Friday, June 24, 2005

State commerce agency to New Albany: It's dirty work, and we're happy you're doing it, not us

Statistics released this morning by the Indiana Department of Commerce show that the city of New Albany now leads the entire state in the production of unverifiable rumors and the fabrication of ambiguous statistics, with both these non-remunerative activities overtaking traditional retail and manufacturing as a source of amusement during waking hours, especially among a grayer demographic.

According to Indiana state economist N. B. Forrest, “New Albany traditionally has done wonders with spouting breathtaking ignorance and misinterpreting funky numbers,” but the percentage increase during the past three months has caught analysts completely by surprise.

“Quite frankly, we don’t know where all that mongering and factoid creation is coming from,” noted Forrest, who added, “New Albany currently is producing unmitigated nonsense at a pace far beyond that sustained by Indianapolis, a city many twenty times New Albany’s size.”

Unfortunately, New Albany’s recent success comes in a sector of the economy that many Indiana cities have abandoned in favor of more balanced, rational growth.

“The problem here is that the more people you have engaged in perpetuating irresponsible imbecility and conjuring phantom numbers, the fewer you get actually working and contributing to the tax base,” said Forrest, who in conclusion adds, “malice spreading and numerical mayhem keep a less skilled portion of the population busy, but many of us worry that’s it’s simply no way to run a railroad, much less a modern city.”

6 comments:

All4Word said...

Ah, if we could only aspire to be as great as Scottsburg, or Charlestown, where vision is the watchword.

New Albany's founders would be ashamed.

Jeff Gillenwater said...

Should I be worried that I think both one of Tim's comments and a Klan reference are funny or that I agree with the assessment that Scottsburg and Charlestown are leading the way for NA to follow?

All in one post, no less.

Someone on the trog blog once suggested that I'd been out in the sun too long. That may very well be true today.

edward parish said...

This sounds like the quote from the Lonely Planet Travel Guide Book about our phair, oops fair, I mean fare city.

One voice said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
All4Word said...

NAC, what's the status of your scorecard on Scribner Place and downtown redevelopment?

I know we can guess at some, but what's the actual scorecard looking like.

An audible "Yes" - ?
A growling "No" - ?
The sounds of crickets chirping - far too many.

The shameless ones are stealing the future while the people of this city sit on their hands and go "tsk, tsk."

The New Albanian said...

I have deleted the preceding post from New Albany Resident for reasons that will be familiar to those of you who read NAC on a regular basis.

I will not tolerate gutless anonymity on this blog. If you are gutless and anonymous, please waltz over to Speak Out Lout NA and plant one on Laura - she likes it.

I don't.

To each his or her own.