Dude, I Just Want to Join the Neighborhood Association – and Other Remarkable Tales from the New Albany Re-NAY-ssance.

Hello, I’d like to rejoin the South Bling Street Neighborhood Association.

Praise Gahan; that’s wonderful. Do you live within the boundaries of the Neighborhood Association?

I’ve lived in the same house for 13 years.

That’s what they all say. To process your application, we’ll need to see a payment book, proof of tangible wealth or as a last resort, a deed .

But I live only two doors down from you!

This ain't Silver Hills, bub. We have to be sure you’re not a slumlord, a poor person, or even worse, a progressive. It’s not our rule, it’s the new ordinance.

What new ordinance?

Z-BR-549, the Omnibus Neighborhood Association Purity Act of 2017.

But it isn’t 2017 yet.

It doesn’t matter – we already bought the votes for it.

I thought you said it wasn’t YOUR rule.

I never said that. Anyhow, Knucksie Duggins wrote the checks. By the way, you’re not friends with Jeff Gillenwater, are you?

Is that a rule, too?

It should be. Look, shouldn’t you be joining the Midtown Neighborhood Association instead? It’s closer to your house.

But it’s defunct.

Exactly.

And I seem to recall that you’re the ones who put it out of business.

Listen, if you already know the answers, why keep asking questions? Big Daddy G doesn’t like questions, not at all. It makes him mean, and then the phone rings at 2:00 a.m.

Who is Big Daddy G?

If you have to ask, you’ll never know. Try to understand; if we don’t do exactly what Big Daddy says, we’ll never get what we want.

Have you gotten what you want?

Not really, but this time he promised – and I know he means it, because he took those stupid confusing bike paths out of the two-way street plan, so we’ve got that going for us.

I see. Have you ever biked?

Seriously? In that traffic? On second thought, wouldn’t you feel more comfortable with Silver Grove’s neighborhood association? They have plenty of malcontents over there, too, and they don’t exist, either.

Let’s start over. I have $5, and I want to join the South Bling Street Neighborhood Association. Do you want my money, or not?

How do you know the dues are $5?

I'm not sure. Maybe I saw it on the web site.

That’s a bald-faced lie. Our web site doesn’t have that or any other information. If you go putting membership information on-line, then every Tom, Dick and Greg in the neighborhood will want to join -- and then what?

Isn’t that what you want?

It’s not about me – it’s about Big Daddy G. You know, his helper Adam helped us with the settings on social media, and now we’re no longer bothered by pesky comments or questions.

Can I join or not?

If you insist, yes, but you can’t attend meetings, receive e-mails or come to the Christmas party. That's a real steal at only five dollars a year.

Here’s a $5 bill.

Sorry, I don’t have any change. Do you have a credit card?

Yes, here it is.

Oops – my Square is down. Have any coins?

Yes.

Great. That’ll be a dollar in pennies, two dollars in nickels, five dimes if it’s a full moon ... got any Euros?

What about a roll of quarters, and I can join for two years?

(glares)

Right. Big Daddy G doesn’t like paying it forward. Just tell me why I can’t join the South Bling Street Neighborhood Association when my house is right in the middle of it and I have the membership dues.

Truthfully, Long Tall Shane says your security clearance comes up beet red.

Who is he?

Long Tall Shane's the gatekeeper, and he collects the fines for multi-syllable violations – shit, how many syllables did I just use?

You're safe. What does a beet red security clearance mean?

It means you’re a grave and persistent threat to crassly exploit actual facts to score extremely cheap points for your pet agenda of fairness, transparency and urban empowerment.

So they really do read my blog, huh?

Every single word. Now, we all know you're toast, so let’s talk turkey. Have you considered leaving town? We’re authorized to pay YOU if you’ll move away.

How much?

Five dollars is the going rate.

That’s not very much.

Well, Big Daddy G is the most profound accounting genius in municipal history, but even he can't get blood out of every TIF bond.

Thanks. I’m glad we had this talk. I have just one question.

What’s that?

Can he get that $5 out of EDIT instead?

Mailer Wars '15: Let's take a closer look at KZ's four platitudes.

Let's look at each in turn.

Better Management: Localism does not factor into it; instead, it's the very same incentive-laden "attract and retain" boilerplate that's written on the back of David Duggins's business cards. You'd think that at some point, the GOP would realize that Beach Mold & Tool and Padgett actually are local businesses. How will KZ compete against the superior incentives available at River Ridge?

