Time for another Caption Contest: "Mayor in the Open Air."

Thanks to CA for the prompt. The last Caption Contest came back in May, and I'm not sure whether a winner was declared, although in New Gahania, every 1's a winner, baby -- that's no lie.

Caption contest! Papa Ga's got a brand new bag, and he's fixin' to PREsent it.

Ten weeks later, the suit's the same, but check out the exciting new erection on the church.

"Padgett: Viagra for the Spire" ... photo credit: Indiana Landmarks.

SHANE'S EXCELLENT NEW WORDS: Sardonic.

Welcome to another installment of SHANE'S EXCELLENT NEW WORDS, a regular Wednesday feature at NA Confidential.

But why all these new words?

Why not the old, familiar, comforting words, like the ones you're sure to hear at Democratic Party fundraising bowl-a-thons?

It's because a healthy vocabulary isn't about intimidation through erudition. Rather, it's about selecting the right word and using it correctly, whatever one's pay grade or station in life.

Even remuneration-engorged municipal corporate attorneys are eligible for this enlightening expansion of personal horizons, and really, as we await an explanation that will never come as to why City Hall insists on awarding no-bid monopolies to Louisville companies, when our own community has the know-how to do it ourselves, all we have is deadening stretches of down-low time -- and the opportunity to learn something, if we're so inclined.

The adjective "sardonic" is a perennial favorite, and one that lies very close to the front of any responsible New Gahanian resident's Book of How to Cope.

sardonic
[sahr-don-ik]

adjective

1. characterized by bitter or scornful derision; mocking; cynical; sneering.

Origin of sardonic
1630-40; alteration of earlier sardonian (influenced by French sardonique) < Latin sardoni(us) (< Greek sardónios of Sardinia) + -an; alluding to a Sardinian plant which when eaten was supposed to produce convulsive laughter ending in death.

It's almost a default condition among the ruled.

"I flashed a sardonic grin when my councilman referred to me as a malcontent, and reminded him that his undemocratic principles were showing."

Caption contest! Papa Ga's got a brand new bag, and he's fixin' to PREsent it.

The photo comes courtesy of Develop New Albany.

The scene is Gospel Bird's ribbon cutting, scheduled in the morning so as to avoid frightening customers during Happy Hour.

In the rear, you can see the Town Clock Church, being rebuilt in part with public money, while across the street are Bill "Shitlord" Allen's structures, becoming dilapidated without private money.

Main Street is two-way but non-calmed. The mayor's standard issue Soviet-era suit is freshly pressed and redolent of Bud Light.

Now, let's have a caption.

"To issue a City "press release" that simply quotes a monopoly service provider about "increased download speeds," without understanding the claim, allows that monopoly continued control over a vital city service."

The Green Mouse has many friends. One of them submitted this commentary after viewing yesterday's mayoral press release:

Internet Speed Increases Coming to New Albany TWC Customers

Nearly a week ago, Time Warner Cable announced that it was offering a six-fold boost in broadband speed to customers in Louisville and Jeffersonville at no cost to its customers. The City of New Albany is very pleased to announce that those same increases will be brought to customers in New Albany at no cost.

“Since as early as 2013, I have pushed for increased internet speeds, and recognize the economic impact that this infrastructure can bring to a community,” stated Mayor Gahan. “We are very happy that Time Warner Cable will be extending this speed increase to New Albany.”

Not that Gahan even once publicly acknowledged as much during the entirety of his 2015 re-election campaign.

As Frank Zappa once said, "Take it away, Bob."

---

Mayor Gahan hasn't done anything to increase internet speeds in New Albany. Time Warner Cable is "increasing internet speeds at no charge" because so many are cutting their cable TV service, opting instead to stream TWC data and video to their computers, watching downloaded movies instead of cable channels.

But the majority of New Albany residents won't see any difference in the "faster speeds". Why? Most folks in New Albany use old modems that aren't capable of using the new data stream rates.

And that's where Time Warner will clean up. In city after city, where Time Warner has rolled out the "TWC Maxx" service that Mayor Gahan mentions, they are charging up to an additional $ 100 - $ 125 per year for the newly necessary modem. That's not faster internet "at no charge."

Even though Time Warner says "there is no change in the price of Time Warner Cable Internet plans, although speeds have increased," New Albany citizens won't see an increase in their cable download speeds without the new TWC modems. Surprise!

And that's where Mayor Gahan is simply missing the overall point about the importance of internet service to the future of New Albany.

As Mayor, he could demand far greater services from the city's monopoly cable provider (Time Warner Cable) when the franchise comes up for renewal. Progressive cities have made TWC provide a host of services for free in order to keep their franchise in those cities.

Philadelphia recently negotiated with Comcast, that city's cable provider. In a series of hearings before the city council, Comcast commited to providing more funding to Philadelphia schools and taking steps to close the digital divide. This makes Philadelphia’s cable franchise a model for other communities across the nation.

The city has an "Internet Essentials" program that includes low-income seniors. Comcast has also committed to providing resources for technology education in Philadelphia schools and to ensuring basic living-wage protections for all its local employees.

