2014 REPRISE: Stop "reaching out" before I tear off your arm.

Seeing as a new year just got under way, a reminder is warranted, because just today, I saw this:

@BellsBrewery #Hopslam is gone unless u have already reached out!”

At work, I receive sales solicitations on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. Most of them are advertising pitches, which are annoying in the best of times. Especially in January, I can rely on LinkedIn to deliver a dozen new "friends," most of whom immediately begin asking me to buy insurance.

However,  other requests are for a wide array of worthy causes, to which I generally respond by donating one of my personal, guided tasting certificates. These tend to do quite well in silent auction formats. Admittedly, I'm finding it a bit tedious to be asked to donate multiple kegs of beer for your crucial fundraisers, but that's a different topic, for another time.

Recently I received an e-mail; names and organizations have been removed to protect those about to be harshly berated.

My name is ( ... ) and I am emailing you on behalf of ( ... ). I wanted to reach out and give you an opportunity to participate in our first annual fundraiser to be held ...

Pay attention, world, and observe these words carefully:

I wanted to reach out ...

That's what I thought you wrote.

Note that I DETEST THIS CONTEMPTIBLE, LAZY, MBA PROGRAM USAGE!

You can request, ask, demand, beg, implore or connive, and there's a good chance I will finish reading your words, or listening to you speak your piece.

But, henceforth, any solicitation I receive that bears any trace of this lingustic "reach out" repugnance will be unceremoniously trashed.

You have been warned.

Carry on.

Sorry we can't do business.

(Not really)

Check your spelling, C-J slackers ... and watch that arm.

Owing to the terminal cuteness of the church's self-identification as a "fire and rain" kind of place, the proper spelling of the word circled above is obvious.

It should be "retched."

But just in case you chose "reached," don't forget ...

2013 REPRISE: Stop "reaching out" before I tear off your arm.

2013 REPRISE: Stop "reaching out" before I tear off your arm.

Seeing as a new year just got under way, a reminder is warranted.

At work, I receive sales solicitations on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. Most of them are advertising pitches, which are annoying in the best of times. Especially in January, I can rely on LinkedIn to deliver a dozen new "friends," most of whom immediately begin asking me to buy insurance.

However,  other requests are for a wide array of worthy causes, to which I generally respond by donating one of my personal, guided tasting certificates. These tend to do quite well in silent auction formats. Admittedly, I'm finding it a bit tedious to be asked to donate multiple kegs of beer for your crucial fundraisers, but that's a different topic, for another time.

Recently I received an e-mail; names and organizations have been removed to protect those about to be harshly berated.

My name is ( ... ) and I am emailing you on behalf of ( ... ). I wanted to reach out and give you an opportunity to participate in our first annual fundraiser to be held ...

Pay attention, world, and observe these words carefully:

I wanted to reach out ...

That's what I thought you wrote.

Note that I DETEST THIS CONTEMPTIBLE, LAZY, TRENDY USAGE!

You can request, ask, demand, beg, implore or connive, and there's a good chance I will finish reading your words, or listening to you speak your piece.

But, henceforth, any solicitation I receive that bears any trace of this lingustic "reach out" repugnance will be unceremoniously trashed.

You have been warned.

Carry on.

Sorry we can't do business.

Not really.

REPRISE: Stop "reaching out" before I tear your arm off.

Seeing as the year just got under way, a reminder is warranted.

At work, I receive sales solicitations on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. Many of them are advertising pitches, which are annoying in the best of times. However, many others are for a wide array of worthy causes, to which I generally respond by donating one of my personal, guided tasting certificates. These tend to do quite well in silent auction formats.

Admittedly, I'm finding it a bit tedious to be asked to donate multiple kegs of beer for your fundraisers, but that's a different topic, for another time.

Recently I received an e-mail; names and organizations have been removed to protect those about to be harshly berated.

My name is ( ... ) and I am emailing you on behalf of ( ... ). I wanted to reach out and give you an opportunity to participate in our first annual fundraiser to be held ...

Pay attention, world, and observe these words carefully:

I wanted to reach out ...

That's what I thought you wrote.

Note that I DETEST THIS CONTEMPTIBLE, LAZY, TRENDY USAGE!

You can request, ask, demand, beg, implore or connive, and there's a good chance I will finish reading your words, or listening to you speak your piece.

But, henceforth, any solicitation I receive that bears any trace of this lingustic "reach out" repugnance will be unceremoniously trashed.

You have been warned. Carry on. Sorry we can't do business. Not really.

Let's rant for a bit on opportunistic sales buzzards ...

Apart from all other considerations, it's grimly humorous to note the noticeable changes in the composition of attendees during those first two Tuesday morning "emergency" Merchant Mixer meetings, which took place at the Grand in the immediate wake of the Sherman Minton Bridge's closing on September 9.

During the first meeting, there were more business owners and the usual collection of concerned parties from government and non-profits. At the second meeting, there were fewer locals and more carrion-pickers, i.e., sales people of varying stripes looking to capitalize on anxiety by means of their proven records of successfully extracting money for advertising schemes, coupon giveaways, and social media ... whatever.

Over the weekend, a representative from Clear Channel (the radio monopoly, not Amy Adams' political fluffability barometer) contacted us with a sure-fire radio advertising plan to ease the pain of Shermageddon.

This is as good a time as any to remind her and others:

(1) There'll be no audiences for anyone who uses the term "Shermageddon," because it is what was avoided when the bridge was closed for repairs, and it did not actually occur. Exaggeration is bad, and tacky exaggeration borne of societal self-illiteracy is worse.

(2) As noted previously ...

Stop "reaching out" before I tear your arm off.

(3) Do not speak to me of coupons: Coupon Sites Are a Great Deal, but Not Always to Merchants.

What's that? You say you know the secret to small business success, and all I must do is pay you for it? But it you knew the secret, why aren't you in business yourself?

That's what I thought. Bye.