Monday, October 03, 2016

BREAKING: City of New Albany transitioning to new civic identity as HarvestHomeComingStan.

Reliable sources among the city’s janitorial staff have informed NA Confidential that Mayor Jeff Gahan has chosen the occasion of Harvest Homecoming’s annual Ecumenical Prayer Service on October 6 to send Mike Hall right on down there with the news that henceforth, the city is to be known as HarvestHomeComingStan.

According to David “Bag Man” Duggins, the city’s economic dishevelment aggregator, the city’s new name is as plain as the anchor on his tramp stamp.

According to Duggins, “It's the ultimate in branding exercises. The Scribners made the best naming choice they could at the time, but had they known about Harvest Homecoming, that dumb ol’ Albany thing would have gone right out the window.”

In a press release, Gahan enumerated the many advantages of HarvestHomeComingStan.

  • No need for downtown street direction decisions when they’re permanently closed for Booth Days, anyway
  • Who doesn’t want those deep fried doughnuts all the year round?
  • The amphitheater will benefit from 52 yearly Louisville Crasher performances
  • Now someone else has to plow the snow
  • The kiddies just love Fiesta Rides, and it helps them learn all about tattooing
  • Who doesn't want to drink Bud Light Lime on a neverending Swill Walk? 
  • Orange is the new black

Asked how the move to a 24/7/365 Harvest Homecoming might affect downtown merchants, Duggins grinned broadly.

“What, are they whining again?”

(Irv Stumler was flowerpotted and unavailable for comment.)

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