Seattle negotiated its existing cable contract to include

• Discounted Internet for low-income seniors
• Increased grant money from $50,000 for one year, to $500,000 over five years, for digital equity programs to bring Internet service to more people
• Laptops for youth at risk of losing their homes

The existing negotiated contract in Seattle already included benefits that Comcast gives the city:

• 600 free Internet connections to nonprofits
• $8 million to support public, education and government channels
• Free cable to government and schools
• Discounted cable TV for low-income households
• Discounted Internet service for families with children who qualify for free or reduced lunch

Seattle's discounted Internet service is $9.95 per month for very basic speeds.

To issue a City "press release" that simply quotes a monopoly service provider about "increased download speeds" without understanding the claim allows that monopoly continued control over a vital city service. The City Council, working with Mayor Gahan could use their power to hold Time Warner's feet to the fire and make them provide more than the bare minimum, but they aren't.

The City "press release" quotes Time Warner: "We will boost Internet speeds for customers up to six times faster, dramatically improve the TV product…"

They aren't talking about helping businesses in New Albany with data streaming. They're talking about consumers of TV and movies. When Mayor Gahan says that he "recognize(s) the economic impact that this infrastructure (?) can bring to a community," he may well be worried.

Businesses large enough to fill the soon empty Pillsbury plant need reliable, high-speed upload data streams. Clark County has fiber optic internet data streaming now. Large corporations will continue to locate where they can better compete and communicate - Clark County.

This press release doesn't claim there will be a significant boost in upload speeds. TWC claims a 400% increase, but 4 MB per second boosted to 12-16 MB per second doesn't put you in the same league as Clarksville and Jeffersonville. To illustrate the point - downloading movies - a New Albany resident needs 10.5 minutes to download a movie with Time Warner but a Clarksville resident needs only 8 seconds to download the same movie using fiber optic internet.

Cable franchise renewal has been used by many cities in America to make a real difference in their residents' quality of life. New Albany's Mayor and the City Council should do the same.

New Albany City Council Power Poll: Banker Blair set to benefit from Coffey's defection.

As the yawns of "what took him so long" continue to echo through the frozen expanse of Break Wind Lofts at Duggins Flats, and as Dan Coffey begins his new life just the same as the old life -- all for him and him over all -- let's take a glance at the new and revised ...

NEW ALBANY CITY COUNCIL POWER POLL 

(Note that in this breakdown of party affiliation, we're taking them at their word, because the number of actual Democrats in New Albany is far fewer than zero).

4 Democrats: Caesar, Phipps, McLaughlin, Nash

3 Republicans: Aebersold, Barksdale, Knable

2 Independents: Blair, Coffey

Coffey says he's no longer a Democrat, but his hand's still being held out in case Jeff Gahan decides to fess up and grease it.

"I don't want this to be a reflection of how I feel about our current mayor or any other elected city officeholder."

Of course you don't, Dan, rather like when you didn't mean anything at all by "tiptoe through the tulips" as directed toward a fellow council member -- wink wink, nudge nudge.

But Gahan's long history of vindictiveness is well documented, and sources say he was genuinely surprised by Coffey's subconscious uncoupling (an obliviousness indicator if ever there was one), so a more likely outcome is the mayor dispatching his minions to reach out and touch Scott "Banker" Blair.

Blair spent most of the previous four years firmly within the mayor's suburban perimeter, but lately was spotted sidling up to Coffey in one of the great "lost" episodes of The Odd Couple: "The Beancounter, the Ragpicker, the University Education and a Gleaming Stiletto."

Blair recently visited the Bored of Works to demand greater council overview of big-time money projects, a matter of some erotica to him, even if he curiously refrained from examining tens of millions of TIF expenditures during his first wasted council term. Blair was stonily rebuffed by Warren Naps, who referred Blair to timeout with Don Gahan Corleone.

Gahan will regale Blair with tales of personal disappointment and possible redemption, enticing the banker with a wad of State Street development sites in an effort to assure a bloc of five council votes, which the mayor then will ignore, anyway, since most monetization business will be conducted as it has since 2012 -- in the back corridors, with Mayor Lite attending council meetings and the economic dishevelment director keeping as far away from the soon to be vacant Pillsbury site as his dog park will take him.

In short, Coffey might at last be neutralized, dooming his neglected district to 48 more months of pain, but setting the stage for a gigantic flushing sound in 2019.

Considering the depravity of our local political class, it's an outcome probably too good to be true.

Uh oh -- he's "presenting" another gift to Jobless New Albany.

Maybe Pillsbury will reconsider.

Bids opened for phase 2 of New Albany dog park, by Chris Morris (Clark County Plain Dealer)

... At a recent New Albany City Council work session, David Duggins, director of redevelopment and economic development for New Albany, said the plan will expand upon $125,000 that was approved for phase one of the project in 2014. The cost for phase two is $250,000. Work is expected to begin next year.

Gahan reveals ambitious wayfinding signage project in preparation for tolls.

The Green Mouse received this helpful note.

I don't have any reason to doubt this, and I thought you might like to know. You might be able to use it for NAC. A friend of mine said she was bicycling over near the riverfront at the Jeffersonville/Clarksville line where restaurant row and the park come together. She said she saw this big highway sign that will be put up on I-65 somewhere. The sign says: "Last Exit Before Tolls Begin."

In New Albany, the Bored of Works already has approved a wayfinding signage project for the forthcoming tolling era.

Limp Disney.

Subtitled: "The Powder Blue Victory of Form Over Substance."

I'm so old I can remember when we had a green city flag and a steamboat on the seal. What I just cannot seem to recall is the date of the referendum when we changed them.

Wait, that's right: We didn't.