ON THE AVENUES: The end of an error.

ON THE AVENUES: The end of an error.

A weekly web column by Roger A. Baylor.

There’ll be a city council meeting held tonight in the usual shabby, metal-chaired, 1960’s-era space on the third floor of the city-county building, itself a flawed monument to muddled thinking during a post-war period spent proving America’s superiority over the Soviet Union by emulating its architectural non-achievements.

Apart from the possibility of a tacked-on, truncated legislative session on December 28, this will be the final regularly scheduled meeting of 2011, and a last hurrah for three departing council seat holders.

New Albany bids adieu (for now, at least) to at-large council person Jack Messer and the 6th district’s Jeff Gahan, both of whom ran for mayor this year. Gahan won the election, and he will assume the executive position immediately after the huge paper mâché toilet about to be erected on Hauss Square ceremoniously flushes at midnight on December 31. Messer’s political future is as yet uncertain, but I wish him well.

Also passing into the city’s remarkably nefarious history books (thanks, Gregg Seidl) is Steve Price, who in theory has represented the 3rd council district for the past eight years. In practice, Price has yodeled plaintively and ineffectually from a rusty camp stool in the corner of the Luddite Bar & Grill as numerous others worked to make New Albany a better place, invested in its future, and did the heavy lifting necessary to bring the city close to within spitting distance of the 21st century.

Indeed, New Albany has undergone a remarkable transformation over the past eight years, and not only was Steve Price perpetually absent from the process, he actively resisted it every step of the way.

Even as our local Democratic Party’s phalanx of unreconstructed Dixiecrats continued to succumb to advancing age and rampant conceptual confusion, it openly adored Price for his heroic stands against modernity. Democratic leaders smiled benignly, bowed in subservience to Heavrinist orthodoxy, and insisted it could be the party both of Barack Obama and Li’l Stevie. However, in the May primary, Greg Phipps toppled the recumbent incumbent with the ease of a weed whacker slicing through unwanted dandelions in a slumlord’s dilapidated backyard.

Little was learned, and no one was saved, but who really cares? Price is gone.

Let’s all flush, shall we?

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Yes, and then there are the denizens of Troglodyte Nation, already gathered around their kitchen tables of venerable, cracked linoleum, demanding that the incoming mayor honor his campaign promises to his core constituency of embittered wee ones, or else they’ll … uh, maybe climb atop some discarded phone books and drink more Bud Light, or something like that.

The little people will be disappointed soon enough, seeing as mayor-elect Gahan will have far more important agendas to pursue than Professor Erika’s demand for blood purges, war trials and the public drawing and quartering of certain previously elected (and appointed) officials for past offenses.

Throughout history, revolutionary juggernauts have rolled excitedly into the capital city, aiming to remove every trace of the previous regime, and almost without exception, it soon becomes apparent that without somebody trained to keep the lights on, it gets tiresome trying to read edicts in the dark.

Furthermore, looking back at Gahan’s recently concluded campaign, there’s very little to suggest that populist radicalism is about to seize the levers (in New Albany, the toothpicks) of power. Following is the simple, effective mantra prefacing Gahan’s whopping 64% majority:

In order to become a better community as a whole, we should come together to focus on three major goals: being physically cleaner, financially stronger, and fundamentally better.

V.I. Lenin’s screed it ain’t.

Granted, the primary objects of troglodyte displeasure will be departing (except for the author, of course). New Albany won’t have a deputy mayor to kick around any longer, and there’ll be a new city attorney, with Stan Robison replacing Shane Gibson. Three-term chief executive Doug England is headed into retirement, presumably short-lived, with sufficient time to plot the next astonishing comeback.

There’ll be the usual reshuffling, and improvements in management capability always have the potential to elevate performance, but in the end, 90% or more of those currently on the city’s employment rolls will remain there. For the next four years, in ways great and small, New Albany will be playing much the same hand. As dealers go, how will Mayor Gahan play the game? We’re about to find out.

