Here in SoIn, the Fourth Estate continues to take it on the chin.

Can someone text me when Susan Duncan's "local" chain newspaper finally gets serious about applying these maxims to its coverage of local events, and on a consistent basis?

Until such a time, if it ever arrives, the cliches are slightly cloying. After all, advertising revenue from local governments buys a good measure of complicity, doesn't it?

DUNCAN COLUMN: Living on purpose

Among the definitions Merriam-Webster offers for “per•spec•tive” is this: “The capacity to view things in their true relations or relative importance.”

We need that today — a lot of that.

Sometimes we get so engrossed in our day-to-day activities that we can’t, won’t, or don’t see the big picture.

All it takes, oftentimes, is a figurative step back to give us “the interrelation in which a subject or its parts are mentally viewed,” another of M-W’s definitions of perspective.

The other day an online post reminded me that our current decade, as we measure time in years, is nearing its inevitable end.

For someone who manages deadlines daily, I was slightly taken aback. Really? Already? Another one?

Public Art Scene Grand 1Si Conscription (with bonus grim reality).

Yesterday as I was standing outside of Quills talking on the phone, the 1Si recruitment gala broke up, and a woman with a name tag remarked to me that she wanted to induce me to change my mind about One Southern Indiana and rejoin the fold.

I smiled and grinned: No, we won't get fooled again, sorry. When most of what an organization espouses runs counter to my self-interest as a small, independent business, then it's hard to square such circles without the use of hallucinogenic chemicals -- and I drink enough alcohol already, thank you.

The following was a "Beer Money in the 'Bune" column published on September 30, 2010, back when the newspaper still barely mattered. The editor-at-the-time didn't get it; three years later, that particular symptom might have passed, but the fundamental malady remains intact, and that's too bad.

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BEER MONEY: “Life in OSi a grim reality.”

By GORDY GANT
Cleveland Plain Dealer Reporter

(New Albany, OSI) -- November 15th, 2065, is the 50th ISindependence Day in One Southern Indiana, the impoverished, stubbornly paternalistic enclave that broke away from Indiana after the state’s favorite son, Mitch Daniels, suffered a landslide loss to Barack Obama in the 2012 presidential race.

While living memories of that time have faded, the impact of events continues to influence daily life.

Depressed and shattered by his loss, the former governor fled to a hiding place near Birdseye and declared a state of Major Insurgency Moves. Concurrently, a band of tightly-knit oligarcho-theocrats at the economic development agency called One Southern Indiana (1Si) staged a series of cynical bait-and-switch ploys, culminating in a bloodless coup in 2015 that wrested civil authority from legally elected local governments.

After undergoing treatment, Daniels subsequently renounced his failed political revolt and took up religion, becoming an evangelist and the leading American proponent of wealth accumulation at his Your Tax Abatement is Jesus ministry prior to his death in 2019.

Meanwhile, the former chamber of commerce gradually undertook to improve the quality of life for its top tier of major business investment partners.

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Today, amid persistent shortages, the mood in 1Si is one of weary resignation. 1Sindependence Day will feature lengthy speeches and exaltations of economic progress, as broadcast over the 1Si-approved Clere Channel network, which Grooms bright Young future Stemlers for leadership in the community.

Most people merely will parrot the platitudes, resuming their search for firewood in the remnants of wooded areas, most long since clear-cut to build subdivisions with names like No Oak Glen and Elm Infested Acres.

1Si’s numerous manual laborers will get half-days off to drink non-alcoholic Victory Juice and parade past the descendents of the founders, seated atop the Tomb of the Unknown Exurbanite, jowly in their golf wear, drinking expensive, imported Corona Lights, and extolling the virtues of a non-union workforce.

Since the Great Oil Out of 2035, the parade has been non-motorized, and just a few miles away from the mausoleum are the massive unfinished hulks of the Ohio River Bridges Project, made redundant by the depletion of petroleum.

