Dude, I Just Want to Join the Neighborhood Association – and Other Remarkable Tales from the New Albany Re-NAY-ssance.

Hello, I’d like to rejoin the South Bling Street Neighborhood Association.

Praise Gahan; that’s wonderful. Do you live within the boundaries of the Neighborhood Association?

I’ve lived in the same house for 13 years.

That’s what they all say. To process your application, we’ll need to see a payment book, proof of tangible wealth or as a last resort, a deed .

But I live only two doors down from you!

This ain't Silver Hills, bub. We have to be sure you’re not a slumlord, a poor person, or even worse, a progressive. It’s not our rule, it’s the new ordinance.

What new ordinance?

Z-BR-549, the Omnibus Neighborhood Association Purity Act of 2017.

But it isn’t 2017 yet.

It doesn’t matter – we already bought the votes for it.

I thought you said it wasn’t YOUR rule.

I never said that. Anyhow, Knucksie Duggins wrote the checks. By the way, you’re not friends with Jeff Gillenwater, are you?

Is that a rule, too?

It should be. Look, shouldn’t you be joining the Midtown Neighborhood Association instead? It’s closer to your house.

But it’s defunct.

Exactly.

And I seem to recall that you’re the ones who put it out of business.

Listen, if you already know the answers, why keep asking questions? Big Daddy G doesn’t like questions, not at all. It makes him mean, and then the phone rings at 2:00 a.m.

Who is Big Daddy G?

If you have to ask, you’ll never know. Try to understand; if we don’t do exactly what Big Daddy says, we’ll never get what we want.

Have you gotten what you want?

Not really, but this time he promised – and I know he means it, because he took those stupid confusing bike paths out of the two-way street plan, so we’ve got that going for us.

I see. Have you ever biked?

Seriously? In that traffic? On second thought, wouldn’t you feel more comfortable with Silver Grove’s neighborhood association? They have plenty of malcontents over there, too, and they don’t exist, either.

Let’s start over. I have $5, and I want to join the South Bling Street Neighborhood Association. Do you want my money, or not?

How do you know the dues are $5?

I'm not sure. Maybe I saw it on the web site.

That’s a bald-faced lie. Our web site doesn’t have that or any other information. If you go putting membership information on-line, then every Tom, Dick and Greg in the neighborhood will want to join -- and then what?

Isn’t that what you want?

It’s not about me – it’s about Big Daddy G. You know, his helper Adam helped us with the settings on social media, and now we’re no longer bothered by pesky comments or questions.

Can I join or not?

If you insist, yes, but you can’t attend meetings, receive e-mails or come to the Christmas party. That's a real steal at only five dollars a year.

Here’s a $5 bill.

Sorry, I don’t have any change. Do you have a credit card?

Yes, here it is.

Oops – my Square is down. Have any coins?

Yes.

Great. That’ll be a dollar in pennies, two dollars in nickels, five dimes if it’s a full moon ... got any Euros?

What about a roll of quarters, and I can join for two years?

(glares)

Right. Big Daddy G doesn’t like paying it forward. Just tell me why I can’t join the South Bling Street Neighborhood Association when my house is right in the middle of it and I have the membership dues.

Truthfully, Long Tall Shane says your security clearance comes up beet red.

Who is he?

Long Tall Shane's the gatekeeper, and he collects the fines for multi-syllable violations – shit, how many syllables did I just use?

You're safe. What does a beet red security clearance mean?

It means you’re a grave and persistent threat to crassly exploit actual facts to score extremely cheap points for your pet agenda of fairness, transparency and urban empowerment.

So they really do read my blog, huh?

Every single word. Now, we all know you're toast, so let’s talk turkey. Have you considered leaving town? We’re authorized to pay YOU if you’ll move away.

How much?

Five dollars is the going rate.

That’s not very much.

Well, Big Daddy G is the most profound accounting genius in municipal history, but even he can't get blood out of every TIF bond.

Thanks. I’m glad we had this talk. I have just one question.

What’s that?

Can he get that $5 out of EDIT instead?

DNA scoop: We'd tout Wal-Mart if it paid membership dues.

The only reason for bringing this up another time is that a year ago, Develop New Albany expressed a willingness to be the comprehensive information consolidator and disseminator for all downtown non-profits, organizations and presumably, businesses. I heard it with my own two ears.

Since then, it apparently was decided to construct what amounts to a reverse paywall by requiring membership in DNA to generate social media touts. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with that, apart from it contradicting DNA's previous stated aim to be inclusive. As revealed in the Fb exchange below (note the abrupt shift in tone from the real estate agent Fb poster in the first reply to someone real in the second and third), it also means that Wal-Mart now ranks as highly as the Frenchman in DNA's strange reckoning -- and that's highly disturbing. If DNA purports to be about downtown, then the Frenchman beats Wally World, every single time.

One gets the impression that DNA's tiny core of decision-makers don't always think these things out. And that's why I bring it up. If DNA's community "services" are to become pay/membership based, one can argue that the organization then disqualifies itself from being official or even semi-official in any capacity, insofar as city funding is concerned, or city sanction. It's just another non-profit, and should not pretend to be otherwise.

Now, can DNA explain to us how those Pillar aware winners are determined? The Green Mouse says there isn't an election, just selection over coffee. True or false?

---

Roger A. Baylor 
Give 'em a hand, folks. At least this one's in New Albany.

Develop New Albany 
Yes, we share Schuler Bauer because they are a member of ours.

Roger A. Baylor
Thanks for replying. Could you take this opportunity to update readers on the posting policy for DNA at Fb? Who can participate? Who cannot? What are the criteria? Are you still deleting some comments and discussions? If WalMart joined DNA, would you share its messages, too? Thanks again for replying.

