After many apathetic years, the letters section of the Tribune is again showing signs of becoming the entertaining, edifying spectacle it used to be during the halcyon days of “Cap” Sterling and Nola McDaniel.
Here’s an example from yesterday’s edition (note that the date, November 29, was erroneously listed as November 24 in the newspaper’s on-line archive).
Nov. 29: Reader not impressed with big words
I’d like to respond to a recent letter in the Nov. 9, 2006, edition of The Tribune referencing values.
No. 1. The lady, being from the Northeast, is trying to impress us by the use of 12-letter words? As a suggestion, if you’re writing to the average citizen, use average citizen words so that we can better understand what you are trying to say. I learned that at Penn State.
No. 2. I’m from the east and there is no question that Hoosiers and Kentuckians appreciate our past, present, future and our country’s traditional family values and our customs and our heritage better than those from the Anything Goes, It’s OK you’re OK, If it feels good do it Northeast.
Burning our flags and same sex marriage is not only against our traditions, our heritage, our customs and everything else “American,” they are also against the Bible and should be outlawed by Constitutional Amendments. Maybe you should move back to New Jersey. They’d “love” you there.
Frank Criss, Floyds Knobs
The object of Mr. Criss’s acidic lesson in value-determinant geography is the writer who previously penned this:
Nov. 9, 2006: Reader sick of values being used incorrectly
“Values, Values, Values.” I am so sick of hearing about “values.” What exactly does “values” mean? It means an abstract concept of morality. At best ambiguous, at worst, delusional.
“Hoosier values” means what? I am from New Jersey. Does that mean my “Jersey values” are better, worse or the same as “Hoosier values?” Somehow, I believe, that in some people’s eyes, they are worse.
Since, I believe that the Constitution serves to provide protection for our freedoms, the frivolity of a Constitutional Amendment to protect an institution that already allows the freedom of a man and woman to marry is ludicrous. Does that make my “values” evil?
I also don’t believe in adding a Constitutional Amendment to protect the flag from flag burning. It’s a matter of the Bill of Rights. You know the provision of freedom of speech. Like what I’m doing. Wow, I’m doing really bad in someone’s idea of “values.”
Using hot button, totally irrelevant issues to push an agenda is demagoguery. To decide for me what my “values” should be and to deride me when I don’t agree is odious.
My point is that the use and abuse of the word values is wrong and only serves to isolate people. However, since politicians are abstract, ambiguous and delusional, the word may work for them.
Karen Van Hauter, Jeffersonville.
Looking more closely, we see that Mr. Criss’s reference to “trying to impress us by the use of 12-letter words” is far funnier than he intended. The only 12-letter word to be found in Ms. Van Hauter’s letter is the noun “Constitution.” It may have seemed to him that “demagoguery” surely falls into the dreaded 12-letter classification. Properly motivated spelling bee winners know that it has only 11.
In Ms. Van Hauter’s letter, there is the adjective “Constitutional,” which has 14 letters. But wait – Holy Hypocrite, Batman! – in his response, Mr. Criss also uses the adjective “Constitutional,” and yes, it again has 14 – 14! – letters.
What’s he trying to do, impress us?
“Constitutional” must be an “average citizen” word when he uses it, but not when it is purloined by atheist pinko moral relativists.
The space and time continuum also poses certain difficulties for Mr. Criss’s, agonized, plaintive wail (I shan’t dignify it with a short, 8-letter word like “argument”), as in the case of his insistence that the Bible specifically teaches against burning an American flag that wasn’t initially sewed until 2,000 years after the Good Book was misinterpreted for the first time.
Apparently he learned these argumentation techniques in value-determinant geography while employed as a custodian at Penn State, although he is unclear on this point.
Encouragingly for the future chortle value of the Tribune’s opinion page, the November 29 missive wasn’t the first time that Mr. Criss has donned his Floyd R. Turbo hunting cap to allege, “Hoosiers and Kentuckians appreciate our past, present, future and our country’s traditional family values and our customs and our heritage better.”
He also did it on November 26, while lauding departing legislator Mike “Big Wheels” Sodrel for his win in Floyd County:
With so many Left-Wing Liberals in the district, who are unaware of our heritage, our customs, our values, our traditions and our Judeo-Christian beginnings, it looks like a brighter future for Floyd County. Yes, Sodrel lost the election, but we are apparently beginning to emerge from our dismal past when Floyd County mainly supported good ole boy Dem’s regardless of their qualifications.
That’s a fair volume of pus to ooze from one place, but I’m a glutton for punishment when it comes to the outer limits of nuttiness, so I’ll bite. This grouping of “our” – who are you speaking of, Mr. Criss?
The native born, as opposed to the infidels from New Jersey? Or maybe the properly indoctrinated ones, and not those succumbing to the dreaded virus of book learnin’?
Seems I was born and raised right here in tradition- and value-laden Floyd County. I ran in the woods, played basketball, was rejected by all known cheerleaders and watched Hee Haw. I’ve lived here in this bastion of the Judeo-Christian ethos my whole life, and today, I couldn’t disagree with you more strongly if I were Osama bin Laden, Ted Kennedy and Michael Moore, all rolled into one.
What, then, was the source of the unpatriotic, pagan, foreign contagion in my case?
Did I get it during an illicit bout of unprotected readin’?
Perhaps there can be a Constitutional (14) amendment (just 9) against that, too.
