub. Essentially anytime you’ll be away from your table, we’ll require a mask to be worn. Being a public house, we and all who enter have a duty to do our part in helping keep the public safe.”

Here's the best sign I've seen on the topic of masks, as produced by a Twitter friend; it's posted at Chicago Bagel Authority on Belmont Avenue in that toddlin' town.

Now to my column stanzas.

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I suspect that our American cultural preference to emphasize mind-numbling ignorance about the wider world doesn’t manage to produce rebellious Francophiles in quite the way we used to, but there was a time when they indeed roamed the earth.

And so let’s imagine an American man of late middle age, living in Louisville, or perhaps even Southern Indiana, who is enamored of all things French, especially the city of Paris, to him the exemplar of culture, modernity … and yes, all-purpose éclat.

The year is 1939, and the leaves have fallen. Owing to a modest inheritance and toothsome work habits, our Francophile friend -- can we refer to him as Frank? -- has long been able to indulge his love of France through visits every other year. It's not France alone for Frank, who has embraced the classic “grand tour” notion of examining Western European haunts. He usually spends time in non-Parisian locales during his trips.

Still, French terroir is Frank's first and most abiding love.

Frank is looking forward to the year 1940; April in Paris, after all. In fact, he has booked passage to France well in advance for the spring of 1940, sailing on the French Line (the Compagnie Générale Maritime) from New York City to Le Havre, where the trains depart for Paris.

However, storm clouds are gathering. War in Europe is all but certain. Transatlantic passages are starting to dwindle, yet Frank persists, because these trips to France are life itself to him, and the sustenance for coping with the philistinism in FDR’s increasingly socialist America, from which he simply must escape every now and then to a place where they do things correctly.

Unfortunately our Frank is a Republican.

Calendar pages turn, and as Frank’s holiday in France draws ever nearer, he finally gets cold feet. Friends, family and the American government conspire to issue unassailable warnings about the potentially dangerous situation across the pond. As a frequent traveler, Frank wangles a postponement with only the minimum in penalties. He’ll sail instead in 1941, after the inclement geopolitical weather blows over.

And so, on cue, the Germans invade France in the spring of 1940, quickly overwhelming the French and capturing Paris. World War II ensues, by any measure the most destructive war in human history.

It will be 1946 before Frank is able to return to Paris. In the interim, he lives his life correctly. Frank purchases war bonds, maintains a Victory Garden, volunteers for useful wartime homefront duties, reads the library's collection of French novels in translation at least twice each, and burns through multiple phonograph needles listening to the 1941 hit song that always brings his hankie out.

But then it's 1946, and Frank at long last sees Paris again, finding himself seated within the familiar confines of Harry’s New York Bar at 5 Rue Daunou – Sank Roo Doe Noo – with a Bloody Mary in one hand and a Havana in the other, daydreams of his heroes Ernest Hemingway, George Gershwin and Jack Dempsey swirling through the battered touring cap on his simply delighted, albeit far grayer head.

It doesn’t seem to Frank like it has been eight years. He's happy to be back, and the feeling is intensified by gratitude, because beating the damned evil Nazis proved to be a collective accomplishment far outweighing his own selfish desires. Hell, even that filthy communist Uncle Joe Stalin helped us out.

Moulin Rouge, here Frank comes.

---

Returning from the realm of fiction to the present day, we’re experiencing a global pandemic, and Europe is closed to Americans because so many of my countrymen exist in a stuporous state of anti-scientific, fruit-loops-grade denial of medical reality, prattling endlessly about their "rights" while burying their heads in the alluvial mud at the slightest suggestion of responsibilities.

Yes, I won't be going to Europe any time soon, and it bothered me at first like it bothered Frank back in 1940, but the constructive way I propose to deal with it is to accept the nature of the threat and react sensibly to it, correctly even, such that a semblance of good might come about.

I'm wearing a facemask in public, practicing social (physical) distancing to the best of my ability, washing my hands often, practicing good hygiene overall, and being as much a part of the solution as I can possibly be, as opposed to being another brick in the wall of problematic narcissism.

At the present time, it is my earnest hope that in 2021 my aching feet again will be transported to European soil. As always, upon arrival, whether it’s next year or five more afterward, I’ll kiss the ground, sob tears of joy and thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster for my good fortune to be able to enjoy a brief respite from other Americans.

Until then, whatever it takes. I’ll do my part to deal with COVID-19. You should consider doing yours, too, and those of you who are being proud, stupid and plainly anti-social about it -- sorry, not sorry, but you're making it worse for everyone.

---

Recent columns:

July 5: ON THE AVENUES took a week off. Here's what I've been writing while on holiday.

June 25: ON THE AVENUES: I’m invisible, so will you stop insisting you see me?

June 18: ON THE AVENUES: Anything except common, that Kentucky Common.

June 11: ON THE AVENUES: Some enchanted evening, you may see a stranger.

BEER WITH A SOCIALIST: Believe it or not, "Drunk people can't socially distance."

Yep, it takes a pandemic to grasp that drunks slobber, hug each other, start fights and behave abominably. Been there, seen that. To be honest, done that, myself.

If bars elect to pack them in as though the past six months haven't even happened, we can expect more of the same. It's happening everywhere right now. My loyalty to the food and drink business precludes me from calling out anyone; it's just personal with me now, and there are places I'll likely not go for a very long time into the future.

My main question about the reopening of pubs in the UK is how hard it's been for those still specializing in real ale to prepare when the actual reopening dates have changed. 

No one thinks about living beer during a pandemic, do they?

