ON THE AVENUES 3-PK, PART TWO: Inkem binkem notamus rex, protect us all from the city (still) with the hex (2014).

ON THE AVENUES 3-PK, PART TWO: Inkem binkem notamus rex, protect us all from the city (still) with the hex (2014).

A weekly column by Roger A. Baylor.

Back in April, 2014, there was a precursor to the current unpleasantness. Doug England's bizarre plan to hand the mayor's office to Irv Stumler had ignominiously failed, and now Jeff Gahan was poised to interfere with Irv's municipal flowery ashtrays. There was a bad moon rising, and so most of us did the sensible thing and just stayed drunk.

---

"You know what I think I'm going to do? I'm going to go home, have me a little nap, and then go on over to Thelma Lou's and watch a little TV. Yeah, I believe that's what I'll do. Home. A nap. Then over to Thelma Lou's for TV. Yep, that's the plan. Home. Little nap.”
-- Barney Fife (The Andy Griffith Show)

Absurdity describes a quality of harebrained preposterousness, and arguably, it is rooted in real-world empirical judgments. Surrealism embraces a more unearthly, dreamlike weirdness of the sort that emanates from Colorado now that marijuana is legal there.

So, was Tuesday afternoon in New Albany merely absurd, or did it ascend to the rarified level of surreal?

Or both?

To even begin making a determination, one must parse a few pansies. It was only a few weeks ago that volunteers under the aegis of Keep New Albany Clean and Green were out and about, tidying the flower planters placed in recent years by the organization on downtown street corners.

Full disclosure dictates personal honesty: I’ve had plenty of issues with the planters, even as I appreciate and respect the good intentions of the organization. In the first place, the planters have tended to look like (and be used as) ashtrays. Moreover, as an ambulatory adult who walks downtown on a daily basis, I’ve found it annoying to be forced to reach an arm’s length over the planters to click the street crossing button.

What’s more, it has been obvious to many (apart from Clean and Green itself), and for quite some time, that those among us most in need of a signal’s assistance in crossing New Albany’s almost entirely unregulated streets – namely those in wheelchairs, the handicapped, the elderly and children – were being more than merely inconvenienced by the positioning of the planters, at least some of which effectively blocked any reasonable ease of use.

I’ve mentioned it, both to Clean and Green and city officials, and have found little evident traction, generally being looked at (yet again) as a space alien, primarily because there isn’t a single member of either city government or Clean and Green who has even the slightest grasp of the theory and practice of walkability, and as one might expect, even fewer are willing to learn.

But I digress.

For weeks, and perhaps even months, Clean and Green has petitioned the Board of Public Works to grant it permission to place even more of these saucer-like planters downtown, and the board has continually dragged its feet, pleading for more time to amass the single item most often missing from the collective hard drives of city officials – namely, crucial information.

Apparently Tuesday was the time of denouement, during which the needed information abruptly materialized, and a conclusion finally was reached: Not only was Clean and Green precluded from expanding the planter program, but the planters currently in use would have to go, lock, stock and petunia.

Thus ensued a textbook illustration of the city’s innate, enduring, politicized dysfunction; with any semblance of compromise yanked inelegantly from the table, a Keystone Kops movie abruptly broke out, the city moving with uncommon, absurd and perhaps even surreal speed to remove the offending planters, while Clean and Green’s own volunteers were racing just as quickly to move their dirt bowls out of the way, or collect them altogether, before the other side got to them first.

That’s right. They’re adults … at least in a chronological sense.

Predictably, the city has since re-circled its wagons and imposed the usual embargo on clear rationales and public explanations, and of course, Clean and Green has taken to the Court of Facebook to decry the death of private-public partnerships – except in truth, the organization’s work has never been a public-private partnership in any coherent, readily transparent way.

Because that’s not the way we do things New Mayberry.

---

Rather, the “partnership” dates (what slipshod stop-gap mechanism doesn’t?) from England Doug and Carl Ford Maalox’s calculated electoral jury-rigging in 2010/11, back when Irv Stumler was declared overnight to be Hizzoner’s anointed successor.

