Monday, July 30, 2007

Night of the living plastic bottled swill Hell … but a good time for the discerning.

Imagine that you’ve paid the very reasonable price of $80 for a chartered bus seat, a ticket in the right field stands to watch the Chicago Cubs vs. the homestanding Cincinnati Reds, a pre-game picnic meal of barbecue and the fixings, and all the craft draft beer you can drink before and after the game.

Imagine that the three craft beers on tap on the bus are BBC APA (Main & Clay), Browning’s She-Devil IPA, and Browning’s Helles, the latter a German-style golden lager perfectly familiar to any person who has ever suckled an ice-cold Bud Light.

Imagine that such an unprecedented deal isn’t quite good enough for you, so you ignore the craft beer you’ve already paid for, pack a cooler with canned and bottled swill, throw back a dozen or more overpriced “waters,” as Sergio would call them, during the ballgame, and at a moment of supreme self-revelation during the journey home, begin belting out an off-key version of the best-forgotten, hoary seventies paean to piddling Parrotland, “Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw” – all the while believing that in your choice of beer, music and life, you’re being somehow clever and the life of the party.

I can’t imagine it, although I experienced it on Saturday.

However, it is my pleasure to report that entirely apart from redneck contingents originating in my (sighhh) home town of New Albany, there is good beer to be found at the Hofbrauhaus Newport, and even at Great American Ball Park itself. Within 100 yards of our seats at the home field of the Reds, I found Great Lakes Burning River Pale Ale, BarrelHouse Red Legg and an unidentified Flying Dog, along with a Red Hook IPA -- all ridiculously priced at $7.25 per plastic cup, but at least bearing tangible sign of hops and hope.

Meanwhile, mainstream America supped predictably at the altar of mainstream plastic bottles as the Reds bowed unconvincingly to the Cubs by an 8-1 score before a sellout “home” crowd of 42,500, of whom at least six of ten were Cubs, not Reds, supporters.

That’s surreal, but not as surreal as the bizarro-world spectacle of swill-hounds eschewing all-inclusive craft beer for the nadir of American brewing. Might I have been able to assist by providing salt, limes and other irrelevancies?

Verily, I should be used to it by now, but there are times when New Albany can really get to a guy ... and follow him back and forth during an otherwise marvelous break.


Iamhoosier said...

Next time, pack some limes. If I remember the price correctly, @ $.50 each it could add up nicely.

All4Word said...

Some men look at the world and ask "why?" I dream of things that never were and ask "why not?"
------------ Robert F. Kennedy

Iamhoosier said...

...and flush those troubles down the drain.

--------Roto Rooter

jon faith said...

Your expert analysis didn't broach the global impact of your initial photograph: Barca's best next to Junior, that beats a hard lemonade and stale crackerjacks anyday.

G.Coyle said...

Have noted a similar phenom wherein the denizens of a particular town demolished overbuilt fancy Victorian buildings in order to erect flimsy ugly strip-mall architecture. If we could study this de-volutionary impulse here and track it to it's source and eliminate it...oh, just dreaming.

lawguy said...

But surely you can recall the "old days" days at the Riverfront stadium when all you could get was an "Ice Cold Hudepohl", a Hudy De-Light or a Hudy Gold. Now while I may not have the most cultured beer palate, even I couldnt get a Hudy down my pipes (not even in my prime during my college days), regardless of how cold they served it on a hot summer night. Whatever they offer at Great American surely beats the heck out of "the good ole days" at least beer wise. Heck, I think I even ordered a Heineken last time in Cinci.

But I still miss that old stadium...

Iamhoosier said...

Objection, your Honor. My esteemed friend has clearly accepted a bribe to inject Heineken into this case. Otherwise, he would have used Ohio River water to quench his thirst.