'Crystal clear' drunk people can't socially distance, say police in England in The Guardian

Police Federation chair says revellers would not adhere to one-metre-plus rules as pubs opened on Saturday

Drunk people are unable to properly socially distance, the chairman of the Police Federation has said as pubs reopened in England for the first time since lockdown.

John Apter said it was “crystal clear” revellers would not adhere to the one metre plus rule as restrictions were eased on Saturday.

Prof Chris Whitty said the pandemic “is a long way from gone” and urged the public to follow social-distancing rules as pubs and restaurants reopened.

But images from London’s Soho showed packed streets into the early hours of Sunday ...

New Albanian Brewing Company looks to reopen on or around the 1st of August.

The post below drew almost 500 likes on Facebook and generated 80-odd comments, almost all of them positive. When you've been around 33 years, making NABC among the oldest continually operating pub businesses in town, that's the way it works.

While I'm no longer a part of NABC, make no mistake: I want them to succeed, and I'm confident they will. After all, 25 of those years included me, and I'm quite proud of what we accomplished in making New Albany a better place.

---

June 30, 2020

The New Albanian Brewing Co. Pizzeria & Pub (aka Sportstime Pizza) was TEMPORARILY closed in late March due to the Covid-19 virus pandemic. We had hoped for better news by now regarding the spread, testing, or vaccinations of this virus but this does not seem to be the case. We are still not satisfied that opening our doors would be in the best interest of our employees or the public. We are all facing unprecedented circumstances and this has not been easy to make business decisions but we are doing our best.

As such, we are announcing that NABC will remain closed for the month of July. Our plan, as of today, is to REOPEN on or around the first of AUGUST.

As you may be aware, we have been working on repairs and maintenance, cleaning, reorganizing and more cleaning since our shut down. Two of the bigger projects have already been completed during this time...a much-needed new roof for the entire complex as well as a new exhaust hood for our pizza oven! There has been some painting in both dining rooms and we have more projects planned during July such as adding a hand washing station in the Arcade, updating sanitation safety measures, updates to our employee handbook, printing new menus that will be easily wipeable, relocating the Gifts Store, installing new thermostats, installing two additional point-of-sale systems to provide less overlap of screen touching by front of house staff, and plans on how to layout the dining areas to provide distance and/or barriers of some sort between diners.

Opening will begin slowly for us not only to control the flow of customer traffic intelligently, safely and realistically, but because it will require quite a bit of time for us to ramp back up to full production of both food and beer. The brewery will take months to get back on track from ingredients ordered to brewing to tank time to tapping. Getting to our normal operational hours will take more time than anyone desires, but we feel it is the best course of action.

We are incredibly grateful for everyone's support, patience and understanding during these times. Please check our Facebook page for any new or updated information near the end of July.

Be safe. Wear a mask if you can. Wash your hands thoroughly and often. Stay physically distant, not socially distant. Hope to see you all soon!

Much Love,
The New Albanian Sisters
AMY&Kate

"The not-honest operators are making sick people come to work, refusing to offer paid time off or pay for testing, and that's gonna get people killed."

Journalist Amy McCarthy (@aemccarthy on Twitter) is the editor of Eater Dallas and Eater Houston. I've joined together a recent Twitter thread of hers to produce this narrative. As a pretext to McCarthy's words, the Washington Post comments on the escalating pace of hospitalizations in Texas.

Health officials in Texas reported a record number of hospitalizations on Wednesday — 2,793 — in a 66 percent increase since Memorial Day, an analysis by The Washington Post shows. The daily death toll also increased slightly in the past few days. Thirty-three coronavirus-related fatalities were announced Wednesday, making the total number of deaths statewide 2,062. Texas began to reopen on April 20 after roughly two weeks under a stay-at-home order. Cases have been trending upward since then.

McCarthy takes it from here.

It is extremely extremely fucked up that there is no requirement for restaurants to close after someone on staff tests positive for COVID-19. I am hearing so many (hard to verify) rumors about staff testing positive and working without a mask.

When you ask the owners about it, they either lie or tell you that person had no contact with guests.

We know that restaurants (and diners) are not following social distancing guidelines. Being in a restaurant right now is terrifying, even if they are "doing it right." The honest operators are shutting down! They're paying thousands and thousands of dollars to sanitize and install UV lights in their HVAC.

AND IT'S STILL NOT ENOUGH.

The not-honest operators are making sick people come to work, refusing to offer paid time off or pay for testing, and that's gonna get people killed. Right now, in Texas, there's no mechanism for punishing those operators.

If (Governor Greg) Abbott and his fuckboy cronies had their way, these businesses would be fully indemnified from ANY consequences of spreading coronavirus.

The worst part about it all is that so many of these businesses are in such a precarious financial position that they HAVE TO take today's pennies at the risk of tomorrow's dollars.

Because our fuckshit government won't do anything to help.

And this postscript:

I am worried sick about it, literally. These establishments can't survive if we're all dead from this fucking virus in six months.

CounterPunch on "the difference between people who think others should die so they can get a haircut and those with a strong social conscience."

True, a great deal of reopening fervor owes to personal narcissism and a pervasive ignorance; science always will be attacked because it differs with the delusion of superstition.

However we shouldn't make the mistake of thinking there'd be no active participation in the resistance to science from those entities standing to profit the most from individual narcissism.

The Corporate Origins of the Anti-Science “Reopen” Demonstrations, by Pete Dolack (CounterPunch)

Many of the same extreme right operatives who created the “Tea Party” are behind the anti-science and anti-intellectual spectacles opposing measures designed to combat the Covid-19 pandemic. And with much the same agenda.