With the Urban Enterprise Association’s till set for emptying, Stumler’s Clean and Green would then function as a source of elder-think beautification monies that the dynamic duo couldn’t or wouldn’t find elsewhere.

Meanwhile, the current Gahan administration, which seems to believe (how would we ever know for sure?) that the only way to think outside a self-imposed economic development box and actually do something (anything) to incentivize entrepreneurial activities downtown is to convince the Horseshoe Foundation to give away millions of dollars for use in a county that rejected the casino – not once, but twice – has decided to seize upon the street corner planters to publicly humiliate Clean and Green, a prime mover of which is Jerry Finn … who has his hand on the Horseshoe spigot.

Talk about winning friends and influencing people … so why bother writing fiction when reality keeps handing you pre-written comic opera scripts?

In other cities, there are economic plans, creativity and empowerment. People read books, and parking ordinances are enforced uniformly. Vital improvements occur without deforestation, and farmers markets somehow operate successfully atop the asphalt of parking lots.

But in New Albany, we rerun old Andy Griffith episodes on imaginary Bicentennial Park drive-in screens, dating from the collective childhood of a leadership caste that imagines itself comfortably ensconced in Floyd’s familiarly comfy chair, with sideburns trimmed and tonic dutifully splashed, and as such, Deputy Fife said it best -- and he never even lived here.

All I'm saying is that there are some things beyond the ken of mortal man that shouldn't be tampered with. We don't know everything, Andy. There's plenty going on right now in the Twilight Zone that we don't know anything about and I think we ought to stay clear.

Jeff Speck has no idea what he’s gotten himself into, does he?

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September 29: ON THE AVENUES 3-PK, PART ONE: Chocolate covered frozen banana republic, or "understanding" Harvest Homecoming, our peculiar institution (2014).

September 22: ON THE AVENUES: On two-way streets, a modest proposal for the consideration of my disoriented one-way counterpart.

September 15: ON THE AVENUES Now for my next amazing conversion trick (KABOOM!!!) – look at those pretty windows on Schmitt Furniture.

September 8: ON THE AVENUES: It no longer keeps me waiting.

We measure in inches: ADA sidewalk requirements are crucial, unless we don't bother enforcing them.

Board of Public Works and Safety, 03-29-16.

As a preface to what follows, see the photo above. Parking on the sidewalk on this one block is an everyday occurrence, and has been for years. Not weeks or months, years.

Now, read about the critical importance of ADA access requirements.

To Feast's credit, restaurant staff comes to the Bored of Works and Frivolity seeking permission to have outdoor seating. City engineer Summers offers a stern lecture about width of passage. The request is approved. Meanwhile, four blocks away ...

Another downtown merchant takes the initiative to come before the Bored, this time with reference to a sign. Once again, Summers specifies requirements to the inch.

Approval is granted. Meanwhile, four blocks away ...

Hell, over on Cherry Street, where Jeff Gahan's phantom street "calming" measures are about as well known as the Bulgarian Women's Choir  songbook, we're actually issuing tickets for cars parking on the sidewalk in self-defense.

Meanwhile, over on 3rd Street ...

Dude: Does Charles Jones have the nude photos hidden somewhere, or what?

Them bats in Pinocchio Rosenbarger's belfry: BOW talks Greenway, and a night on Bald Mountain.

For your listening and dancing pleasure, a selection of waltzes from last week's (March 29) Bored of Works meeting.

Once again we're reminded that even though it is to be a "greenway" for walkers and bicyclists, there'll be some manner of "limited" automotive access, perhaps akin to the Spring Street Interstate, and to make room for a roadway necessary for cars, even if narrowed, we'll have to remove 109 trees.

And in removing 109 healthy trees, we'll have to do it right now --STAT -- without asking Mr. Naps' permission, because if not, the bats will begin nesting.

Now, we might actually go to the tree board, and we might consult the arborist, but since the project was approved a long time ago, what possible good would that do?

Can someone explain why there even is such a thing as a tree board if it isn't to be informed of such matters?

Of course, we must inform Mr. Naps first -- then the tree board. After all, the tree board never served as Democratic Party chairman.

