ASK THE BORED: Light-struck animals, rebooted holograms and the tolling land rush coming soon.

To repeat, my humble good intentions have been swept aside by the basic human imperative of self-preservation, and I haven't attended a Board of Public Works and Safety meeting since before the hilarious unpleasantness of November 8, when the local political party branch responsible for appointments, patronage, campaign finance sluice dredging and a gently pervasive wetting of beaks -- in fact, for these very prized seats on BOW, as both institution and the institutionalized -- was handed a vicious, epic bloodbath of an electoral beat-down.

But enough of that. Whether Adam ever acquires the good sense to resign or not, the epochal time draws ever closer, and the minutes of BOW's last few meetings reveals a fervent and renewed desire ...

 ... to avoid the challenge entirely.

However, it is reported that city software engineers are hard at work reprogramming the mayoral hologram to direct snarled traffic and hand out Bicentennial coffee table books to frustrated pass-through motorists who live outside the city limits.

Meanwhile, here are a few inconvenient truths.

When will tolling start? We'll know Tuesday, by Madeleine Winer (Courier-Journal)

Officials will announce when tolling will start on the Abraham Lincoln, Kennedy and East End bridges Tuesday.

RiverLink spokeswoman Mindy Peterson and Clint Murphy, the director of tolling oversight for the Indiana Department of Transportation, will make the announcement at 11 a.m. outside RiverLink's Jeffersonville Customer Service Center, 103 Quartermaster Court. The two will also provide an update on the number of RiverLink accounts opened to date, according to a news release.

Peterson said critical testing of the tolling system is complete, which included end to end testing to make sure toll gantries registered vehicles of different sizes and that tolls were applied appropriately. RiverLink will use all-electronic toll gantries to track vehicles crossing the bridges, meaning no toll booths or coin machines will be used and drivers won't have to stop or wait in lines to pay the toll.

Council Monday: But first, how ‘bout a number?

The Highwayman hath spoken: Run Forest Run!! The Inmates Have Escaped!! Perhaps Bluegill will also contribute to the festive, gratuitous atmosphere. What we needed last night was some dance music with a nice beat, not too loud, but firm. We didn't get it.

---

You put your right foot in,
You put your right foot out,
You put your right foot in
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey Pokey
And you turn yourself around,
That's what it's all about.

But what you don’t bother putting in, Ward Churchill, is the time to actually read the text of the downtown resident parking ordinance being proposed, so that the three consecutive questions you asked aloud about the ordinance wouldn’t have been necessary, seeing that each was answered in the document itself – had you so much as glanced at it beforehand.

You put your left foot in,
You put your left foot out,
You put your left foot in,
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey Pokey
And you turn yourself around,
That's what it's all about.

Then there’s Steve Price, who waved his arms and warned that this is a depression, not a recession (well, having him as a council representative certainly is depressing), that we’ll have to choose between pavement and children like those exploited in rental properties like the ones he owns, and then tabled a resolution to buy new police cars pending further data, to include a complete list of cars, who drives them, how many miles they’ve traveled, and the exact number of Neil Young songs played on the car radios.

You put your right hand in,
You put your right hand out,
You put your right hand in
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey Pokey
And you turn yourself around,
That's what it's all about.

If you’re city hall, you demand that the council submit a detailed plan for paving.

You put your left hand in,
You put your left hand out,
You put your left hand in,
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey Pokey
And you turn yourself around,
That's what it's all about.

If you’re the council, you demand that city hall submit a detailed plan for paving.

You put your right shoulder in,
You put your right shoulder out,
You put your right shoulder in,
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey Pokey
And you turn yourself around,
That's what it's all about.

If you’re Kay Garry and Shane Gibson, you patiently explain to the council what the differences are between bonding, appropriations, allowances and hot fudge sundaes.

You put your left shoulder in,
You put your left shoulder out,
You put your left shoulder in,
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey Pokey
And you turn yourself around,
That's what it's all about.

If you’re Dan Coffey, you categorically (and publicly) rule out any bonding mechanism for street repair that might give them people satisfaction, even if it means denying satisfaction to his own voting bloc, whatever that is, given that it seems to exist anonymously. Are the occupants of graves still allowed to vote in the 1st district?

You put your right hip in,
You put your right hip out,
You put your right hip in
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey Pokey
And you turn yourself around,
That's what it's all about.

Ever notice how the anonymous comments on Mrs. Baird’s blog cease during council meetings? Cappuccino, where are you?

You put your left hip in,
You put your left hip out,
You put your left hip in,
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey Pokey
And you turn yourself around,
That's what it's all about.

Does any council member currently urging the use of EDIT monies for paving and street repair know how much of these funds we pour down the dank sewer rate subsidy sinkhole each year? Has he or she stopped to calculate the impact of these wasted monies on the potential for (gasp) economic development? Are you like me, and unwilling to extend any such council member the benefit of the doubt until he or she explains how sewer rate subsidies are the same thing as economic development?

You put your whole self in,
You put your whole self out,
You put your whole self in
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey Pokey
And you turn yourself around,
That's what it's all about.

No, we didn’t last until the end, either. I can remember few city council meetings when so many council members seemed so unprepared for the agenda items. Perhaps it was two weeks of derby mayhem. Perhaps it was the fierce determination of Coffey and Price to score partisan points at the expense of the commonweal. We needed a drink just as much as Lloyd. We got them.

So it ends.