By now, that is not much of a secret, but it is nonetheless necessary to expose these roots, and to debunk the anti-science conspiracy theories they help spread ...

(snip)

As a final thought, it has not escaped my attention that the right-wing anti-science protestors largely did not wear face masks while demonstrating, nor did they observe social distancing. By contrast, the Black Lives Matters protests that erupted after the police murder of George Floyd overwhelmingly wear face masks. (Nor did they carry weapons.) I’ve participated in four Black Lives Matters marches at the time of writing this article, and not only can I confirm that almost everyone wears masks, but there are always a couple of people handing out masks to people who need one. That’s the difference between people who think others should die so they can get a haircut and those with a strong social conscience.

Texas: "Cautiously coming back from the shutdown."

The key word in the clock-baitish headline is "cautiously." What if there were a reopening, and very few came? It would lessen the chance of a surge -- and an economic recovery.

Texas Is Showing the World How to Reopen Cautiously at Bloomberg

A month into lifting restrictions, coronavirus cases haven’t surged. Many residents are keeping their distance, raising doubts about the speed of the economic recovery.

Over Memorial Day weekend, a club in Houston hosted a pool party that looked straight out of spring break, with loads of bulky bare chests, bikinis and day drinking on an umbrella-filled patio during a balmy Saturday.

A day earlier, Texas Governor Greg Abbott allowed bars—along with rodeos, bowling alleys and bingo halls—to open their doors at reduced capacity in the second phase of the state’s plan to restart the economy after shutting down in early April to slow the coronavirus.

The scene at Clé Houston, which quickly spread on social media, played to stereotypes of Texans—libertarian, don’t-tread-on-me types who prize personal freedom.

But the reality of how many of the state’s citizens are behaving is much different. In other parts of the city that Saturday, bars were tame, even boring, with sparse attendance and plenty of crowd control. Some owners marked tables and floors with an X to reinforce social distancing. Another set out squeeze bottles filled with hand sanitizer.

South Padre Island, this was not.

A month into the reopening of one of America’s biggest economic engines, Texas looks a lot like those other Houston watering holes: cautiously coming back from the shutdown ...

It's time right now for City Hall to use our public spaces for COVID recovery.

I'm delighted to learn that Al Knable agrees.

Knable suggested exploring whether the funds could help downtown businesses expand outdoor seating and continue curbside service to reduce lost revenue due to social distancing guidelines.

“Those are lifelines of income for those businesses,” he said.

It's time for Jeff Gahan and the Democrats to seize the initiative, get off the pot, get down to brass tracks, curb their automobile supremacy (see what I did there?) and take a glance at what's working out there in the wider world.

And no we don't need yet another $75,000 HWC Engineering or Clark Dietz or Jacobi Toombs Lanz study to accomplish this. We need to get principled, stop trying to seize properties from widows in Linden Meadows (I see you, Davey) and repurpose public spaces.

Reopening Main Street

Re-opening Main Street Post-Covid-19 Quarantine

Bringing people back downtown and to shopping streets will require confidence that the health crisis is abating, and a future outbreak will be minimized. States are now starting to re-open retail, and California Governor Gavin Newsom announced this week that California is moving to Phase Two of the State’s re-opening strategy, which includes some retail stores, with restrictions.

A vaccine is perhaps many months (or even years) away, and widespread testing infeasible in the near future. Cities and communities will need to adjust public space to allow customers back in with distancing in mind. Restaurants present an opportunity that already has many indicators of success: repurpose sidewalks, street-side parking, and parking lots into outdoor dining areas.

Alfresco dining offers the community a way to enjoy the outdoors while supporting restaurants. There is evidence Coronavirus does spread while airborne, but it may lose strength with sun and warm weather. Outdoor dining areas could be popular as the warmer summer months approach, and they would provide the area needed for establishments to enact social distancing while maintaining feasible occupancy levels.

Main Streets are critical parts of our cities’ economies and social culture, and they will need support during recovery to bring people back. More outdoor dining will send a signal to consumers that it's safe to go back out, with people being the biggest attractor of people.

As reported by Jon Henley, in the Guardian, Lithuania’s capital, Vilnius, has announced plans to turn the city into a vast open-air cafe by giving over much of its public space to the hard-hit bar and restaurant owners so they can put their tables outdoors and still observe physical distancing rules.

Kerry Cavanaugh, Los Angeles Times editorial writer who is focused on housing, transportation, and the environment, advocates that when Los Angeles starts allowing businesses to reopen in the coming weeks and months, the city could take a cue from Lithuania. She writes, “Of course, Lithuania is very different from Los Angeles. But L.A. could take some inspiration from Vilnius’ willingness to experiment with public spaces to help the city return to some safer version of normalcy. How about closing off parking spots or lanes to cars on some neighborhood commercial strips, so restaurants and cafes could place more tables outside? Or perhaps closing some less-traveled streets so people have more space to exercise outdoors while still socially distancing?” ...

COVID: "States and cities need to watch the data and design circuit breakers that prompt new restrictions if infections start snowballing."

Yes, the key word is "if."

Last week was the first in Indiana for reopened restaurants. We'll all be looking at the trends after the coming week. After that, we'll see.

Following is the newsletter synopsis, so click the link to read the complete article.

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For reopening states, circuit breakers are needed, by Max Nisen (Bloomberg)

As even hard-hit states begin to reopen, the last thing anyone wants to hear about is the possibility of closing back down. Unfortunately, it’s something governors need to consider.

