Drat! No fisticuffs at the city council meeting of Thursday, December 15.

Little was on the agenda, and the ensuing love fest is typical for end-of-years, end-of-terms and end-of-errors. Steve Price thanked the council for "putting up with" him, but he directed no such parting comment at his long-suffering, unrepresented 3rd district constituents.

New Albany City Council approves refinancing for Christian Academy, as reported in the N and T.

After four years of sometimes intense debates over finances, utility rates and a smoking ban, the final meeting for the current edition of the New Albany City Council was relatively tranquil.

ON THE AVENUES: The end of an error.

ON THE AVENUES: The end of an error.

A weekly web column by Roger A. Baylor.

There’ll be a city council meeting held tonight in the usual shabby, metal-chaired, 1960’s-era space on the third floor of the city-county building, itself a flawed monument to muddled thinking during a post-war period spent proving America’s superiority over the Soviet Union by emulating its architectural non-achievements.

Apart from the possibility of a tacked-on, truncated legislative session on December 28, this will be the final regularly scheduled meeting of 2011, and a last hurrah for three departing council seat holders.

New Albany bids adieu (for now, at least) to at-large council person Jack Messer and the 6th district’s Jeff Gahan, both of whom ran for mayor this year. Gahan won the election, and he will assume the executive position immediately after the huge paper mâché toilet about to be erected on Hauss Square ceremoniously flushes at midnight on December 31. Messer’s political future is as yet uncertain, but I wish him well.

Also passing into the city’s remarkably nefarious history books (thanks, Gregg Seidl) is Steve Price, who in theory has represented the 3rd council district for the past eight years. In practice, Price has yodeled plaintively and ineffectually from a rusty camp stool in the corner of the Luddite Bar & Grill as numerous others worked to make New Albany a better place, invested in its future, and did the heavy lifting necessary to bring the city close to within spitting distance of the 21st century.

Indeed, New Albany has undergone a remarkable transformation over the past eight years, and not only was Steve Price perpetually absent from the process, he actively resisted it every step of the way.

Even as our local Democratic Party’s phalanx of unreconstructed Dixiecrats continued to succumb to advancing age and rampant conceptual confusion, it openly adored Price for his heroic stands against modernity. Democratic leaders smiled benignly, bowed in subservience to Heavrinist orthodoxy, and insisted it could be the party both of Barack Obama and Li’l Stevie. However, in the May primary, Greg Phipps toppled the recumbent incumbent with the ease of a weed whacker slicing through unwanted dandelions in a slumlord’s dilapidated backyard.

Little was learned, and no one was saved, but who really cares? Price is gone.

Let’s all flush, shall we?

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Yes, and then there are the denizens of Troglodyte Nation, already gathered around their kitchen tables of venerable, cracked linoleum, demanding that the incoming mayor honor his campaign promises to his core constituency of embittered wee ones, or else they’ll … uh, maybe climb atop some discarded phone books and drink more Bud Light, or something like that.

The little people will be disappointed soon enough, seeing as mayor-elect Gahan will have far more important agendas to pursue than Professor Erika’s demand for blood purges, war trials and the public drawing and quartering of certain previously elected (and appointed) officials for past offenses.

Throughout history, revolutionary juggernauts have rolled excitedly into the capital city, aiming to remove every trace of the previous regime, and almost without exception, it soon becomes apparent that without somebody trained to keep the lights on, it gets tiresome trying to read edicts in the dark.

Furthermore, looking back at Gahan’s recently concluded campaign, there’s very little to suggest that populist radicalism is about to seize the levers (in New Albany, the toothpicks) of power. Following is the simple, effective mantra prefacing Gahan’s whopping 64% majority:

In order to become a better community as a whole, we should come together to focus on three major goals: being physically cleaner, financially stronger, and fundamentally better.

V.I. Lenin’s screed it ain’t.

Granted, the primary objects of troglodyte displeasure will be departing (except for the author, of course). New Albany won’t have a deputy mayor to kick around any longer, and there’ll be a new city attorney, with Stan Robison replacing Shane Gibson. Three-term chief executive Doug England is headed into retirement, presumably short-lived, with sufficient time to plot the next astonishing comeback.

