NEW ALBANY -- In a triumphant press conference held back by the corner table at the Roadhouse, city officials and Democratic Party grandees gleefully clinked longnecks of Keystone Light while announcing the culmination of a project first proposed over 50 years ago.
It’s the world’s longest interstate entrance and exit ramps, as recently certified by the Guinness Book of World Records.
Guinness spokesman Tommy Barker presented commemorative scrolls, which read:
“From their starting and ending points on the Clark County line, these entrance and exit ramps to I-64 travel traverse almost three miles in each direction, enabling cars and trucks to pass through New Albany residential neighborhoods quickly and easily to reach points further afield, without ever being compelled to spend time in the city itself.”
Barker also commented, “I’ve never seen anything as daft in all me life – and your streets all arseways like this for 50 years straight? Begorrah, you people need your own chapter in the record book.”
Following a 45-minute presentation by Pubic Works Projects supervisor John Rosenbarger, who detailed past and future plans to eliminate remaining “archaic and non-contributing” traffic lights and destroy and reinstall all the bump-outs he has overseen since last year, economic development director David Duggins ducked Rosenbarger’s rapidly expanding nose and explained how 3-mile-long interstate entrance and exit ramps enhance the quality of life in his outlying industrial parks.
“Just imagine how slumlord property values increase with the interstate ramps only steps away from their front porches,” said Duggins. “If I wasn’t making so little working this lousy job, I’d buy a few quadplexes myself.”
Unfortunately, the hologram of Mayor Jeff Gahan usually seen at public meetings was low on batteries, and so Democratic Party chairman Adam Dickey tearfully led officials and grandees in a closing number.
When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you
"Without our signature arterials," sobbed Dickey, "how can we ever expect to get out the vote?"