As rules are relaxed, more new infections are inevitable. Given Covid-19’s ability to spread undetected and America's limited ability to test, isolate and trace contacts of infected individuals, there will be opportunities for those infections to multiply into fresh outbreaks. The risk of deadly surges will grow as people grow more comfortable, and activity expands.

States and cities need to watch the data and design circuit breakers that prompt new restrictions if infections start snowballing.

Other countries have set a precedent. China has imposed new lockdowns and dramatic testing efforts in several regions in response to relatively few untraced cases. Singapore managed to control an early outbreak with intensive testing and tracing efforts. Still, it tripped a circuit breaker and imposed significant new restrictions in April after a rash migrant worker infections. It recently extended many of those measures into June.

Germany, as it reopens, is watching to see whether any region exceeds 50 new infections per 100,000 residents over seven days; if so, limits on movement and behavior will be reinstated there.

America is in a more precarious state without a consistent plan. Several states reopened quite broadly without meeting the Trump administration’s guidelines like a 14-day downward trajectory in new cases or positive test rates. Contact tracing programs are forming amid widespread community transmission that’s well above Germany’s line for further restrictions.

America’s high rate of infections only amplifies its need to draw lines. States and cities need circuit breakers in place well before autumn, when a possible surge in Covid-19 could combine with an emerging flu season to produce especially dangerous new outbreaks.

An outbreak large enough to threaten hospital capacity is the worst-case scenario, but states shouldn’t wait until then to act. Rapidly escalating spread should also trigger targeted restrictions, giving hospitals and contact tracers a chance to catch up. As New York City and other profoundly affected areas have demonstrated, hospitals take longer to empty than they do to fill, and a great deal of suffering occurs long before all the beds are full.

Any renewed restrictions are likely to be both disruptive and divisive. But early, targeted, and data-driven closures are likely to be far more popular than the broader shutdowns that may be required if severe new outbreaks aren't successfully interrupted.

Dear Peter: "10 Tasks for Cities Responding to the Pandemic."

The mayor's most recent video reminded me of that Downfall flick.

Meanwhile, Chuck has more good advice that doesn't stand a chance in New Gahania.

10 Tasks for Cities Responding to the Pandemic, by Charles Marohn (Strong Towns)

... Last week we published Nine Things Local Government Needs to Do Right Now in Response to the Pandemic, a guide for the first sixty days. Following that initial phase, local leaders must continue the mental shift they started by recognizing that:

1. Recovery will not mean restoration. 
2. You must work towards community self-sufficiency, fully knowing you won’t get all the way there. 
3. There is a tradeoff between growth and stability. 

Can you imagine anyone -- ANYONE -- amid the Team Gahan cadres capable of thinking along these lines?

Preparing for Recovery

With the community stabilized, it’s now time to shift to preparing for a recovery. Here is a list of ten things to work on once you're ready:

1. Waive Home Occupation Restrictions. 
2. Legalize Neighborhood Essential Services.
3. Kickstart Entrepreneurs. 
4. Legalize Housing Adaptations. 
5. Make Quick and Lean Investments in Walking and Biking. 
6. End Parking Requirements. 
7. Start Growing Food. 
8. Thicken Civic Infrastructure. 
9. Begin Reorienting Bureaucracies. 
10. Change How You Measure Success.

Here's the portion we're most in danger of botching, because Gahan's first instinct will be to ask HWC to "study" how we might use this assistance, thus revving up the same old pay-to-play bull feces.

State and Federal “Assistance”

It is likely that local governments will be offered some form of recovery assistance from the state and/or federal governments. In advance of these funds being offered, be proactive in having a discussion about how to respond ...

 ... Infrastructure spending is popular for state and federal officials because it creates immediate jobs and the potential for long-term growth. For local governments, new infrastructure has some of those same benefits, but also the additional long-term liability of now having to service and maintain that infrastructure. Over time, these hasty transactions rarely work out well for local communities, most of which are already burdened by years of deferred maintenance.

If you are asked or have a chance to influence deliberations, tell your state and federal officials that cities would benefit more from cash assistance than aid channeled through a narrow infrastructure funnel. Local government officials are more influential than they may think, so know that your recommendation could be impactful.

If the only form of assistance provided to local government ends up being an infrastructure appropriation, take steps to focus those funds. You want to select projects with the most upside benefit and the least additional long-term commitment. When considering projects:

• Prioritize maintenance over new capacity. 
• Prioritize below-ground infrastructure over above-ground. 
• Prioritize neighborhoods that are more than 75 years old. 

When making infrastructure investments, the more you can let a neighborhood assessment of urgent needs guide your priorities, the more effective your efforts will be. Ground yourself in your people and places. The less time you spend chasing the shiny object or projecting theoretical new growth opportunities, the more likely your investments will help the community prosper.

BEER WITH A SOCIALIST: What is a "bar" and what is not; who can open now, and who must wait?

The Frozen Weenie Chronicles of 2014.

Last week my friend Jeff at Riverside Cigars/Match Cigar Bar in Jeffersonville posted a conundrum at this Facebook page.

So, Governor Holcolm says:

Restaurants and bars that serve food may open (on May 11) at 50% capacity with operational limitations. Bar seating will be closed with no live entertainment. Servers and kitchen staff must wear face coverings

But ATC (Alcohol & Tobacco Commission) says:

A business that merely meets the minimum food requirements outlined in 905 IAC 1-20-1 of having hot soups, hot sandwiches, coffee, soft drinks, and milk available does not qualify to open for on-premises sales during stage 2.

So, I have a question. Since when does "meeting requirements" mean one "does not qualify"? Their words, not mine!