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Speaking as a resident of the 3rd council district, 2011 was a year of supreme, ultimate vindication. We always knew that Price could not survive a primary in which he faced only one opponent. Eight years of Price’s minority rule ended when Phipps took 57% of the vote, and now we can move ahead, toward long overdue representation. I’m feeling all gushy and (lower case) democratic, for once.

In terms of local politics, the forthcoming year should be immensely entertaining, with all those Dixiecrats pretending to be Democrats scrambling with all their declining might to support whatever non-entity the GOP eventually nominates to run against Obama, who’ll lose here big-time in spite of the city’s alleged Democratic majority -- even if the sitting Floyd County Republican chieftain, Mr. Matthews, will remain unable to capitalize on these gifts constantly handed to him by the Retrocrats.

Is it Happy Hour yet?

August 19 city council 3: Craig's gallant last stand against Communism, Atheism and Historical Preservation.

(Note: Satire and fatigue may creep into the following, so please don’t take it as pure news reporting. Such reporting generally does no good in New Albany, anyway)

Local property owner Ron Craig spoke during public comment time last night. Craig said that he’s been in business for a long time and recently had a property in need of repair, one located within the boundaries of a historical preservation district (on Market Street).

In 2008, he began covering the house in vinyl siding because it’s cheaper than paint, and how can anyone mandate paint when vinyl’s cheaper? This is 'Merica, right? More succinctly, this is New Albany, the place that good taste forgot -- right? Isn’t the idea to reclaim such buildings as inexpensively as possible and enable more quadplexes?

Craig promptly received a cease and desist order from the Historical Preservation Commission, itself approved by a previous council to administer standards in a delineated area … yes, an area approved by a previous council. In other words, laws had been written, a governing body established, and now, two years ago, property owner Craig is reminded of the existence of such things as laws, reacting to this belated discovery in the time-honored way: By ignoring them, and daring the city's (non) enforcement to materialize out of nowhere.

Duly outraged, he persisted with work in spite of being told he was violating a law of which he was ignorant, willfully or otherwise, and I’m reminded that the last time I told a cop that I was not aware of the law, my excuse was dismissed faster than Steve Price shuts the cover of a book with too many three-syllable words in it, and a citation was issued.

Remarkably, Craig's bluff was called.

And so, Craig hired the once-relevant lawyer Krafty John, who specializes in tricky zoning cases, and lawsuits were filed, and because the owner of Pastimes also violated the rules by tearing down a structure sans permission, and had his bluff called, too, he’s now in bed with Craig to rouse the oppressed masses against the monstrous tyranny of historical preservation, and when Craig asked everyone in the room who’d been viciously screwed by the ungodly HPC to stand and be counted, a grand total of two people actually did.

Somewhere, Todd Coleman cheered and pressed a button to erect another blow-up doll to announce a used furniture sale.

Because Li’L Stevie now sings karaoke for pickled bologna and Budweiser at the bar in question, he’s also keen to do away with these damned stinking laws foisted on us by the VFW-hating, pinko-Nazi eyeglasses wearers with degrees who he wouldn’t rent a couch to if they begged him for lice-ridden upholstery and a gentle lullaby.

When I stood to be recognized as among those having positive experiences with HPC, and noted aloud that I was under the impression that ignorance of the law should be laughed at, not accepted as a valid excuse, Price began waving his guitar pick at me and dry-mouthing impolite utterances in my general direction.

Welcome back my friends, to the show that NEVER ends.

In some fashion, it appears the city council now wants to appease the law breakers by curbing the zealotry of historical preservation and appointing a council member to the board, or in some yet undisclosed way interfering with its own useful enforcement creation without contributing to the enforcement, or by having any intelligible discussion that might lead us to believe there is a genuine issue with historical preservation, apart from Price’s anti-world-of-all-knowledge infantile blathering and the obviously biased testimony of two or three people who believe that not knowing about a law’s existence exempts them from compliance.

Except that Dan Coffey, who brought up HPC in the newspaper, voted against the ordinance, and Bob Caesar – striving as ever to oppose the best interests of his own neighborhood – voted for it. Price, who used to sleep through Urban Enterprise Area meetings and doodle on newspapers when not openly yawning, would be an ideal choice to oversee the activities of a body that he'll never understand. That's the New Albany way, isn't it?