There’ll be the usual reshuffling, and improvements in management capability always have the potential to elevate performance, but in the end, 90% or more of those currently on the city’s employment rolls will remain there. For the next four years, in ways great and small, New Albany will be playing much the same hand. As dealers go, how will Mayor Gahan play the game? We’re about to find out.

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Speaking as a resident of the 3rd council district, 2011 was a year of supreme, ultimate vindication. We always knew that Price could not survive a primary in which he faced only one opponent. Eight years of Price’s minority rule ended when Phipps took 57% of the vote, and now we can move ahead, toward long overdue representation. I’m feeling all gushy and (lower case) democratic, for once.

In terms of local politics, the forthcoming year should be immensely entertaining, with all those Dixiecrats pretending to be Democrats scrambling with all their declining might to support whatever non-entity the GOP eventually nominates to run against Obama, who’ll lose here big-time in spite of the city’s alleged Democratic majority -- even if the sitting Floyd County Republican chieftain, Mr. Matthews, will remain unable to capitalize on these gifts constantly handed to him by the Retrocrats.

Is it Happy Hour yet?

The uncouncilman's career ends tonight ...

... along with the council stints of fellow seat holders Jack Messer, who did not seek re-election, and Jeff Gahan, who is about to become mayor. Steve Price will now become an ex-councilman -- perhaps the highest accolade he has earned in a political career of unparalleled underachievement.

Tonight's meeting is previewed here; beware the newspaper's incessant and obsolete pop-up generator.

CM Zurschmiede's holiday gift: Pretzel logic, or can of worms?

Flushing time draws ever nearer, but two city council meetings remain on the 2011 calendar, with the first one coming tonight.

In today’s preview, the News and Tribune ‘Bama Pop-Up Machine’s reporter Daniel Suddeath considers one item that will not be on tonight’s agenda: Last month’s tabled funding request from New Albany First, the city's first ever grassroots advocacy group for independent small business.

I find it slightly odd that CM John Gonder’s explanation herein, to the effect that such future funding requests should be for specific economic development projects, merely repeats what was said aloud during council discussions when the idea was first minted.

But far richer is CM Kevin Zurschmiede’s “slap in the face” line.

In a muddled piece of sophistry, Zurschmiede seems to be saying that existing organizations like Develop New Albany (a) get pride of place at the table, but (b) have been underfunded by the council in the past, and (c) would be insulted by monies devoted to any new organization which (d) seeks to accomplish something the existing ones have not attempted.

Any disinterested observer might respond by asking a few basic questions of Zurschmiede:

Why is an organization disqualified from requesting money just because it is new?

Isn't it possible that "new" trends, ideas and programs sometimes come along, and are worthy -- like when telephones replaced smoke signals?

Exactly what have these existing organizations done to help businesses?

If existing organizations actually have helped businesses, why has the council underfunded them?

If the $75,000 set aside by the council must be earmarked for existing organizations, why haven’t any of them yet followed the stated guidelines and come to ask for the money?

If they have not asked for money, aren’t they under-performing when it comes to helping businesses?

Of course, there’s the much-debated objection that NA First’s tabled request for monies included salary for a director. I understand why this is an issue. At the same time, DNA’s current president is being amply remunerated, albeit indirectly, with Federal cash via the mayor’s fix with the Midtown neighborhood stabilization program.

Perhaps the true moral of the story is that NA First shouldn’t have asked the city council for funding. Rather, it should have approached Doug England directly, and had him arrange a meeting with Barack Obama, who'd gladly write that $108K check.

New Albany First funding to remain tabled; Zurschmiede: $80,000 request ‘slap in the face’ to other organizations

Councilman Kevin Zurschmiede said his personal feelings about New Albany First are separate from what he believes the role of the public sector is when it comes to funding the organization.

“I stand behind what they’re trying to do, however, I don’t think the council can provide funding for a new organization like that,” he said.

Beyond being a member of the organization, Zurschmiede said the council has scarcely provided funding for Develop New Albany, which was formed in 1990.

