Where have you gone, Larry Linville?

So I’m thinking to myself, hey, why should Eugene O’Neill, Tennessee Williams and Samuel Beckett get all the credit when NA Confidential can write plays, too.

Accordingly, here’s an excerpt from my forthcoming theatrical production called “A Different Kind of Mayor (or How I Learned to Love the Bomb).”

It is intended as satire - see http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=satire. Read this first before calling a lawyer, especially if you're a city employee.
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Act 2, Scene 4

(Plumbing inspector Steve Broadus is given a hall pass and summoned to come immediately for a visit to the office of New Albany Mayor James Garner. Broadus believes that the Mayor is about to admit to incorrect statements made at a previous City Council meeting, but Garner has other ideas. Broadus knocks at the door.)

GARNER: Come in Steve, and sit down.

BROADUS: But Mayor Garner, there’s no chair.

GARNER: Well, never mind then. Pull up one of those coin-operated washers over there. (Plays with tiny plastic hotel from Monopoly game) Now, Steve, I want you to know that there’ll be a little something extra in your pay packet this Christmas.

BROADUS: (Blushing) An apology, perhaps?

GARNER: Not exactly – actually, you’re fired. (Leaps to his feet) - FIRED. There, now it’s out in the open and it’s much more respectful telling you right to your face. Otherwise, I’d have to sit down and write another letter, and that’s way too hard. Besides, it’s Christmas, and I’m late for a Salvation Army photo op at Wal-Mart, where you always get the lowest price on Chinese-made plastic gadgets.

BROADUS: (Angrily) Did you say fired?

GARNER: (Twiddling a children’s toy) That’s right – but remember that a good old-fashioned don't-let-the-door-under-the-mistletoe-hit-you certainly isn’t to be considered a demotion, which it also obviously wasn’t back earlier this year when I cut you to half time and saved a bundle on benefits because you didn't show the proper respect for that hack political appointee who I appointed to be your boss.

BROADUS: That old fart Eddie Hancock?

GARNER: Right. (Aside: hmmm, wonder if we’re even yet … he’d have been a fine superintendent of weed maintenance … ) Anyway, when people like you and that loudmouth Larry Kochert ran good ol’ Eddie out of town just because the state of Indiana didn’t show us the proper respect, then I had to be your boss by default. You know what that means, don’t you?

BROADUS: (Confused) Not really.

GARNER: It means that those killjoys up in Indianapolis don’t have any business telling us how to mismanage our own building department like we always have – heck, we were playing petty political games here in Nobbany back when Indy was just a bunch of Injuns peeing in the woods.

BROADUS: But what does that have to do with my job?

GARNER: What job? Didn’t you hear me the first time? You’re FIRED! (jumps up with clenched fist, toy falls to the floor, parakeet begins squawking) – YESS!

BROADUS: Aren’t you going to tell me why?

GARNER: Well, for starters, you went and whined to those busybodies on the City Council and the media, but you should have come straight to me, ‘cuz I’m your boss by default and bosses must have RESPECT (straightens his tie).

BROADUS: But how could I do that and expect to get a fair hearing? You started the whole thing! You’re the same one who demot - …

GARNER: WHOA! (his face reddens) Don’t you dare disrespect me with that nasty “D” word! Maybe I WILL have to write a letter to you the way I wrote the letter to the Courier-Urinal and set those Louisville hoity-toities straight, except I wouldn't do that because the Mayor shouldn’t ever have to explain personnel decisions, even the ones that have to do with you. Understand yet?

BROADUS: (Dazed and reeling) I’m afraid not.

GARNER: (Exaggerated rolling of eyes) I’m an elected public official, for chrissakes – you think I’m going to discuss taxpayer-funded personnel decisions with insubordinate plumbing inspectors or America’s media watchdogs from the free press?

BROADUS: You mean the New Albany Tribune?

GARNER: Heavens no, you silly EX-employee. (Caresses Hershey's Kisses in desk drawer) The Tribune’s got enough sense to leave a respectful homeboy like me alone. It’s easy. You just keep telling the city editor that her outfit looks nice, and she won’t ask a question if she had a mouthful. Now, THAT’S something I really can respect.

(Garner faces the audience) Don’t you hate it when a newspaper reporter keeps asking questions? You look the other way, play with your cell phone, pretend to be interested, jangle your change … geez, like anyone reads those things, anyway. If they really were journalists, they'd be on television, wouldn't they?

BROADUS: Well, what about the building department?

GARNER: (Panicked) Well, what about it? Where is it? How can it still be there if all the employees are fired? Didn't I just fire you? Hurry up and give me your wrench so I can break it over my knee like on "Branded" - boy, that Chuck Connors, what an actor.

BROADUS: Mayor Garner, you’re the building commissioner by default, remember? If you’re in charge, then you need to know what’s actually happening

GARNER: (Aside: Building commissioner? Hmm, I wonder if I get paid extra for that? And what about the animal control who keeps getting arrested for deviate stuff … pick up an animal here and there … another couple grand … )

(Turns back) All I know is that all these non-demotions are a heck of a lot more fun than crawling around a bunch of old houses shining flashlights into attics … I mean, if you go and start enforcing codes, then what? Tell me, is any self-respecting slumlord going to make campaign contributions if he has to use the money on floors, roofs and toilets? That’s definitely not showing these absentee community pillars the proper respect. (Brightens) Say, speaking of eyesores, can I fire Larry Kochert, too?

SHANE GIBSON: No, mister mayor, I’m afraid not.

BROADUS: Wait a minute, where’d you come from?

GIBSON: Floyd Central. I played ball for Joe Hinton, so working for the Mayor is like a tiptoe through the tulips.

GARNER: (Gleefully) I love that song! How about this one! (Dancing and clapping) Just a little bit … shake shake shake … just a little bit … oooh, that bootie …

BROADUS: (To audience) This is the part I hate the most. Plumbing? That’s easy. Pipes, joints, faucets … a diagram, a pattern, a right way to do things. But politicians? They’re all the same, now and forever. Their campaign signs talk about "A Different Kind of Fill in the Blank," but it's the same every time. And me? It's time to go, I guess. I hear Home Depot’s hiring (tosses monkey wrench toward Garner's desk; Gibson handles it cleanly, wipes off the fingerprints, drop steps, and effortlessly sinks a ten-footer through the Nerf basket behind the dryer).

GARNER: Yeah baby, R-E-S-P-E-C-T … c’mon, everyone sing along … egg nog all around. WHEEEEEE!! There'll be a hot time at the Grand tonight ...

(Exit)

Stay tuned to NA Confidential for more previews.