In vast, smoldering areas of a city formerly known as Jeffersonville, squatters now live in grimy tents, reduced to commuting by ox cart to mow grass at the homes of 1Si’s upper echelon at the Quarry Bluff gated compound, or forced to walk long miles to beg for alms at the Shrine of St. Daniels, owned and operated by Reclaim Our Culture Kentuckiana.

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ROCK was formally established as the moral and cultural arbiter of 1Si by the late Commandante Stemler shortly after the Glorious Revolutionary Economic Progress Capital Campaign was concluded. ROCK vowed to purify minds stained with Democratic liberalism, declaring in 2022 that all pornography had been eradicated (along with most books and all competing political parties).

ROCK’s slogan can be seen on every desktop: “Free speech is the devil’s workshop. Work for 1Si, instead.”

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Residents are not willing to speak openly to the few outside journalists permitted to enter 1Si. Their reticence is understandable. During the past two decades, as 1Si’s public policy council outlawed small retail businesses and began paying workers in Yum! Brands gift cards, it has become all too easy to lose one’s tacos, nachos and beanie weenies.

Miraculously, dissent has not been fully suppressed.

Thomas N., from Sellersburg, remembers the day when the One Southern Indiana operatives came to his street with their laptops.

“They were nicely dressed and friendly, but serious,” says the retired software analyst. “As a Democrat, I was worried when they started promulgating the 5 O’Clock Network Fundamental Purity Laws, but they were handing out free thumb drives to the kids. It seemed okay.”

“We were told that we’d have jobs, education and fiscal restraint, and we believed it,” he adds. “By the time things started getting bad, it was too late.”

A far younger man calling himself Koba expresses bitterness at the toll on modernity of 1Si’s iron-fisted rule.

“I live in a rental property owned by a Sodrelite, and it’s a piece of ****,” spits Koba, “but one day I was down in the crawl space, and I found these old books about green strategies and sustainability. It was like an epiphany, because I didn’t know there was any other way except consuming irreplaceable resources for 1Si’s enrichment.”

“I can’t let anyone see me reading these books,” he continues, “because if the 1SBlock Watch hears about it, I’ll lose my Yum! Card and be exposed as a Girly Man. And yet sometimes, late at night, I risk hacking through the firewalls of the 1Sinternet, and see how communities in other places operate.”

“It’s incredible. Did you know they actually have free elections in other parts of the country?”

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Amy C. provides the official version of life in 1Si. She works as free enterprise re-education specialist in the Michael Dalby Institute of Public-Private Partnerships. As great-granddaughter of a Bi-State Authority member, she enjoyed a privileged upbringing and attended the prestigious One Southern Indiana University Southeast Christian Academy of ROCK.

“Although my spiritual guide, the Reverend Wickens IV, teaches us that we must be humble and self-effacing, I agree with all the central tenets of Stemlerism,” she begins. “We are building the perfect, economically developed society.”

“People who are not too stubborn to accept St. Daniels as their guide and fiscal savior know how to be respectful and constructive,” she concludes. “Given that we’re traveling the correct historical path, why tolerate people whose questions are no more than vicious personal agendas?”

Roger A. Baylor’s blog, NA Confidential, endorses any political candidate opposed to 1Si’s recent political endorsements. Read more at www.cityofnewalbany.blogspot.com

Chain newspaper crazy train going off the rails.

Kudos to Dan Christensen.

First the cub reporter regularly uses his Twitter feed (under the chain newspaper's banner, and presumably with its permission) to lash out at small, independent local businesses.

Now the chain newspaper has published a column, evidently unavailable on  line, written by a woman urging big box flower arrangement shopping. Meanwhile the pop-up publisher of the year wanders off to post Bible proverbs, assigning a column slot to his pastor.

As we seek discernible signs of coherent chain newspaper management amid the escalating squalor, here's the florist's cogent point.