Better Neighborhoods: "Enforcing existing codes" is a code phrase itself, meaning "no rental property registration or inspection" -- and yet rental properties remain the crux of so many neighborhood issues. Also, there's nothing to stop neighborhood associations from being created and strengthened now. The truth is there's no grassroots pressure for this to occur. If KZ intends to create these entities, isn't that top-down thinking of the sort we're trying to purge?

Better City: In my estimation, KZ's vow to run City Hall transparently is sincere. He's surely seen how it works from the other side of the wall, being the only Republican on a council dominated by Democrats.

Better Life: Reading the words "an exceptional place to raise our children" reminds me of a weekend discussion about sporting opportunities for young people. Whenever the topic of team sports is raised, the discussion inevitably turns to a collective responsibility on the part of suburbanites to provide "opportunity" to low-income, inner-city children who can't afford team sports. Curiously, it seldom turns to a chat about what we might do to provide economic opportunity overall, period, rather than continuing to regard the one-in-a-million, lottery-winning inner city future NBA star as constituting equitable opportunity.

I'm not grading these mailers, but KZ's second mass communication manages to narrow his platform to four basic points, even if they are vague and generalized. It's probably where he needs to be in terms of agitprop.

For greater substance, I believe you know where to look. Just search "Baylor Mayor" at NAC, make some coffee, and settle in.

The recent annals of the parade, this year with NABC Strassen Bräu.

This Saturday, October 5, is the annual Harvest Homecoming Parade in downtown New Albany.

Pictured above is a scene from the 2009 parade, when NABC had its fire truck float. Note the absence of the steeple on St. Mary's. It was being restored post-hurricane, and the church being made ready for an exterior refitting when the parade passed it that year.

Because the parade's traditional final turn is from Spring Street onto Bank Street, you can see the whole show at Bank Street Brewhouse with a Progressive Pint in hand. BSB will open at 11:00 a.m., and while the parade begins at noon, it takes a while for it to reach our craft beer-fueled reviewing stand.

For the occasion of the October 5 parade, NABC is releasing Strassen Bräu, our Bavarian-style Marzen/Oktoberfest. It will be pouring at BSB as well as the original Pizzeria & Public House location. Also on the 5th, we’ll launch a final hurrah for Tricentennial Ale. As of today, roughly 100 hand-numbered of the limited edition of 300 bottles remain in stock for purchase (both NABC locations) and draft is down to a handful of kegs — which will be tapped at both locations on parade day.

Finally, the annual parade party at the 1117 East Spring Street Neighborhood Association is once again on. Stay tuned for further details, and RSVP if you intend to stop by.

NABC Gold and the annals of the parade.

This Saturday, October 6, is the annual Harvest Homecoming Parade in downtown New Albany.

Pictured above is a scene from the 2009 parade, when NABC had its fire truck float. Note the absence of the steeple on St. Mary's. It was being restored post-hurricane, and the church being made ready for an exterior refitting when the parade passed it that year.

Because the parade's traditional final turn is from Spring Street onto Bank Street, you can see the whole show at Bank Street Brewhouse with a Progressive Pint in hand. BSB will open at 11:00 a.m., and while the parade begins at noon, it takes a while for it to reach our craft beer reviewing stand.

Although it has been on tap for a few weeks, NABC Gold’s official unveiling is on Saturday. To celebrate, there’ll be $3 pints of Gold all day long. NABC Gold is the latest addition to our Session Series (4.2%), and brewed in the style of American blonde ale.

Hoosier Daddy Crimson & Cream Ale will be on tap, too; in fact, we intend to continue brewing it through next spring. Finally, the annual parade party at the 1117 East Spring Street Neighborhood Associations is once again on. Stay tuned for further details.

There's another stump in heaven.

Back on June 23, 2010, the dead tree in front of the 1117 East Spring Street Neighborhood Association suddenly was gone. NAC thanked the city, and gently reminded the powers that be: "Now, about that stump grinding ... "

As you can see, yesterday (or was it Monday -- I've been at a distilling conference, for heaven's sake) the stump disappeared, although the hole remains.

Let's not be churlish. Thanks to the city, the tree board, Clean and Green, or the colossal radioactive beaver ... in short, thanks to whomever removed the stump.