Rosenbarger's last brilliant road calming success was the catastrophic (for the street) Main Street Beautification Project, which runs past his house, ruins the roadway, and yet enhances his own property values. He casually reveals that yes, the Greenway route for humans will be open for cars, and we'll put a few pull-overs in to help keep things calm -- nudge nudge, wink wink.

It's how you keep your job, long after the thrill of performance is gone.

Finally, worn down by minutes of ineffectual questioning, Rosenbarger speaks something approximating actual truth. He'd have informed the board sooner about the need to clear-cut those 109 trees, but then things dragged too far along owing to his department's historic, sloth-like vigor, at which point it became necessary to move very quickly ... to capture the money.

And you wonder why 5th Street was paved (gotcha, overpaid lawyer) before being destroyed by Break Wind construction.

Heck, boy, we'd have lost the money -- and how the hell is the paver going to kick back some campaign finance if he doesn't pave?

Then, there's the (now) bald knob behind the church on State Street.

Ever the straight man, Mr. Naps asks: Are they allowed to cut like that?

Planning Department replies: We'll have to check on it.

If they're not allowed, I'd like to see Rosenbarger on a tractor, reattaching all the trees that already have been cut, like toothpicks protruding from a long overdue forced retirement cake.

Dog daze: With Gahan back in the safe house, civilian architect Timperman now is the city's official spokesman.

You just knew there had to be a catch -- and I don't mean dogs playing Frisbee.

When Mayor Jeff Gahan donned his standard issue suit and tie for an uncharacteristic public appearance at Cannon Acres with WDRB's Gil Corsey, actually speaking on behalf of his own administration without the usual sycophants and intermediaries for protective filtration,

"Right now the last thing we'd want to do is be disrespectful to anyone," Gahan said.

Amid instantaneous and contagious community-wide laughter, it was only a matter of milliseconds until chief handler Adam Disney speed-dialed Gahan to remind the mayor that the only way he can refrain from disrespect is to remain safely ensconced in the down-low bunker.

In the emergency meeting that followed, you can almost see them looking around the room ... so, who can we use?

Hall? He already does council meetings.

Duggins? No, he's got deputy mayor shit to do, and anyway, television cameras bring out the dollar sign tattoos a bit too vividly.

Thompson? Absolutely not. He might tell the truth.

(Disney's iPad begins to glow with inspiration)

Timperman? Ah, now there's an idea. He's got more credentials than Bono Road has potholes.  Perfect. Get him out there now ...

Petition circulates after concerns over New Albany dog park location (WAVE-3)

... "If the state archeologist wanted to come down here and check again, that’s fine with me, because I don’t have any dog in this fight and I think that the city has tried very hard to comply with the state’s requirements," Timperman said.

Today's coda:

Remember when fans of the New Albany farmers market were led to believe that the market was going to be moved to the parking garage?

Of course, they were misled, and it was pure stage-managed hokum, but at least it showed there actually were fans of the farmers market.

Fast forward to the past week's dog park controversy. Zealous advocates of the dog park now are deluging social media with their support for ... dogs... wait. No, they're not. Outside of city workers and the mayor's family (is that a redundancy?), there isn't any support for a dog park.

None.

Zilch.

Nada.

Yet again, we ask: Why is money being spent on this -- Native American site or not?

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Previously at NAC:

SHANE'S EXCELLENT NEW WORDS: Autodidact -- and how David Duggins denigrates one of them amid Team Gahan's zeal for a dog park.

One week later, the newspaper reluctantly diverts its attention from cooking school and learns that "park site in New Albany draws concerns."

In unprecedented act of territorial pissing, outraged dogs gather to protest Native Americans.

Belatedly addressing the Cannon Acres dog park fiasco, Mayor Gahan insists he watched "Dances with Wolves" on the VCR over the weekend.

Tony Nava on WDRB: "Would we want to use a church grounds as a dog park?"

4:00 p.m. today: Citizens trying to save a Native American church from being used as an inappropriate and unnecessary dog park.

Commentary: Amid quintessential City Hall arrogance, a petition to "save the Cannon Acres Native American site."

