Wednesday, November 25, 2015

BREAKING: New Albany’s Mayor Jeff Gahan announces refugee acceptance program, effective immediately.


Indiana Governor Mike Pence’s recent refusal to admit refugees into the state was the last straw for Jeff Gahan, New Albany’s mayor and a future gubernatorial hopeful at Adam Disney World.

“I saw people were suffering, and it’s too cold to use the water slide,” said Gahan on Wednesday as he announced imminent accommodations for up to 300 refugees from the target demographic. “We had to do something humane, whether the county pays its share or not.”

The mayor pointed behind him.

“I know my BFF and constant advisor Greg Fischer is so proud of us here in New Albany,” said Gahan. “We’re breaking wind – I mean water – no wait, ground at Council Flats today for the absolute best luxury millennial resettlement facility that TIF funds can buy.”

“I call it the business of prime refugees, and the open sign is lit, baby.”

Throngs of enthusiastic city employees and party functionaries cheered from the sidewalk adjacent to one-way Spring Street, taking care not to get to close to speeding traffic.

According to David Duggins, who has been named the city’s Bocce and Fiber Optic Coordinator for Refugees, the luxury millennial internment facility has been on the drawing board for a while.

“With all those Syrians going to Louisville, there’ll be nowhere left for millennials to survive in their natural habitat,” yelled Duggins over the din of passing semi rigs. “Mayor Gahan built and manages all these trendy restaurants downtown for a reason, you know, although we could use another espresso bar.”

"It all flows from him," concluded Duggins, "just like the fountains in Bicentennial Park."

Gahan, who said he wasn't finished yet, concluded the brief ceremony by reading a poem he’d written especially for the occasion.

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

“It’s amazing,” sobbed an obviously moved Duggins. “Not only do we have the best mayor ever, who’s the leading element in our society and the straw that stirs my drink, but he writes poetry, too! I mean, I FLUNKED that class in high school – and just look at me now. It’s so beautiful and thought provoking.”

Duggins paused, noticing the red light was off.

“Okay, enough of that shit. Everyone, let’s get over the Roadhouse for some longnecks. Just because those refugees drink craft beer, it doesn’t mean WE have to.”