Verily, disgust is the only proper reaction. There is no populated corner of this planet that is without some measure of ignorance, and yet in no part of the civilized world is it as enduringly fashionable as right here in the good ol’ USA. Keep up the good work, Mr. Criss.
Side-splitting laughter is one fine and suitably aerobic way for me to shed pounds on my diet.
(An edited version of the preceding has been sent to the Tribune for consideration as a letter to the editor)
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12 comments:
Bravura performance! (17 letters total).
Roger--I simply have to comment: Your response to Mr. Criss's letter is a classic! It is thoughtful, exceptionally well-written and undeniably hilarious. This post demonstrates precisely why I enjoy reading your words so much--whether or not I happen to agree with them. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Roger,
You had the time to do what I didn't. When I saw the Criss letter and then went back to the first letter, and tried to figure out what he was talking about.
Well done.
I didn't agree with Mr. Criss' viewpoints either. But you know what else I don't agree with? Taking an elitist, superior attitude when disagreeing with him. Insulting him by saying he must have been a custodian at Penn State. It rubs me the wrong way, and I think it devalues your arguments.
A very amusing post today.
I dont take your comments to Mr. Criss being elitist or superior, but rather, whimiscal and truly hilarious.
Kudos. (5 letters).
Annie, I might respond by saying that it's difficult for me to imagine a more elitist and superior attitude than that of the zealot who wishes to impose his or her narrow morality on the rest of us.
But I won't. Mr. Criss chose to flaunt his real or imagined academic credentials as a component of his attack. Consequently, these credentials are fair game for satire, don't you think? Consider that I could not possible reference these had not he chosen to advertise the fact.
Where, in fact, is the line when it comes to elitism? Once upon a time, when I wrote questioning the veracity of the view that Biblical wine was non-alcoholic (after I'd spent a whole day in the library examining concordances), I was berated in turn for being an elitist and raining all over a poor old woman's belief system.
But I thought we were trying to arrive at some degree of reconcilable truth!
I take your point, and I'll mull over it. But ... I believe that when it comes to the give and take, you use what's given, rhetorically or otherwise.
Amen. (Even if it's a four letter word...)
Freedom of speech is one of the great benefits of our country. We see examples here on all sides and it allows for healthy discourse.
We don't need constitutional amendments for either of these.
We just need to follow the Constitution and laws we currently have, work with the system in place and utilize the mechanisms established to make changes as we deem appropriate.
All this should be able to be accomplished without name-calling and stereotyping.
Freedom of speech is open to everyone, including the Christians.
Hmm, I think I’m getting insulted here. I’m from New Jersey.
Funny thing about New Jersey and the values I learned there.
I learned that honesty is good and dishonesty isn’t good.
I learned that if you want to get ahead in life you need to work hard.
We were taught, in school, to do our own work and to not cheat.
We learned the virtues of good deli food and corned beef and pastrami. A lot of us even liked chopped chicken liver. And matzo ball soup.
We were taught to be kind to other people.
No one told us to burn flags.
We learned the virtues of really good pizza. Lots of great pizza places with a guy in the window tossing the dough in the air and selling pizza by the slice.
Oh yes, and we learned that Penn State isn’t in New Jersey but in Pennsylvania. Okay, true confessions, Rutgers is a NJ state college but I did pull for U of L.
So here’s the big difference between New Jersey values and this region’s values.
Different kind of pizza, tho’ good pizza is available here. It’s difficult to buy pizza by the slice around here and good corned beef, pastrami, and matzo ball soup isn’t that available.
Oh, and I do think most people around here do know what state Penn State is in.
Understand, Roger, that I am not saying that you're elitist or superior. There's a fine line between humor and meanness. Criss's letter is certainly worth responding to, but it's the personal digs, the "you're probably just a dumb custodian" inference, that seem unnecessary. Like calling a certain local blogger a "palsied poseur"--I think denigrating professions and physical handicaps isn't fair play. Even if somebody else does it first.
I brought this up because it's a point of concern to me. I've heard so many people say they have been hurt or embarassed by personal attacks on blogs, and it does seem to be out of hand, all the name-calling and belittling. And when it comes from someone whose views I tend to agree with many times, it really bothers me.
Constitutional is one of those words most everyone knows. Say, expressing your thoughts and opinions is a good thing. Slamming someone personally isn't. Your writing flows nicely. Maybe you could use your talent in a more productive way?
I'm certainly willing to discuss varying interpretations of "productive."
In the original letter, would you regard the writer's reference to the lady "from the Northeast" who used "12-letter words" as a slam?
Looking at it again, it would seem so. The roundhouse wasn't thrown just at the lady, but at the entire "if it feels good do it" Northeast.
Do you think that this constitutes not only a slam, but a rather sweeping generalization?
Is it slamming someone to point out that the argumentation used is weak, and certain facts, i.e., the Bible outlawing flag burning, are not facts at all?
Look, I know what you're getting at here. Someone you know ventured an opinion, and of course should be commended for doing so alongside his own name, and it appears that I'm hastening to rain all over the parade.
But the rules of the game don't change just because some players don't know them. When you pick a public forum to throw something out, you may have to defend it. There've been times when I've been ripped to shreds, and you know what? I've learned from it, and it's made me a better writer, and a clearer thinker.
Unless, of course, the whole thing is a satire ... in which case, I congratulate the artist who conceived it, and will take my lumps accordingly.
'Cuz that's how the game is played.
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