Dog crap on a sacred area: Jeff Gahan moves timeline forward, with the desecration of a 3,000-6,000 Native American site to begin Monday.

An AWOL Jeff Gahan evades Native American activist seeking dialogue about potential site destruction at the dog park.

The city of New Albany may soon try to destroy a 3,000 to 6,000 year old Native American site to build a dog park.

SHANE'S EXCELLENT NEW WORDS: Autodidact -- and how David Duggins denigrates one of them amid Team Gahan's zeal for a dog park.

Welcome to another installment of SHANE'S EXCELLENT NEW WORDS, a regular Wednesday feature at NA Confidential.

But why new words? Why not the old, familiar, comforting words?

It's because a healthy vocabulary isn't about trying to show rental property owners you're smarter than them. To the contrary, it's about selecting the right word and using it correctly, whatever one's pay grade or station in life.

Even municipal corporate attorneys are eligible for this enlightening expansion of personal horizons, and really, for those of us watching as every tree in town is transformed into firewood, all we really have is time on our hands -- moments enough for us to learn something.

This week, a different approach.

Autodidact (aw-toe-DIE-dakt) is a fancy Greek word meaning “self-taught.” Simply stated, an autodidact has gathered knowledge without the benefit of formal or specialized education.

Perhaps the most celebrated example of an autodidact is Leonardo Da Vinci. We now refer to him as a “Renaissance man,” because this term implies expertise in multiple areas of the human experience. In Leonardo’s case, he excelled at painting, sculpting, engineering, architecture, music, geology and astronomy. This list is by no means comprehensive.

A more recent pop culture exemplar is Jeff “Skunk” Baxter, guitar virtuoso and a former member of Steely Dan and the Doobie Brothers. You may not know that Baxter also has worked for many years as a respected consultant to the US Department of Defense on the topic of ballistic missile defense, of which he is entirely self-taught.

Autodidact is a concept of respect, or at least it should be, except that this is New Albany.

At Tuesday’s weekly meeting of the New Albany Board of Public Works and Safety, economic development director David Duggins introduced Larry Timperman. He is a local architect, and the designer of the controversial dog park to be installed at Cannon Acres.

Links to previous coverage here.

Last week local Native American activists, most notably Tony Nava, became aware of these plans and protested. Their objections are ongoing. So are is the city's plan to begin construction.

More than a decade ago, when proposals for this acreage were first made, archaeological studies were commissioned and conducted. Nava believes that these previous studies were not sufficiently comprehensive, and in any event, a further phase should be conducted prior to the dog park’s construction.

To speak with Nava about Native American history and culture is to understand that what he might lack in academic credentials, he has learned through self-motivation and study.

That's an autodidact.

Larry Timperman is quiet and personable. He exudes stolid competence. As the dog park protest crescendo began to rise last week, he quickly was chosen by Team Gahan to serve as its public shield, i.e., the soft-spoken and apolitical architect and planner whose very presence aims at diverting the discussion from the forever troublesome back corridor deal-making in which the mayor and Duggins select and reward builders, contractors and ancillaries.

Over the weekend, in an interview on WHAS, Timperman referred to the 2005 state archaeological survey, commenting that in situations like this one, trained planners always go with the most recent letter.

He fleshed out this comment at the Tuesday morning BOW meeting. According to the most recent letter from the Indiana state archaeologist (presumably, from 2005), the two previous surveys marked certain quadrants at Cannon Acres as the only ones likely to contain Native American artifacts. So long as the city builds around them -- no harm, no foul.

(Nava points out that these surveys were conveniently spaced to allow the soccer fields subsequently installed at Cannon Acres).

But to me, the most interesting aspect of Timperman’s presentation – and what returns us to autodidact – came only after he finished speaking.

Duggins rose and immediately asked Timperman to explain his professional background and credentials, which the architect was more than happy to do. Figuratively, Timperman modestly pulled his wallet from his back pocket and allowed the vinyl pouches containing degrees, certifications and endorsements to cascade like a Slinky, all the way to the floor.

The intent was unmistakable.