Try figuring any of it. As Craig himself noted, “I guess it depends on how you look at it.”

Yes and no, but at least by your testimony, Ron, you provided support for the notion that rental property ownership is a business, not a product, and for that I’m grateful. Tell it to that dude up in the Knobs, will you?

Price reveals plan for new, improved City Hall.

NEW ALBANY -- Responding to criticism that he’s always against things and never for them, 3rd district councilman Steve Price took five minutes from his weekly State of the Front Porch address to introduce his plan for a new City Hall for New Albany.


“It’s just the right size for the government we need,” said Price between strums. “The best part is that it’s up on blocks, just like the whole town. But I’ll keep grammaw’s cookie jar at my place, up on the shelf where them people can’t reach it.”

“I think we need to put some new vinyl siding on it,” added Price, “even if those preservation people don’t like it. First, I gotta be sure they paid their sewer hookups.”

The press conference ended when Price began performing "Roll Another Number for the Road," a song from Neil Young's 1975 album, Tonight's the Night.

(Photo credit: Mr. M)

Open thread: Steve Price, castes, White Castles and class warfare?

At another blog, in defense of 3rd district councilman Steve Price, a veiled pundit wrote these words. I've omitted the parts that hector me for incessant drinking, which is something I'm far better at doing myself, rather than to rely on anonymous, cannabic nannies to do it for me.

You need to respect other classes of people who may not have the education you have, the money you have, etc. Some people do with what they have and if they are a laid back person playing music, taking care of his business, talking with taxpayers in a lower caste than you, I say more power to him. There but for the Grace of God goes a lot of us.

And so, we return to the notion of Steve Price as fearless class warrior, heroically ensuring egalitarianism through shared deprivation. Is this really the case, or is it just another label for too broke to fix?

Is Price protecting the Little People, preventing their progress, or just too oblivious to know the difference?

As he has noted in the past, am I "arrogant" for asking him to pronounce a person's name correctly?

If you have a viewpoint, please let us know.

Here are the three finalists for our caption contest: "What Otis said."

Matt Nash
"Mr. Price says I can trade in this cow for some nickels and dimes and a handful of magic beans."

SBAvanti63
"So there are potty police. Well, this is my pet, Sewer. He's a cash cow."

bluegill
"But Steve told me to get a big ol' dog. There's criminals around here."

Thanks to readers who suggested a caption. The senior editor has chosen his top three, and now you can vote for the winner. Indicate your preference in the comments section.

Original post: Caption contest: What Otis said.

Caption contest: What Otis said.

We've heard about CM Price's recent bout of Mayberry-envy, which included a reference to today's police being too harsh on those unfortunates nabbed for public intoxication, but in the composite photo above, what is Otis saying in response?

Submit your entries as a comment. The senior editor chooses the winner, and the grand prize is a Progressive Pint at the Bank Street Brewhouse.

One fine morning in the open air museum.

A few minutes ago, I was sitting on my porch smoking a cigar when a shattering noise was heard in the wake of a passing (speeding) car. It proved to be an empty bottle of Miller High Life. I went inside, got the broom and dustpan, and cleaned up the large chunks as best I could, adding other bits of trash that had collected since yesterday, when I mowed and cleaned the perimeter.

I've no special buts of wisdom to offer on this topic. Since time began, responsible citizens have been obliged to tidy up after irresponsible assholes, and so it goes. One accepts it as part of the burden of being human, which includes the cherished right to procreate at will, irrespective of the consequences.

Still, questions do occur to me.

How come an examination of the remains of bottles tossed from passing cars by assholes never reveals a Chimay, Schlenkerla or Thomas Hardy's label?

Is it because they understand the need to decant good beers and refrain from quaffing directly from the bottle, but are unwilling to challenge the open container law by carrying proper glassware in their cars?

Unlikely. I gotta go bike to work, and dodge those SUVs along the way.