The answer: Whenever the ATC says it does -- or doesn't.

However, in fairness to the ATC, if making sense of the laws handed by legislators to the agency is confusing during non-pandemic times, it can only be more impenetrable when some rules have been suspended, others have not, and there exists no real road map for wandering through the maze.

According to the governor's Back on Track economic reopening plan, bars without full food service cannot reopen until Stage 4, which lands on June 14th.

The ATC's official clarification can be found here.

May 8, 2020: Frequently Asked Questions on EO 20-26, Roadmap to Reopen Indiana

1. What is a “bar area”? The bar area for the purposes of Executive order 20-26 is the counter over which drinks are served. During Stage 2, this area should be for employees only. Chairs should be removed or marked as unavailable. Ordering, serving, and consuming food and drinks for on-premises consumption is prohibited in this area. To the extent that this area is being used for ordering and serving of carryout food orders, a business may continue to do this while following the CDC guidelines.
2. What is a bar or tavern that must remain closed under Paragraph 10. e. during Stage 2? A bar or tavern is a premises that prohibits the entry of anyone under the age of twenty-one and is not in the business of providing in-person full dining service. A business that merely meets the minimum food requirements outlined in 905 IAC 1-20-1 of having hot soups, hot sandwiches, coffee, soft drinks, and milk available does not qualify to open for on-premises sales during stage 2.
3. Can a retail restaurant permittee that is limited to customers twenty-one and over allow on-premises dining during Stage 2 at 50% capacity and following other social distancing and sanitation measures? Yes. The bar area must remain closed and the business must provide in-person full dinging service. A business that merely meets the minimum food requirements outlined in 905 IAC 1-20-1 of having hot soups, hot sandwiches, coffee, soft drinks, and milk available does not qualify to open for on-premises sales during stage 2.

It's clear enough to me. Bars not normally engaged in food service on-premise cannot reopen until June 14, and the ATC isn't allowing the frozen weenie dorm fridge or even a food truck to alleviate this interpretation.

My personal view is that all these reopenings are happening too soon, but no one asked me. However, if it's to be now, then it needs to be consistent. My former brewers' guild board mate Shane Pearson (Daredevil Brewing) said it best, encapsulating his viewpoint as well as mine:

"Some of this deciding what is in which stage seems random or just not trusting people to do the right thing. If you have social distancing then most retail businesses should be able to open at the same pace. Lots of room for people to stay under the radar. I've got no issue if they maintain social distancing & other requirements."

LIVE TO EAT: 50% of Indiana goes first. Getting your queue on, or keeping to the curbside?

Habana Blues.

These past few days I've been reminded of forgotten topics in history, as in the late 1980s, when those in the profession of analyzing Eastern Europe commonly debated what would happen if communism ever fell.

Essentially: We already know how to transform a capitalist economy into a communist one. But we don't know how it's done the other way around. 

Similarly, today is RO Day, the grand reopening for Indiana's restaurateurs. If food service operators so desire, they may place 50% of your ass in a seat and begin the process of implementing a new normality, subject to a great many mandates and restrictions, few of which will be clear to anyone -- operator or customer -- until doors actually are unlocked.

ON THE AVENUES: COVID tolls for thee -- whatever, so hurry up and get your ass back into this seat.

It is my personal belief that this reopening process is coming too soon in terms of public health, and inescapably, there'll be a social/political/cultural aspect to it which stands to be divisive -- although it might be plausibly argued that American society already is divided and wasn't about to come any closer together, pandemic or not, in an election year.

I continue to marvel at the results of The Fat Lamb's informal polling over the weekend at Facebook, in which the Louisville eatery asked its customers how they felt about a possible return to on-premise dining, as opposed to the curbside carryout regimen that has evolved over the past two months.

The result was not unexpected, but the veritable landslide came as a great surprise, even to me; the last time I looked, the score was approximately 145 in favor of continued curbside (with little or no likelihood of coming inside), and four, maybe five preferring to be seated again at a table. But even they expressed a cheerful willingness to continue take-aways if so ordained.

Treading lightly, I can imagine the results at a typical sports bar -- say, Hoopsters in Jeffersonville -- being slightly different, perhaps even 145 - 5 in favor of re-entry.

Not being critical, mind you; the choice to reopen or not is theirs, although you have to wonder what's going to be showing on the televisions at area sports bars.

Tiddliwinks?

I put together a pants-down survey at Food & Dining Magazine, listing restaurants intending to reopen this week, and some that aren't. Clearly, there is a division of opinion among owners and operators. It's to be expected. They're all different people, with different stories and personalities.

The food and drink industry plainly is divided, though not yet acrimoniously so. No one knows exactly how this reopening will play out, and beginning today, an experiment will begin yielding demonstrable results, which will inform further measures.

Individual conscience plays a role in all our lives, decisions and actions. We've arrived at one of those points in history, hopefully not to be forgotten, where individual conscience is of paramount importance, even more so than usual.

Here's the article. You'll have to click through to see the names of the restaurants.

Now or later? Reopening Southern Indiana restaurants — or not yet

Today is Monday, May 11. Indiana restaurants may reopen at 50% capacity, and the Indiana Restaurant and Lodging Association has released these guidelines for them, as outlined in the organization’s “Hoosier Hospitality Promise” and published at the Indianapolis Star.