Appropriating $80,000 for a new group like New Albany First would come as a “slap in the face” to organizations that have been established and helping businesses for several years in the city, he continued.

Flip a coin: Four-corner stall or fast break?

Over at Facebook the other day, I queried at-large council member (and independent mayoral candidate) Jack Messer about his opposition to expanding the city's riverfront development district, as originally discussed here: The nightmare scenario: Weapons of mass pub grub destruction.

Roger to Jack: "Given that the state ATC already defines the legal requirements of all alcohol permittees, including an obligation for them to serve food, what safeguards are you suggesting beyond the state's existing ones? And, what do restaurants with three-ways have to do with policing? Aren't the state boys poaching already? Thanks."

Jack to Roger: "In answer to your question, I and other members of the committee think that with the way things are right now, we need to support the existing establishments and promote the growth in the area that we have now, I feel that this is the most important thing to try to accomplish. With expanding the area, we would possibly only pick up one business and that right now is on hold after talking to the owners. I also feel that since I am in the 11th hour of my elected office as councilman, I don't think decisions like this are in the best interest of a new council that would be taking office. For too long now, things have been done in the past to try to undermine the will of the people. If the community thinks that this would build New Albany in a positive way, then the next council can deal with this. It also seems to me that the only person concerned about this is part of this administration and not from the public. Maybe a political favor is at work here.

He didn't really answer my question, but that can be another topic for another time. What I noticed first was the underlined portion above, which seems quite clear in the sense of Messer signalling his lame duck intent: I'm almost gone, and the next group can deal with this.

Fair enough, I guess, except that candidate Messer had an entirely different view of pro-activity with respect to a measure approved at last night's council meeting, as quoted in OSIN on Thursday (pop-up alert):

Councilman and mayoral candidate Jack Messer said he favors the amended code. He said “leaving things undone isn’t going to solve the problem of getting things done.”

“If it’s a tie, nobody wins. So to kill it would be an injustice to the people of the community that wanted it,” he said. “I think it should be tabled and brought back up when there’s a full council.”

So, isn't it fair to ask: Should, or should not, the council leave things undone in its declining weeks?

And: Why is washing one's legislative hands of it the correct path as pertains to the riverfront development district, but the incorrect one when it comes to the amended voting procedure?

I consider this a purely rhetorical question, by the way. In a wider world outside the atrophied shores of Scribnerdom, immediate communication has been enabled, and perhaps even perfected, via platforms like Facebook, and yet sadly, Messer isn't the only New Albany political hopeful inclined to emulate the famous television commercial's advice when questioning time begins.

The voting measure went through: New Albany council strengthens code enforcement measure; Motion requiring majority vote to pass or fail a measure approved (Suddeath; OSIN; pop-ups)

Really? I didn't know she had a brother.

It was 2005, or maybe 2006. It's hard to remember the exact year when the song always remains the same. The placards were constructed for wielding during the Harvest Homecoming Parade party at the homestead. I found them yesterday while toting boxes into storage downstairs.

Another year, another destructive Coffey Plan ... and the madness goes on, and on, and on ...

The agenda for tonight's city council meeting, which Dan Coffey will remember in years to come as his very last unimpeded breath of political job security, is mercifully light.

And yet, it's hard to imagine a council night anti-climax mere hours before the dominoes start falling on Tuesday. Perhaps Li'l Stevie will conjure imaginary Nazis, or CeeSaw will produce a last-second appropriation for One Southern Indiana.

Anyone going?

Open thread: "Five Dumbest of the Dumbest Moments" last night.

In response to my stated intent earlier today to list the Five Dumbest of the Dumbest Moments during last evening's council laughfest, Iamhoosier left this comment here: Refusing to speak for the city's residents, Coffey makes strange gurgling sounds instead as council members snore through meeting.

I'm anxious to see how you cut it down to just 5 moments. My #1 would have to be a 2 term councilman wondering how ordinances get sponsors. In seven years on the council, Mr. Price still doesn't know? (No, I didn't make that up. He actually asked that last night)

Here's another.