READER JEERS

... To Darlene Hilsenback for her column in last Saturday’s paper telling people to shop the big chain stores instead of their local florist on Valentine’s Day. Study after study shows money spent with small locally owned and operated shops benefits the local economy. With all the work groups and businesses do to try to get this out when someone encourages people to bypass the local florists and shop the chain stores for a better deal, we tend to get very upset. If you as consumers will take the time to shop your local florists I think you might be pleasantly surprised. Most of your local shops will compete not only in price, but also in service. It was stated in her column that the chain stores have less overhead, but in reality the small shops do not have the buying power that the big chain stores have. We can’t lose money on our flowers only to make it up on other products while you are in the stores, and still we try to stay competitive on our prices and services. I encourage everyone to BUY LOCAL, shop your local florists this year for Valentine’s Day, you and the person you are buying for will not be disappointed.

— Dan Christensen, co-owner, Affairs of the Heart Florist in Jeffersonville

A locally owned and operated florist since 1991

Yes, I do.

Every time a News and Tribune pop-up ad misfires ...

 ... I'm definitely in the wrong place.

(screen captures at 4 p.m. yesterday; pop-up ads offending readers around the clock)

Straight Outta Mobile: "Grant Line work to stretch through July 31."

Observing the oddities of local newspapering is a longtime sport for jaded New Albanians, as when on-line stories about GOP election recounts, the Jingle Walk and and Grant Line road construction are lumped together beneath a photo of Republican kingpin Dave Matthews.

When I tried to find the story a second time using the News and Tribune's wretched and entirely variable search engine, it remained hidden, but at least there was the entertainment value of batting away a handful of pop-up ads amid the overall futility. A Google search did the trick, and because I'd hate to have anyone else endure the same agony, here's a reprint of OSIN's piece on the composition and duration of the Grant Line work.

Grant Line work to stretch through July 31

The more than $2.7 million Grant Line Road construction project is under way, as traffic has been backed up along the route at certain times due to the closure of turning lanes at intersections including University Woods Drive and McDonald Lane.

The project — which is being footed through relinquishment funds the state provided last year after the city agreed to maintain a portion of Ind. 111 — is slated to last until at least July 31.

The initial phase of the project stretches from Mount Tabor Road to McDonald Lane. While turning lanes will likely remain closed for most of the construction, officials expect two-way traffic to continue without the need for flaggers.

“The huge majority of the time, there will be two lanes open at all times,” said John Rosenbarger, director of public facilities projects for the city.

In order to ensure two-way traffic is available, Rosenbarger said flaggers may be needed for a short period while a temporary lane is built.

Among the upgrades, Grant Line Road will have five lanes of traffic including a turn lane from the Interstate 265 exchange to University Woods Drive.

“It will make some traffic improvements and importantly provide pedestrian access and a pedway,” Rosenbarger said of the project.

The second phase of construction, from McDonald Lane to Beechwood Avenue, is the “real priority,” he added.

As the city is finalizing engineering plans for the second tier of construction, Rosenbarger said officials elected to proceed with the I-265 to McDonald Lane section first because the state already had design strategies for the span from when it was considering building an overpass over the train tracks near the Pillsbury plant entrance.

The Indiana Department of Transportation scrapped those plans when it elected to pay New Albany $6.125 million for the city to oversee repairs and upgrades to 4.5 miles of Ind. 111.

“So we had a pretty short process to complete plans for a surface road instead [of the overpass] and the right-of-way was mostly in hand through the previous INDOT effort,” Rosenbarger said.

As for starting a project on a major thoroughfare while the Sherman Minton Bridge closure continues to stifle traffic in the area, Rosenbarger said officials are hoping one situation won’t have a major impact on the other. In fact, Rosenbarger said traffic actually appeared to be less dense due to the bridge closure during a paving and sidewalk project along State Street that occurred in September and October.

“We observed a pretty major reduction in traffic for that particular thoroughfare as a result of the Sherman Minton closing,” he said.