Seeing as the hole remains unfilled, are we to surmise that a sapling will be coming our way, albeit in 21 months or so?

Courtesy of the leadership cadre of the 1117 E. Spring St. Neighborhood Association.

Midtown Neighborhood Association's clean-up day is Sat., Oct. 16.

Now on the Jouett Meekin Memorial Keg Box ...

... at the 1117 East Spring Street Neighborhood Association, it's:

Aecht Schlenkerla Fastenbier. Stay tuned for our handy new on-line reservation form so you can book your visits to the friendly confines of 1117 and help plot the 2011 3rd district council de-selection campaign over a long, cool smoked lager.

World's largest condom machine to eliminate the need for membership dues at the 1117 East Spring Neighborhood Association.

Encouraged by the continuing presence of the Coke machine out in front of the slumlord property on the 600 block of E. Elm, which apparently (but certainly not unexpectedly) has survived the city's stated intent to remove it from its sidewalk, the newly chartered 1117 East Spring Street Neighborhood Association (1117 NA) is delighted to announce that the first step toward its goal of financial independence will be the world's largest condom dispensing machine, to be located on the city's property where a dead tree currently stands.

Whenever the city gets around to cutting down the tree ...

(Psst ... what if they move as slowly on the dead tree as they have on the Coke machine ... then where do we put the condom machine?)

... the 1117 NA will begin constructing its fundraiser.

In other news, the president of 1117 NA, Hugo Baylor (the aria-loving tabby, and one of four cats who are members of 1117 NA) will visit his North Korean leadership counterpart Kim Jong Il next week to seek a grant for $1345.87 that will enable 1117 NA to remove a dead tree from the city's property before the city's target date of 2017.

New neighborhood association chartered in New Albany.

With a population of 6 – two humans and four cats – the 1117 East Spring Street Neighborhood Association (1117 NA, for short), seeks to capitalize on the city's enduring, unceasing factionalist disunity by actively competing against other, like-minded groups for scarce and diminishing resources at the precise time when co-operation is most needed.

“We believe that circling our wagon is the best approach to deal with the transitional status of the areas outside our own tiny patch of turf,” says 1117 NA founder R. A. Baylor.

“This way, it’s all for number one, and none for all.”

In like spirit, the formation of the 1117 NA is being lauded by those parasitical elements that readily thrive in New Albany’s historic downtown residential areas in the absence of principled unity, including the Slumlord Benevolent Society (SBS), the Meth Cooker’s Alliance (MCA), the Diversity Ends at the Tip of My Porch’s Nose (DETMPN), and the Committee to Re-elect Steve Price (JETHRO).

Its perimeter duly staked, 1117 NA intends an immediate petition to the Indiana Housing & Community Development Authority (IHCDA) Board of Directors for “purely an afterthought” funding from the NSP Community Neighborhood Revitalization Fund.

According to Baylor, 1117 NA’s bid for afterthought funding stands in stark contrast with applications submitted by other, larger neighborhood associations in the area.

“Seeking the betterment of whole city blocks is effete, outmoded, pie in the sky blather from the same liberal minds that brought us socialistic health care,” he says. “It only makes the slumlords mad, while getting the rest of us dirty. However, 1117 NA’s bold, innovative proposal keeps it small and sustainable. If approved, these neighborhood stabilization monies will be used as soon as possible to enhance the quality of life where it matters most: Right here at 1117 E. Spring.”

Items on 1117 NA’s neighborhood revitalization checklist include a big-ass brick wall to keep everyone else out, a new hot tub on the back patio, a humidor and cigar lounge in the unfinished basement, more refrigeration and beer tapping capability, and guaranteed lifetime supplies of both cat food and kitty litter.

Baylor said that when it comes to existing neighborhood associations, there are no hard feelings.

“There’s no ‘team’ in ‘I’, and there’s no ‘communal’ in ‘lone wolf’, but what the hell -- they’ll figure it out eventually. It just got to the point where too many hoity-toity bloggers were telling me how to live my life, and my wife's and cats’ lives, too, and if I believed in God, I’d say ‘by God’, that’s just un-American. Them people don't scare me.”

“If you'll pardon me now, I have an appointment for high tea with my 3rd district councilman. We’ll be discussing investments in offshore rental properties -- the ones in those other neighborhoods."

(submitted press release)