In a room 95% filled with mayoral appointees and functionaries, none of whom gives a damn about Native American anything, and all of whom want nothing more than to be spared the mayor’s 2:00 a.m. phone calls, Duggins was tossing bloody meat to the true believers, heaping scorn on Nava for the latter’s temerity in first trying to speak with the great and inaccessible Oz, then claiming knowledge as an autodidact.

Our deputy mayor-pretend had a point to make: It’s the nicely perfumed, well-remunerated, professionally recognized white man who should be trusted, not some crackpot activist who couldn’t possibly marshal facts without having first attended the right school – you know, like Silver Creek.

Throughout the shamelessness, Warren Nash played his familiar role of leering, biased enabler:

“Wow, Mr. Duggins, do you mean to say we’ve known all these things from the very start and exercised our stewardship with the sort of flawless aplomb that we’ve come to expect from our Dear Leader?”

Nava’s an autodidact. We should praise him, not denigrate him, but this clash was inevitable. From Gahan’s standpoint, comprehension of Native American culture is impossible precisely because it isn’t right there in front of him, like an aquatic center or Disney theme park. It’s a spiritual thing. It can’t be held in one’s hand, raffled or monetized for campaign finance.

You can keep your Philistines.

Give me the autodidact, any day.

---

Previously at NAC:

One week later, the newspaper reluctantly diverts its attention from cooking school and learns that "park site in New Albany draws concerns."

In unprecedented act of territorial pissing, outraged dogs gather to protest Native Americans.

Belatedly addressing the Cannon Acres dog park fiasco, Mayor Gahan insists he watched "Dances with Wolves" on the VCR over the weekend.

Tony Nava on WDRB: "Would we want to use a church grounds as a dog park?"

4:00 p.m. today: Citizens trying to save a Native American church from being used as an inappropriate and unnecessary dog park.

Commentary: Amid quintessential City Hall arrogance, a petition to "save the Cannon Acres Native American site."

Dog crap on a sacred area: Jeff Gahan moves timeline forward, with the desecration of a 3,000-6,000 Native American site to begin Monday.

An AWOL Jeff Gahan evades Native American activist seeking dialogue about potential site destruction at the dog park.

The city of New Albany may soon try to destroy a 3,000 to 6,000 year old Native American site to build a dog park.

View the new Special Event Permit Application for Bicentennial Park, City Square and the Riverfront Amphitheater.

The permit presumably is in draft form and will be rubber-stamped at this morning's Bored of Works meeting. It includes the new city seal that isn't, and contains this interesting paragraph.

While there is no fee for the use of our public parks, donations are accepted for the use of the City of New Albany Bicentennial Park and Riverfront Amphitheater. Contributions support a broad array of recreational activities for residents and visitor as well as helping to maintain our ever evolving park system. Donations made to New Albany parks and Recreation Department are tax deductible.

Why two of the three park units, and not City Square? The document's title includes all three, and the rules are directed at all three.

As this document seems to suggest that the parks department now operates Bicentennial Park and the Riverfront Amphitheater, City Square's omission is a head-scratcher, unless placing it under parks supervision would conflict with Develop New Albany's traditional "tail wags dog" hegemony over the farmers market.

Only the shadowy operatives in the back corridors of New Gahania know for sure.

City Hall's street grid surrender: "All the extra expense, time, and proposed iterations have nothing to do with securing federal funds."

Perhaps owing to the approach of the primary, hell has broken loose these past few days, and I'm struggling to keep up with the daily proliferation of reasons to vote against Jeff Gahan.

Just the other day, someone asked a very good question about the destructiveness of one-way, arterial interstate highways running through our urban neighborhoods, and by extension, about waning hope for the principled implementation of Jeff Speck's downtown street network proposals.

They (city government) have been talking about fixing this problem for quite a while! Why can't they get it done?

The Bookseller succinctly answered.

This administration has never taken ownership of the idea and will continue to straddle the issue, pretending that no one will notice that they have had four years to do this. Now they are ginning up a high-cost solution so as to spread the money around to preferred vendors.