Here’s what you can expect:

• All staff, including in the kitchen, will wear masks.
• All staff will pass a health check or complete a health survey prior to each shift.
• Hand sanitation stations will be available upon entry and exit from restaurants.
• All tables, chairs and common areas will be cleaned regularly.
• Menus and condiments will be single-use. Utensils will either be single-use or cleaned after every use.
• Each restaurant will have a designated employee to oversee safety and sanitation measures.
• Bar seating will be closed, with no live entertainment.
• Tables will be limited to 10 or fewer guests.
• Physical barriers will be used to separate tables, booths and bar stools.
• Communal serving areas such as buffets will be closed.

If patrons have been exposed to COVID-19 or have symptoms, they are asked to not dine in restaurants and order takeout instead. Restaurants will be limited to 50% capacity until June 14, at which time they will increase to 75% capacity. According Indiana’s plan, restaurants will be able to operate at full patron capacity beginning July 4. Bars will be closed until June 14 and will be able to operate at full capacity on July 4, pending continued positive trends.

Following in no particular order is a non-comprehensive seat-of-the-pants survey of independently owned establishments in Southern Indiana that have commented publicly about their reopening plans in the run-up to May 11.

I exchanged messages with a few of the owners, and otherwise gleaned information from their social media posts and local news reports. Even if not explicitly stated, it is reasonable to assume that all these restaurants will continue their curbside carryout and delivery programs during the coming weeks, but of course there is no substitute for contacting them directly to be sure.

Finally, to repeat, this is a survey; if your business has been omitted from either list, just e-mail me and I’ll update: foodanddiningmagazine@gmail.com

With independent small businesses at risk, no use looking to a panic-stricken City Hall for help.

Always remember -- and never forget -- that in the case of New Albany, even if we're able to struggle back to our feet at any point this year, INDOT is waiting to cave our skulls in a second time with years upon years of Sherman Minton Bridge traffic dislocation.

As the mayor's captive council lackeys only now begin to fathom that they'll be the ones to take the fall for budget catastrophes in the wake of COVID, freeing Jeff Gahan to continue his own hallowed tradition of narcissistic pay-to-play campaign finance monetizing, it's clear that a Democratic-controlled legislative body will be of little help during the coming hard times.

Urban Enterprise Association? It's been annexed and gutted, existing only symbolically.

Develop New Albany? It's theoretically possible, although the organization's umbrella will have to get much bigger and its sad ongoing dependence on Gahan's political needs accordingly smaller.

City Hall as presently configured possesses no experience in dealing with a crisis. The rest of us will have to figure it out ourselves, and DNA needs to be a part of this solution. Exactly how is yet to be seen.

The Hyperlocal Support Small Businesses Need to Recover, by Patrice Frey (Governing)

It may be tempting, in coping with revenue losses brought on by the pandemic, for governments to reduce funding for community economic-development organizations, but it would be short-sighted.

With the recent replenishment of the Paycheck Protection Program, Congress and the Trump administration hope to avert a massive and catastrophic closure of small businesses amid the economic devastation of the COVID-19 crisis. But while the additional funds for the PPP are desperately needed, a successful rebound will require more than a one-time infusion of cash.

State and local elected officials will soon find that they are the next — and last — line of defense in protecting their communities (and tax rolls) from a failure of small businesses at a scale unlike any ever seen in this country. A recent study by our organization found that as many as 7.5 million small businesses are at risk in the coming months, especially those employing fewer than 20 people.

These businesses urgently need hyperlocal support systems that link businesses to resources that will aid them through the next 18 to 24 months. Fortunately, such support systems already exist in thousands of cities and neighborhoods across the country in the form of Main Street Programs, Business Improvement District associations and other kinds of downtown organizations. The local economic-development leaders who head these organizations are typically well known in their communities as trusted sources of information and as "connectors" to business support resources. They are also extremely knowledgeable about their communities' business environments and the local "players," which is invaluable in helping to broker creative solutions to get businesses through challenging times ahead.

And creative solutions will be in high demand. Small-businesses that survive stay-at-home orders, whether aided by the PPP or not, face a long and difficult recovery. Dramatic unemployment figures suggest that many Americans simply won't have the spending power they did before the crisis. Even where consumers are able to spend, their behavior is unlikely to return to pre-pandemic norms anytime soon. After stay-at-home orders are lifted, residual concerns regarding coronavirus transmission are likely to slow the recovery of the restaurants and retail and service businesses that are the heart of communities.

Business owners are likely to encounter a confusing patchwork of local, state, federal and philanthropic funding sources, and they are going to need help identifying suitable programs and navigating often-cumbersome application processes. They will also need advocates in their corner to work with property owners and negotiate lower or deferred rents, and they'll need assistance, where feasible, in transitioning some of their business to e-commerce. On this latter point, our research indicates that approximately two-thirds of small businesses have no online presence, a troubling figure given that online sales are likely to be a lifeline in the coming months.

The risk as state and local leaders look to trim budgets in the coming weeks and months is that they will cut any program that is not directly tied to health, human services and education. We've seen this before, post-Great Recession, when governments reduced or eliminated dollars for local business-support efforts. Such moves are short-sighted and have painful consequences, largely in the form of lost jobs and reductions to state and local revenue from taxes and fees. Ultimately, elected officials in many places elected to restart these programs, acknowledging that aid to local economic-development programs has a return on investment that far exceeds their cost.

In coming budget negotiations, elected officials will be wise to recognize that they are playing the long game in bringing their communities back from COVID-19. We can coax that recovery to a faster and stronger outcome if we can keep the focus of our support as hyperlocal as possible and if we can maintain the connector organizations that help small business on the ground, community by community. Ultimately, modest expenditures to support local economic-development organizations now will deliver a healthier and more stable tax base in the months and years to come.

