ON THE AVENUES: Brother, Can You Spare $12,500?

ON THE AVENUES: Brother, Can You Spare $12,500?

By ROGER BAYLOR
Local Columnist

(As we pull back the moth-eaten curtains on a makeshift television studio squeezed into the back corner of the City-County Building’s hardscrabble 3rd floor, our bloodshot eyes are assaulted with cheesy psychedelic strobes and out-of-focus camera angles. A tall man emerges from the shadows, and the studio audience begins whistling and cheering. The intensity is at frantic, near-Board of Zoning Appeals levels as the Rumors hit the final note of “Margaritaville” and all those Bics begin flicking)

Karl Maalox:
Welcome to another edition of Ask the UEA, the quiz show that answers the question: “Hey pal, do you have any spare change?” I’m your host, Karl Maalox, joined by Mike Ladd, the Urban Enterprise Association’s eternally nominal director.

Ladd:
Nominal? But I …

Maalox:
Hey, I’m just kidding, Mike – like when the mayor and I have a few gratis drinks over at the country club and talk about how we’re going to put you on a slow boat to China. We’re not laughing with you, buddy!

(audience chortles)

Ladd:
Well as long as …

Maalox:
But enough of this jocularity! It’s time to get down to the agenda items at hand, so let’s get down to grants and donations. Here to introduce our first contestant of the day is our new favorite co-producer of a studio announcer, Parson Clere!

(polite applause)

Parson Clere:
Thank you, Carl. You know, the Fourth of July has passed, but the fireworks aren’t over. Fireworks can be entertaining, but they can also be harmful, and such is the case with some of the political fireworks that keep going off, and because my esteemed political idol, Mitch Daniels, inspired me to seek this job, I’d like you to welcome our first guest on Ask the UEA: Mr. Historical Preservation himself, Bob Vilakula!

(more polite applause)

Maalox:
(Nudging and winking) Welcome to the show, Bob! And as a reminder to the studio audience, Bob was chosen yet again, entirely at random!

Vilakula:
Thanks Karl, and thank you so much, Parson Clere. It’s some coincidence to be back on the 3rd floor. You know what we say over at Landmarks: The UEA’s the show with the only remaining dough!

(crowd oohs and aahs)

Ladd:
What was … ?

Maalox:
(Beaming and nodding in the direction of a gigantic off-stage hook) Aw, don’t mind him, Bob. He’s not really here – at least he won’t be for long. Okay, we know you always come prepared with a great question, so go ahead and Ask the UEA – and don’t forget to ask nicely!

(wild applause)

Vilakula:
All right, Carl, my question for the UEA is, “We have a preservation project, so give us some of your money, or else.”

(hand-picked crowd of selfless volunteers laughs and cheers)

Ladd:
But that’s not a question at all!

Maalox:
(Waving off Ladd) All right, folks – it seems the UEA has chosen to appeal. Goody goody! As you all know, in case of an appeal, we must ask the official judge for a ruling. Oh, judge, where are you … look, there he comes … here comes the judge -- over there!

(Maalox gestures off-camera, then quickly dons his Mayor Shetland mask when the audience looks away)

Maalox/Shetland:
Look, here I am. I’m the judge, and I’m ready to rock.

Ladd:
Karl, you’re wearing a Groucho mask. You’re not the mayor.

Maalox/Shetland:
No, it’s me, definitely me, Mayor Shetland here, and since I can’t actually be here tonight, I’ll have to get back with you about whatever it is you want.

(Maalox drops the mask and kicks it away while pirouetting)

Maalox:
Meanwhile, I, er, Mayor Shetland would like for me to convey to you that the UEA’s answer was incorrect, and must be rephrased correctly, or else the city will cease doing any official business with UEA board members who dare to vote against it. Mike, in order for Bob to win the $12,500 jackpot as planned, you must respond, “Yes sir, Mr. Vilakula, how much money do you need from the UEA?”

Ladd:
But our organizational charter …

Bystander:
Screw the charter! Give ‘em the cash! Way to go, Guido! It’s about time.

(a pompom squad materializes out of nowhere)

"Sit in the car
Press on the gas
Move aside
Let DNA pass"

Ladd:
What are you guys doing here? This is my show, damn it.

DNA:
We’re Develop New Albany, and we approve this message. Besides, we get to ask the next question. How else do you think we’d be able to afford a paid staff person?

Ladd:
This is an outrage!

Maalox:
Duh! Of course it is, Mike, but after all, this also is New Albany, and we only have five months left before our world comes to a premature end. Now if you would, please make the UEA’s check out to “Business As Usual”, and run along like a good outsider.

(chaos now descends as the Bobbing for UEA Dollars segment gets underway)

Maalox:
I’m afraid we’re out of time. Parson Clere, can you pass me that set of thumbscrews? I don’t suppose any of you have an ice-cold Big Flats, do you … come here, Mike – you can run, but you can’t hide …

Dan Coffey:
Wait just one minute … Maalox stole my information! Thief!