The "high cost solution" of which the Bookseller speaks is discussed here: The predicted gutting of Speck begins as Mayor Jeff Gahan gives the finger to complete streets advocates.

Also, we now know that this week's Bored of Works decision to award a consultancy contract to one of the usual street engineering suspects, thus delaying action on streets for up to 18 months, was at least in part a pre-emptive response to Padgett, et al, in the crane erector's forthcoming legal challenge to the Main Street project.

(Once again, it has proven impossible for Team Gahan to be publicly truthful about its motivations v.v. street grid reform.)

It's probably moot, given that City Hall has botched the entire streets issue to a possibly irreparable degree, but nonetheless, prior to yesterday's revelation of the lawsuit filed against the city by our charmingly civic minded value-extractive looters, a question arose with regard to the stated Bored of Works rationale of delaying Speck so to garner federal lucre.

I am confused by the notion that we need more time and consultancy expenditures to get federal money. Haven't we been told privately for years that the federal money already was in place?

Jeff G gave the answer, pre-Padgett lawsuit.

Yes, we have been told that and it's long been reflected in the KIPDA budget. An engineering plan of some sort is likely necessary for federal qualification but nowhere near to the multi-option, stray-from-the-original extent they are talking about. All they actually need to do is produce engineering/construction plans for the Speck plan with minimal justification and environmental review, justification that Speck himself has already largely provided. All the extra expense, time, and proposed iterations have nothing to do with securing federal funds. 

Again, the recent Main Street example (that used federal funds over and above the state's long-term maintenance money) shoots them in the foot. Honestly, given the low cost of most of the Speck plan, it's questionable whether we even need federal funding as using it will require adhering to more stringent (and sometimes nonsensical) federal guidelines which, in turn, will drive costs up -- something that, again, happened with the Main Street Project.

The predicted gutting of Speck begins as Mayor Jeff Gahan gives the finger to complete streets advocates.

If you'd like to see complete streets on your lifetime, removing Jeff Gahan from office has become the sole option.

Firm hired to provide options for changing New Albany street grid, by Daniel Suddeath (News and Tribune)

NEW ALBANY — New Albany will likely take at least six more months to decide upon any changes to the street grid in downtown and the surrounding neighborhoods.

The New Albany Board of Public Works and Safety approved a contract Tuesday to hire the Scottsburg firm HWC Engineering. The firm will review planner Jeff Speck’s proposal for changing the street grid, as well as input received by the public during three meetings earlier this year, and provide three options for the city consider.

It’s expect the conceptual design will take at least six months to prepare. If the city elects to move forward with one of the options, the project engineering is estimated to take up to another year to prepare.

As Warren Naps, speeds like this kill an urban neighborhood.

72 mph on Spring Street at 6:20 p.m. on a Friday evening.

Granted, it was a stray hot rodder, and not the norm. It's the highest speed I've clocked yet. But note also that during a half hour of clocking traffic, there were a couple dozen speeds of 40 mph in what should by all rights be a 25 mph zone -- strike that, and change to this: On what should by all rights be a street engineered and designed for neighborhood safety, not speed of pass-throughs.

Shall we visit the Bored of Works on a weekly basis to demand renewed consciousness during an election year otherwise spent asleep? Jeff Gahan might remain cloistered, but the BOW cannot.

MORE REASONS TO SLOW DOWN, by Charles Marohn (Strong Towns)

Our urban streets will not be safe until we slow cars. We won't make a significant dent in slowing cars if our toolbox is a combination of signage, more enforcement and driver education. Those are all nice, but the primary hurdle we need to overcome is our propensity to over-engineer, to apply highway thinking to local streets.

One of my favorite writers at Streets.MN is Bill Lindeke. Last week had a fantastic article on the subtle, but critical, difference between a 30 mph speed and a 20 mph speed. He perfectly explains why stroads (the street/road combination) are not just a suburban phenomenon but are actually pervasive throughout urban neighborhoods ...

Warren, why did the Bored of Works scrap Speck on State Street?