Bunker Deep -- Experiment Nigh.

There's a consistent feature of recent news stories and commentaries about the approaching economic reopening, and the different ways Indiana and Kentucky are treating the timing of these steps.

It's the absence from this discussion of New Albany's mayor.

When Jeff Gahan deigned to speak with WDRB last week, he said basically nothing.

“We are probably a little behind the governor’s directive to hit some of these benchmarks – we’re glad we have them but we are going to be very cautious how we move forward,” said New Albany Mayor Jeff Gahan.

Gahan believes it’s hard to make a blanket statement applying to an entire state, especially with positive COVID-19 cases varying. “It is going to differ from municipality and county to county it’s just the nature of it,” he said.

Granted, we're accustomed to cerebral nothingness from ranking Democrats in Nawbany. It's peculiar, though.

If genuinely taken with the belief that reopening is occurring too soon, Gahan might embrace more stringent municipal measures than the false positive PR move of closing his beloved water park; after all, Governor Holcomb has consistently stated that local authorities can choose tighter counter-timetables if they wish.

For a mayor ever eager to grapple with the detested Republicans, it's odd.

Is it that his cadre of campaign donors need to get back to work and keep those pay-to-play coffers filled?

Probably.

Meanwhile, LEO Weekly has an opinion on the matter.

Indiana, Kentucky govs at odds over reopening economy… or when dining out becomes an experiment

So, on Monday, when you think about sitting down for a taco in Southern Indiana, consider whether it is worth the gamble, whether you want to be part of an enormous experiment… and whether you trust art and science to keep you well.

ON THE AVENUES: COVID tolls for thee -- whatever, so hurry and get your ass back into this seat.

“Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.”
-- John Donne

Wearing a mask doesn’t make you smart, it makes you a slave to oppression from draconian leaders. Wake up! #NoMasks
-- guy on Twitter ... or was it Facebook?

Put asses in seats, people!

We need to pack this place every night, or it’s gonna be curtains for us. What sort of event, concert or promotion can we plan to get this joint filled?

And people, we gotta upsell!

Once our customers are crammed together tight enough to get the fire marshal’s antennae quivering, they need to be so very damn happy that they spend an extra buck or three -- have another shot, eat some fries, buy a t-shirt.

Why? Margins, dummy. They’re so tight that we’re already hand to mouth, and any extra bit helps -- besides, there’ll be more tips for you.

Mind you, don’t do anything illegal.

But get some asses in seats, people!

---

There can be no doubt: COVID-19 has mercilessly exposed the majority of America’s socio-economic fault lines. While the restaurant and bar business has been devastated by containment measures, at least numerous overdue discussions finally are taking place about topics like sustainability, pay rates, pricing, supply chains and a host of other matters previously acknowledged but generally deferred substantively.

This being said, the single most jarring piece of evolving reality for those of us with careers in the restaurant and bar business has been the need to think differently about those asses in seats.

Our careers have been predicated on getting large crowds of people through the door, into the building (or out on the patio, into the garden, and so on). Asses in seats translate into profits, and of course those are required, even for the most reluctant of capitalists like me.

Yet there’s more to it than that. It’s not about the money alone. Rather, it’s also the energy, the vibe and the adrenalin. There’s a place for a quiet date by candlelight -- and places where the pulsating scrum is the whole point, when you squeeze into that last available seat and let yourself be carried away by the proximity of other human beings.

Sure, there’ve always been potential customers scared off by a restaurant or bar operating at cheek to jowl capacity, but far more of us have tended toward judgments to the contrary, thinking to ourselves that a deserted eatery might not be very good to begin with.

As a server or slinger of beers, being in the weeds can be horrible; it’s been quite a while since my own time regularly spent bartending and waiting tables, yet the literal nightmares about not being able to catch up with orders still consistently plague me.

Conversely, there’s nothing like the feeling of accomplishment when the staff just plain rocks a full house. It’s better than sports, if not sex.

Notwithstanding early bartending and package store gigs, I gravitated to the restaurant business later than most, at around the age of 30. What I came to like about it was the immediacy and relatively instant gratification. Serving folks on premise, you usually knew whether they enjoyed the experience or didn’t.

It wasn’t like a sales job where days or weeks might pass before you know the deal has been sealed. Of course, those were the times before poison pen anti-social media reviews and the all-purpose tomfoolery of the internet. Folks ordered food and drink, ate, drank and paid.

Usually you could tell if they were satisfied with it. They’d tip well, we’d thank each other, and most of the time we’d see them again.

Alas, it hasn’t been that simple for a good while, although one fact is crystal clear: for the foreseeable future, the marketing situation for the dine-in food and drink segment has been flipped on its head as humanity grapples with a novel virus.

These days we can put only 25%, 33% or 50% of your ass in a seat -- spaced, masked, sanitized and hygienically sealed from the other half- or quarter-ass located socially distant from you.

It’s not the same, and I’m anguished, but in spite of this overwhelming feeling of loss, I’ve mourned long enough. Intellectual honesty demands principle, not blinders, whether it's surveying local politics or fathoming a pandemic.

COVID is very real. It’s dangerous. It’s not a coin toss conspiracy touted by dimwitted dupes, and by the way, if you’re buying into that "viral" Plandemic video, unfriend me now, because I must question your sanity.

In my view, the economic reopening is coming too soon, whether in Indiana or Kentucky. As attorney/educator Joe Dunman remarked at Twitter, “This is all going to end up being the biggest disaster capitalism boondoggle in the history of disaster capitalism.”