Jameson Bledsoe
I personally don't know who's administering DNA's FB page, but helping promote available New Albany properties is a great idea, and an idea that should go beyond just Schuler Bauer, especially since DNA receives tax support. There needs to be a link on DNA's website linking to HistoricNewAlbany.com.

Develop New Albany wrote: 
Hi Roger what we did with our Facebook page was make it an outlet for our members to post specials and things about their business. Our office administer friends their page then she copies them to our page anyone should be able to comment on them because that is what we are doing now. We fixed the problem with comments and discussions being deleting I hope. Yes if WalMart joined we would post their items if they wanted us to because this is a perk of being a Develop New Albany member, I do not see them becoming a member but at least their membership money would help our other fellow members which to me is not bad if they are willing. We have our website area under the polling section for anyone and everyone to comment and are always looking for questions to post, please let us know what you would like us to poll and we will post it (within reason please)! Thank you for inquiring.

Develop New Albany
Hi Jameson not sure what tax support we receive? Our funds come from membership and some grants that we have been approved for, I will have to check if there are other sources - thank you.

Tricentennial Ale, available at Exclusively New Albany on June 20.

Recently I've been musing aloud about the wetting of beaks, and the persistence of various modes of behavior. The digression began here:

NABC and Exclusively New Albany: What would YOU do?

 ... Exclusively New Albany is a "signature" event, meaning that only those businesses paying dues as members of DNA have the right to vend for cash (as would be the case with full pours of craft beer from NABC). All others are invited to participate as samples-only delegates, and donate product.

It was renewed here:

An alternative model; conversely, let's just drink some good beer and let it go.

 ... Look, I know DNA won't entertain my suggestion, and furthermore, I understand that the whole event vending "rule" scheme is constructed to be a sweetheart deal for a friend of the non-transparent former regime, which still holds sway in spite of the welcome change in leadership.

It is my pleasure to report that the impasse has been artfully resolved. At the Exclusively New Albany event on June 20, you will find two types of NABC beer being vended by full, adult-sized pour, for which cash money will be gratefully accepted. One of the taps has yet to be announced. The other definitely will be Tricentennial Ale, providing those in attendance the opportunity to drink Post-Colonial Ale in a pleasant, streetside setting ... and by popular demand, I'll be there to talk beer.

All it took was an idea man ... and I thank him.

An alternative model; conversely, let's just drink some good beer and let it go.

Karaoke by Li'l Stevie at Exclusively New Albany, 2012

I posed the question earlier last week.

NABC and Exclusively New Albany: What would YOU do?

Exclusively New Albany is a "signature" event, meaning that only those businesses paying dues as members of DNA have the right to vend for cash (as would be the case with full pours of craft beer from NABC). All others are invited to participate as samples-only delegates, and donate product.

I've been thinking about this. The point isn't about the relative pittance that a vendor might earn from such a gig. It's about conceptual consistency of the sort so elusive here in New Albany.

Develop New Albany's rule (whether or not the rule actually exists on paper anywhere, which is doubtful) is that only those entities with a paid membership in DNA can vend for profit at a DNA signature event.

To join DNA for just one event would cost $250 dollars. The only event that DNA even stages during the course of the year, as structured to provide any semblance of a vending opportunity, is Exclusively New Albany, and so in essence, there is a $250 fee to vend at this solitary event.

(Another obvious question: DNA runs the Farmers Market, where few of the weekly vendors are members of DNA; where there is no requirement to be a member; and where the fee for weekly vending is far less. How then does the Farmers Market fit into this equation?)

My original proposal to DNA was to allow us to sell full pours of NABC beers at Exclusively New Albany, rather than pour small gratis samples, given that the vast majority of event attendees who like our beers are drinking full pours of them regularly, anyway, and would prefer to do so at DNA's event rather than cans of Bud Light or Heineken -- neither of which fit into anyone's conception of localism, a doctrine that DNA purportedly seeks to expound (for example) at the Farmers Market ... and what does "exclusively New Albany" mean if not emphasizing items and ideas unique to here, as opposed to emanating from Leuven or Amsterdam?

But I digress.

My pouring proposal is to allow NABC to "pay to play," though not by imposing a yearly membership fee on the vendor, up front. Rather, I'd bring kegs, pour beers and share a percentage of the after-cost proceeds with DNA. Depending on the amount of beer sold, the return to DNA conceivable would be more than the flat $250 fee. Probably not, but the point is that such a model would encourage vendors like me to push some product, make some money for themselves, and provide consideration to the sponsoring organization to wet its beak, all at the same time. You know, rather like capitalism is supposed to work.

Look, I know DNA won't entertain my suggestion, and furthermore, I understand that the whole event vending "rule" scheme is constructed to be a sweetheart deal for a friend of the non-transparent former regime, which still holds sway in spite of the welcome change in leadership. At the end of the day, it just isn't very beneficial of me to give samples of beer away at a venue where most of the folks in attendance already know the product line. Besides that, craft beer brewers are trying to move away from non-remunerative sample models like that of Exclusively New Albany.

Our friend who lives right next door to the Exclusively New Albany venue has been gracious in offering the use of her yard on the night of the DNA event. My inclination at the moment, if she's still willing, is to set up a keg there on June 20, and have our own little party. Think of the clever Poorcastle Festival.

The beer and food will be on me. If you'll be attending Exclusively New Albany, just stop by and have a good local beer before or after. It sounds like an equitable compromise to me, with no money changing hands, and it will make the mass-market swill at the event go down far easier. We'll be talking about two-way streets, housing rehabs and Houndmouth.

Stay tuned for further details.