On Tuesday, New Albany's unelected DemoDisneyDixiecratic Party annex, otherwise known as the Bored of Works, got started gutting Jeff Speck's downtown street network proposals, even as Mayor Jeff Gahan remained ensconced in his Down Low Bunker, endorsing PAC campaign checks from afar and exploring Adam's proposals to monetize the next prayer breakfast.

Specifically ...

The city has decided to scrap a portion of the Speck study that called for the establishment of a bicycle lane on State Street near Floyd Memorial Hospital and Health Services.

That's all we got from the newspaper, so it's left to our own JeffG to do the impossible as it pertains to local stenography, and ask a follow-up.

Excuse me Warren, would you like to give us an answer for a change -- or would doing so be a burden to the exercise of your rubber-stamp bureaucratic default settings?

---

A question here is what the Board of Works is proposing as an alternative bicycle corridor in that part of town, or are they just unilaterally declaring, sans any explanation, that bikes don't belong, that they've already determined that people on bikes will be given short shrift? From the Speck report:

"However, beyond removing encouragements to speeding, State Street could and should be transformed in a more instrumental way. It is the only promising north-south corridor for cycling in this part of downtown, as it contains ample roadway to support bike lanes, with little impact on parking capacity. Its 40-foot cross section contains room for two driving lanes, two bike lanes, and a parking lane on one side. The parking would drop away briefly at left-hand turn lanes, but, if properly striped, could provide about as many parking spaces as are currently present in the roadway.

The only impediment to introducing these bike lanes are the small 'bulb-out' curb extensions now present in six locations, three of which would have to be removed. This small construction project would be a small price to pay for the introduction of a robust north-south biking corridor, particularly a pro-health 'active living' corridor linking Floyd Memorial Hospital to the Downtown YMCA Aquatic Center."

Unelected Bored of Works gets started gutting Speck as mayor endorses PAC checks from afar.

The first Speck amputation was announced yesterday, as improvements suggested for the State Street corridor were unceremoniously jettisoned sans substantive explanation from Warren Naps for fear he might be awakened during the meeting.

The Bookseller said it best:

"I'm sincerely not trying to be dense, but didn't New Albany just pay the foremost expert on the continent $75,000 for a 'conceptual plan?' Jeff Speck's action program is ready to implement, but, by the design of the mayor and his campaign team, it will be delayed for purely electoral purposes. I hope it backfires."

And this remains as true today as when I wrote it four months ago.

ON THE AVENUES SUNDAY SPECIAL: How many businesses already have died because of City Hall’s street grid procrastination?

... Luckily, a Third Floor insider explained it to me last week in plainer English:

Two way streets? You won't get them from Jeff Gahan. He doesn’t think there’s a problem, and if there is, he thinks it will just go away and solve itself. He’s scared to death – and he’s getting most of his information from Duggins. All the trust is gone.

Strong words … but so far, amply buttressed by observable reality and the administration’s own bizarrely frank admissions.

I'm told that there is a need to compromise and sing kumbaya with those incapable of adding 2 and 2 without arriving at 15. As such, here is my mayoral platform plank as it pertains to Speck's proposals.

Upon assuming the office of mayor, I will immediately act to implement Speck's proposals, with as close to 100% accuracy as possible. My compromise is this: The streets thus reconfigured, all of Mr Padgett's trucks may continue to use the city's grid with no extra charge. Indeed, we're entitled to our own opinions, just not our own facts. Two way streets now.

That gurgling sound you hear somewhere off in the distance?

That's Jeff Gahan's perpetually cowardly sidestep.

New Albany to form conceptual plans for downtown improvements

NEW ALBANY — The city is moving into a conceptual development phase as it determines what course of action to take in response to planner Jeff Speck’s streets proposal ...

... Mayor Jeff Gahan’s administration has largely not committed to any of the Speck plan. New Albany Board of Public Works and Safety President Warren Nash announced Tuesday the city will continue to weigh the study and feedback from the public ...

... The city has decided to scrap a portion of the Speck study that called for the establishment of a bicycle lane on State Street near Floyd Memorial Hospital and Health Services.

New Albany's new slogan: "Truck Through City" ... Part 82: With Speck hearings concluded, the Bored of Works can return to fluffing the trucking lobby.