Yes, it is my fervent wish to awaken tomorrow to a one-off, shot on the dark miracle, one that means we can go back to putting the entirety of your ass in a seat.

Except I’m not a fantasist.

Some sweet day we might get back to a semblance of the joy, pain, revelry and aching feet that characterized my life’s work as it worked it earlier in my life, right up until March of 2020.

It may well be the case that the food and drink business survives, but moving forward exactly the way we were?

Nope. That’s gone. Let’s bury it and create something new. It’s really the only choice, because whether we want to admit it or not, everyone isn’t coming “back” to the future.

The question: Who will?

---

I say this not because it pleases me. Facts are facts, and people are people; at times the facts elude the people, and at different times it’s the other way around.

Next week, subject to “distanced” terms of engagements, those restaurants in Indiana that so choose may reopen to the public. Kentucky follows shortly thereafter.

Some places will reopen. Others won’t, at least yet. Bars are supposed to be shuttered for a few more weeks in both Indiana and Kentucky, with the key consideration in these establishments being the presence of food … and the persistence of the prohibitionistic impulse in government.

(As an aside, for those bars in Indiana cannily contemplating the ploy of using their statutorily required frozen weenies, cup o’ soup, dehydrated milk and instant coffee as “food” in order to reopen, be aware that the Alcohol & Tobacco Commission already has publicly frowned on it.)

Given the limitations of on-premise patronage imposed by the state as a prerequisite to begin again, most observers are focusing on numbers: will restaurant economics even allow profitability if -- yes -- all those seats can’t be filled with asses?

I’ve been thinking about it differently. For me, it’s attitudinal as much as numerical. Next week, when the doors at certain eateries are unlocked, who will their customers likely be?

If we’re to believe the piquant graffiti adorning the blue state, red state anti-social media silos, two points of view already are selected, divided and entrenched.

One is made up of the clamorous COVID doubters, who haven’t believed the epidemiologists from the start -- never conceded the need for social distancing, or stay-at-home orders, or mask-wearing as a simple courtesy to others, or hand washing. Simply stated, they can’t wait to pick up precisely where they left off on St. Patrick’s Day Eve.

The other camp is populated primarily by those who’ve chosen to trust modern medical science on COVID, accepting the need to flatten the curve now as well as expressing a willingness to modify future behaviors until testing, treatment and vaccinations make headway against COVID. They’ll be doing curbside pickup for quite some time to come.

In my view, these two pandemic-driven polar opposites are absolutely real. But I also see the existence of a middle ground. It might not be a majority, just a sizable minority: Americans who believe the science, are willing to be cautious, and also would like to ease their own asses back into regular seats at their favored haunts to enjoy a meal.

I think they’ll be waiting and watching to see how the reopening goes, and their perception of the outcome will go a long way toward determining the extent of their participation in the reopening.

As such, what’s in store?

---

If there exists one sizable group of potential diners who’ll refrain from returning to on-premise restaurants owing to an excess of caution, and another segment that might be willing to leave the house, although surely not in droves from the outset, can we assume that the bulk of patrons returning during the first few weeks of renewed operations will be those same COVID doubters who’ve been flashing their #NoMasks memes and protesting on behalf of their right to pretend that nothing ever happened?

And, if so, isn’t it perfectly reasonable -- if horribly disconcerting -- to assume that this contingent of COVID deniers taken to emitting primal screams of eternal hostility against matters of pandemic protocol, probably will be openly and aggressively manifesting their feelings as they reappear in restaurants?

(They've taken to saying “my body my choice,” an odd sentiment for folks who also are anti-abortionists, but okay. Americans always struggle with logic.) 

How conducive will the “it’s just the flu, libtard” crowd be to the restrictions embraced by restaurateurs in terms of capacity and spacing -- not to mention masks and an absence of bar stools?

How cooperative will they be with modes of conduct they’ve spent the past months violently denouncing?

I can hear it loud and clear.

“Whaddya mean, you don’t want all 20 of our asses to come inside, be seated and spend money? Isn’t our money GOOD enough for you? Why are you letting the guvmint tell you what to do? It’s a plan-damn-demic, anyway. Now are you gonna seat us, or what?”

If rejected, will they smirk, sulk and slither away … to the other establishment down the street with fewer scruples about covidiocy, and a willingness (understandably, perhaps from financial desperation) to bend these recommendations?

In perfect candor, I hope I’m wrong. Unlike the mayor of New Albany, if I’m proven wrong then I’ll take my medicine and admit it publicly.

However, based on the current level of antebellum degradation, the likeliest outcome for the first weeks of restaurant reopening will be shrill scenes repeated in the upholstered booths of eateries and atop their tables, riotous tableaux eerily similar to the dunderheaded drone-bot triumphalism of Trump rallies, accompanied by a determined pushing of FOX news envelopes and a mass flaunting of whatever safety guidelines strike "down with science" diners as disposable.

By the way, the first party of 46 asses has arrived, and they're waiting to be placed in seats. They'd like to bring their flags inside.

I almost forgot -- we also heard from the McMichaels, and well, unfortunately they had to cancel their reservation. Something about an unexpected reckoning, but at least their asses have seats ... in a courtroom somewhere.

---

Recent columns:

April 30: ON THE AVENUES: A week that was wooden like Pinocchio and dry as an unused water park or an unfilled glass.

April 23: ON THE AVENUES: Hemingway in a time of mercifully silent thunder.

April 16: ON THE AVENUES: Bunker mentalities, bunker abnormalities; bunker dreams, bunker screams.

April 9: ON THE AVENUES: #VoteEwwNoMatterWho, or when being realistic means being radical.