At the very last moment, a write-in candidate has been certified by the state of Indiana’s election board, and he will oppose the incumbent 1st district councilman Dan Coffey in Tuesday’s race.
His name is Skittles, a feral cat found living beneath an illegally installed water heater in a West Endian rental property around the corner from Coffey’s house, and shown here enjoying a long overdue hot bath following his recruitment by desperate constituents.
According to Skittles, “I’ve seen first-hand what Coffey can do with plumbing, and let me tell you, even a wild animal knows better.”
He added, “Unlike Steve Price, I’m no lap cat.”
In response, the Wizard of Westside has angrily vowed to again tamper with as many ballots as it takes to turn back the unexpected feline challenge and retain iron control of the city’s poorest district, which Coffey has earnestly guided to ever greater depths of impoverishment since his election eight years ago.
Intriguingly, Tribune publisher John Tucker has reached a similar conclusion:
Unfortunately, because Coffey is unopposed (he won by literally a few votes during the primary) he’ll probably be back for four more years. But even so, if I were in his district I’d leave the ballot blank or write in my crazy Uncle Fred’s name rather than surrender to four more years of his type of leadership.
District 1: Vote Skittles as a write-in, and help clean the Wizard’s litter box.
While we’re at it, here are the senior editor’s remaining endorsements.
District 2: Bob Caesar (D)
Long-term, downtown businessman knows the score, will not require prompting from hidden radio wave electro-shock impulses to know which way to vote.
District 3: Brenda Scharlow (R)
Meaningful entrepreneurial experience easily trumps a lowest common denominator opponent. For more, go here, and note publisher Tucker's words:
Price and Coffey are of like mind and vote. They have made it their job to stop progress in New Albany, and in that respect, they do a very good job. Unlike Coffey, there is someone running against Price. Brenda Scharlow is running on the Republican ticket. I’ve never met Brenda Scharlow. I have read her platform and watched her talk at a debate. She seems a capable person. However, make no mistake, I would vote for her mostly because the incumbent has proven himself to be incapable of the job.
District 4: Pat McLaughlin (D)
Quietly does his homework and refuses to pander to blogs like mine.
District 5: Dick Bliss (R)
Absence of family ties to “The Gary” a massive plus.
District 6: Jeff Gahan (D)
I’m simply unwilling to hold one admittedly colossal misstep against him.
At-Large: John Gonder (D), Jack Messer (D), Kevin Zurschmeide (R)
If Skittles fails in his bid to unseat Coffey, he promises to run against superannuated Democratic at-large candidate Jim Hollis on a personal hygiene platform.
Mayor: Doug England (D)
Perpetually encumbered by baggage, but what England is best at doing is what New Albany needs right now. Fortunately, we’re not being called upon to elect a saint, but to choose a mayor. Opponent Randy Hubbard has failed to offer compelling evidence that he possesses the energy or vision to succeed as mayor. For more, go here.
Clerk: Marcey Wisman (D)
Modernizing the office would be an easier job if so many of the purse string holders weren’t clueless Luddites busking for nickels and dimes on street corners.
Tasty fried fish since 1985 ... and by the way, vote for me.
Not an endorsement, but rather an embarrassment.