Do you think the Bored of Works will cancel its meeting today?

After all, dozens of appointed city employees currently rove the city, taking advantage of the springtime thaw to plant Team Gahan political yard signs, and so perhaps a functionary like Warren Naps might equip his BOW with sack lunches and work gloves, and join in the effort?

By the way, does anyone know how to file a complaint with the Ethics Commission? Strangely, my inquiries seem to be going unanswered. It's like they've all gone fishin', poles or otherwise.

Now, back to New Albany's biggest tourist attraction: Trucking Porn.

Courtesy of MN

New Albany's new slogan: "Truck Through City" ... Part 81: Bored of Works versus Irv Stumler, no holds barred.

Cisa Barry
Bumped into Irv Stumler today, who was passing out postcards raising questions about the "Missing: Facts about the Street Conversion." After telling him that I am in favor of the street study and proposed conversions he was completely shocked to find out that I had actually read "the whole 110 pages." And here I thought it was a common practice to research something before forming an opinion on it.

Roger A. Baylor
There's as much reason to question Irv's judgment and his sincerity now, in his present jihad against proposals he hasn't read, as when he ran for a mayor as a Democrat in 2011, evidently unaware that a simple web search would show his previous campaign donations to the GOP and the Tea Party. Then as now, he believes we're stupid. Then as now, we're not. The result is Irv embarrassing himself, and that's just sad.

Jeff Gillenwater
Irv is probably surprised to learn that young women read. If you want some real fun, take a look at the "studies' they're touting on Stumler's NewAlbany4All (except people who actually read) site. Roger's last three sentences couldn't be more apropos. Chris Morris should be writing editorials about just how far Stumler and crew will go in trying to mislead the public.

New Albany's new slogan: "Truck Through City" ... Part 80: It's our weekly melted sing-along with the Bored of Works.

As Warren Naps, this week's question for the Bored comes from reader K, via Facebook.

Dear City of New Albany,

I just watched one of your ambulances hurrying, with lights on, down Old Ford Rd. They had to turn around because it is flooded at Armstrong Bend. Some signage at Slate Run Rd and Charlestown Rd would facilitate emergency services and also eliminate the frustrated drivers from having to turn around in my driveway while they try to utilize my residential street as a convenient short cut. Roger, do you know who to tag? Thanks. This will probably last a few weeks. The city put up barricades and high water signs close to the hazard. They ought to notify others before they go half a mile down the road ...

Just when I think I've heard it all, K, but you know how it works (or not) here in Na Na Land. However, based on the board's recent reaction to snow and sidewalks ...

... it's my guess that Warren and the Board of Works will locate a non-existent ordinance and say it's YOUR responsibility to notify drivers of detours. Please purchase the signs locally.

Meanwhile, there are trucks.

New Albany's new slogan: "Truck Through City" ... Part 79: Bored of Works duty arousal duly begins now.

Last week, chirpy chairman Warren Naps skillfully guided the Bored of Works through a difficult digression about civic sidewalk irresponsibility, and as we continue to search in vain for the specific city ordinance being referenced -- it may well have been mistaken for a house, demolished and taken to the landfill -- here are a few kilt-lifting, cheesecake photos of the heavy machines that dictate the pace of life in New Albany.

Check it out, Warren ... it's an oversized load.

But I thought these oversize loads were supposed to have escorts with flashing lights? Maybe they just forgot.

It's a little known fact, but as consistently revealed in surveys of visitors to New Albany, one of the most sought-after photo ops are those fortunate times when speeding J & J Pallet trucks provide helpful modernistic contrast to historic church architecture. People just love it. It's positively artistic -- right, Irv?

Wait, how'd that dump truck get in there?

Ah, now this is more like the usual view of Tiger Trucking, speedily extracting value from Matt Chalfant's downtown urban investment ... and providing the Bored of Works and Irv Stumler alike with a daily allotment of pure metallic Jollies.

Until next time, don't forget: In New Albany, you NEVER really have to leave the interstate.

Yesterday at NAC:

Why is Jeff Gahan terrified of publicly supporting Speck? Leadership, anyone?