In response to John Gonder's resolution, which was intended to convey non-binding council opposition to the GOP-dominated Indiana legislature's ongoing efforts to preclude localized gun control measures, Diane Benedetti kept insisting that instead of thinking about it, the council would be better off appealing to GOP stalwarts Ed Clere and Ron Grooms for help, because they're "fighting for us in Indianapolis."

Thus, uninformed to the last, Benedetti gave no indication that she is aware of the proposed law, no sign that she reads news or stays in the loop, no sign that she believes even remotely in the Democratic Party's precepts, and amid guffaws, she could do no better than to appeal for help to the very same Republican ideologues whose party authored the legislation.

At this point, Dan Coffey scooped up the ball and expressed grievous misgivings with such symbolic resolutions as Gonder's, continually muttering about a Constitution he's freely ignored and violated in the past, then finally clarifiying why this resolution was completely different from the anti-tolling resolution he enthusiastically supported last year:

"When you're talking about tolls, you're talking about an economic issue, but when you're talking about guns, you're talking about the Constitution."

That's a lot of talking ... all of it gibberish.

Mark gave you one, and I've given you two. There's even more Dumbest Moments out there ... anyone else?

Refusing to speak for the city's residents, Coffey makes strange gurgling sounds instead as council members snore through meeting.

Matt Nash's words today in One Southern Indiana Newspaper ring truer than ever following last evening's council debacle.

In recent years, New Albany residents have also continued to send people back to the city council that are incompetent and totally ineffective. This year, some of the least effective members on the council are facing some challenges from worthy opponents that deserve a chance to show us what they can do. With the combination of two of the councilmen not seeking re-election and the challenges to the current group, the next city council could have a drastically different look in 2012.

Apart from the departing Jack Messer, who seems to have lost interest in policing the doltitrude, and John Gonder (the one who reads books), it is obvious that the remainder of the council members are choosing a "prevent" defense as the primary approaches. There was precious little of intelligence to be said about anything last night, just a series of pander-squawks lest a voter might be listening.

Here's the straight dope, courtesy of reporter Suddeath. If I have time later, I'll be back with last night's Five Dumbest of the Dumbest Moments. Until then, can anyone answer this question: Is there a "hidden" ordinance somewhere stating that the Michell, Timperman and Ritz Architects firm must design every project in town?

New Albany City Council tables River View development request; Method for purchasing bicentennial park property approved, by Daniel Suddeath (OSIN)

The council voted to include the purchase of a lot at the intersection of Pearl and Spring streets for a bicentennial park in the TIF zone. The city was awarded a grant from the Horseshoe Foundation of Floyd County to establish a bicentennial park.

The grant stipulates the city must purchase a site for the park, and put up an additional $250,000 toward building the public facility. The $250,000 match was not included in the resolution OK’d by the council.

The measure originally included making a $400,000 expenditure to revamp the downtown Farmers’ Market a TIF eligible expense. But the council voted to remove the request from the proposal.

The improvements would include the construction of a mirroring structure to match the existing pavilion, as well as a building with bathrooms for the outdoor facility.

The Farmers’ Market is operated by the organization Develop New Albany. The construction estimate was provided by the firm Michell, Timperman and Ritz Architects at the request of the administration.

It's copperhead season again, folks.

Alas, 2011 managed to be a respectable, non-threatening year for almost three whole days.

Now comes the harsh reminder that your holiday officially has ended. The city council meets tonight, and it will perform the usual year's opening housekeeping tasks, including the selection of officers.

Agenda here

I'm just wondering who's going to be appointed to the CESEARS BOARD -- and, by extension, if someone can answer this question: What is a CESEARS BOARD?

But seriously: Council aficionados know that in a municipal election year, the caterwauling and screeching -- the grandstanding, posturing and coiled copperhead preening -- reach fever pitch. There'll be no more entertaining spectacles at such a bargain basement price, and man, I really hate to miss the show tonight, although it is my intention to reschedule future Monday obligations so that attendance can be fully celebrated, and flasks consumed.

Can someone take pictures of the first ejection of the year?