Tuesday, January 21, 2014

2014 REPRISE: Stop "reaching out" before I tear off your arm.

Seeing as a new year just got under way, a reminder is warranted, because just today, I saw this:

@BellsBrewery #Hopslam is gone unless u have already reached out!”

At work, I receive sales solicitations on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. Most of them are advertising pitches, which are annoying in the best of times. Especially in January, I can rely on LinkedIn to deliver a dozen new "friends," most of whom immediately begin asking me to buy insurance.

However,  other requests are for a wide array of worthy causes, to which I generally respond by donating one of my personal, guided tasting certificates. These tend to do quite well in silent auction formats. Admittedly, I'm finding it a bit tedious to be asked to donate multiple kegs of beer for your crucial fundraisers, but that's a different topic, for another time.

Recently I received an e-mail; names and organizations have been removed to protect those about to be harshly berated.

My name is ( ... ) and I am emailing you on behalf of ( ... ). I wanted to reach out and give you an opportunity to participate in our first annual fundraiser to be held ...

Pay attention, world, and observe these words carefully:

I wanted to reach out ...

That's what I thought you wrote.


You can request, ask, demand, beg, implore or connive, and there's a good chance I will finish reading your words, or listening to you speak your piece.

But, henceforth, any solicitation I receive that bears any trace of this lingustic "reach out" repugnance will be unceremoniously trashed.

You have been warned.

Carry on.

Sorry we can't do business.

(Not really)

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