BEER WITH A SOCIALIST: Erin Go Blagh: "May the road rise to meet the rest o' ye, and Sláinte."

Wow ... that's embarrassing.

A website (Indiana On Tap) purporting to serve the interests of Indiana breweries, wineries and distilleries, instead perpetuating green beer idiocy. I made a disparaging reference to this social media post, and they didn't react well to it.

No effort was made to refute my point. That's #winning in my world, although it should be conceded that they redeemed themselves just a bit here.

In 2020, St. Patrick’s Day falls on Tuesday, March 17. At Pints&union we're taking the approach of kicking off holiday festivities during the week preceding the annual revel, and doing so in a manner that buttresses tastefulness rather than greenish-hued irrelevance.

Here's the plan as outlined at Facebook. Smithwick's Irish Red Ale will be on draft throughout. My favorite passage is this: "Properly poured pints of Guinness all day, every day. Come celebrate with us and NO GREEN BEER."

You had me at Guinness.

Getting the holiday’s nickname right bears this annual reminder.

Paddy Not Patty: A Modest Proposal to the People of the New World

It’s Paddy, not Patty – EVER.

Those possessed of genuine Irishness, whether by birth or disposition, somehow manage to tolerate these varied knowledge gaps with good humor and eternal grace.

Given my predominantly German ancestry, I’m under no corresponding obligation, so let the rants begin. Ireland remains very important to me; not so much the way many of you choose to celebrate it once yearly. I've upped my game over the years, and now it's your turn.

The following commentary remains my favorite view of St. Patrick’s Day from the service industry’s perspective. It originally was penned almost 20 years ago by a witty East Coast bartender named Chris Halleron, for an e-newsletter called “Hot Trub.”

Some references are dated, but it has remained remarkably accurate. In the past I'd read it, dissolve into laughter, and resolve to stay home throughout the day to avoid the mayhem of amateurs.

However, now that I once again have a local within walking distance to cherish, I'll make a few appearances at Pints&union, drain a pint or three of stout, and sing Dubliners songs to myself.

Permission to reprint has been provided by the author. Wherever you are, thanks. 

----

Erin Go Blah

Recently a friend asked if I was free to do something on St. Patrick's Day, but I explained that asking a bartender to take that day off is like asking an accountant to blow off work on April 14.

It is the busy season for bartenders, when we get to see all those cheapskate rookies who haven't spent a dime in the bar since they threw up in the corner on New Year's Eve but now decide to poke their heads out of their holes and celebrate the Feast of St. Patrick.

While most people celebrate St. Patrick's Day on March 17, where I come from it seems to last longer than Mardi Gras in N'Awlins (coincidentally, that's also taking place right now). Hoboken, New Jersey, where I tend bar, has its parade the first Saturday of March every year, so as not to compete with the mega-parade across the Hudson in Manhattan on the actual St. Patrick's Day.

Other communities in New Jersey spread their celebrations out in the interim, creating one thick fog of overindulgence week after week until finally the corned beef and cabbage comes out and everybody is too sick to eat it.

Normally I'd be all for such a celebration, but for the fact that somebody has to work these things -- and once again that somebody is me. While I'm surely preaching to the choir with this column, I'd like to share some misconceptions and social faux pas regarding St. Patrick's Day that I've had the displeasure of observing over years:

· "Kiss Me I'm Irish" buttons will get you nowhere with the ladies.

· There is no "Official" Beer of St. Patrick's Day. Despite all its recent financial difficulties, the Catholic Church has yet to seek corporate sponsorship of its saints' feast days (though it may only be a matter of time…).

· The same goes for "Official" St. Patrick's Day Headquarters--as if that stinky dive down the street with the broken urinal would actually be the epicenter of the world's St. Patrick's Day celebration.

· Just because Mario's Bar and Grill has a shamrock in the window, it doesn't necessarily make it an Irish bar.

· In most circles, House of Pain's "Jump Around" is not considered traditional Irish music.

· Ask any brewer and they'll tell you -- when a beer turns green it's a BAD thing.

· Killian's Irish Red is made in Golden, Colorado, not Enniscorthy, Ireland.

· Killarney's is from St. Louis, Missouri, not Killarney, Ireland.

· The number-one selling lager in Ireland is Budweiser.

· Guinness is most certainly not a microbrewery (I can't make this stuff up -- I swear I actually heard someone say that once).

· Asking a bartender to put a shamrock on the top of a well-poured Guinness is like asking Da Vinci to put a mustache on the Mona Lisa.

· Not only is the "Irish Car Bomb" (a pint glass half full of Guinness with a shot glass of Bailey’s and Jameson dropped in) an appalling name for a drink, the waste of Guinness and Jameson in some novelty shooter is nothing short of blasphemy. Save the “Boilermakers” for the Milwaukee’s Best and enjoy a quality beverage the way it's meant to be enjoyed.

· A pint of Guinness takes a while to be poured properly -- if you're in a hurry then order something else.

· Guinness in a plastic cup is a travesty, no matter how busy the bar is.

· The plural of Guinness is Guinness, not Guinnesses.

· More often than not, Irish people (by that, I mean people born and raised in Ireland) couldn't give a rat's arse what town your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather left during the Potato Famine.

· There is no room for a discussion of Irish politics in a crowded bar.

· The stereotype of drunken Irish bar-fighters applies mostly to Irish-Americans.

· The Irish pastime of hurling is not what most people in this country think it means.

· No matter what you may have heard or read, a traditional Irish breakfast DOES NOT consist of a six-pack and a potato.

· No, I'd rather not wear a silly plastic green hat while I'm working, but thanks for the offer.

· There is no "siesta" napping on the bar for St. Patrick's Day -- you have that confused with Cinco de Mayo, which is two months away.

· Just because the bar is open all day and all night doesn't necessarily mean you have to be there drinking the whole time.

· Just because you gave me a big tip doesn't give you carte blanche for being an @$$hole!!!

Despite all my bitches, gripes and complaints, I'm well aware that there's a lot of earning of the green that goes along with the wearing of the green. So it looks like I'll once again have to "Er-Grin 'n' Go Bear-it" as I look forward to the pot o' gold at the end o' me rainbow -- the long, messy rainbow that it is.

In the meantime, may the road rise to meet the rest o' ye, and Sláinte ... from the bitter bollocks behind the bar.

The blog that dares not speak its name, although this doesn't prevent the professional from asking the amateur for help.

Deaf to Bill, 2019.

A polemic (/pəˈlɛmɪk/) is contentious rhetoric that is intended to support a specific position by aggressive claims and undermining of the opposing position. Polemics are mostly seen in arguments about controversial topics. The practice of such argumentation is called polemics. A person who often writes polemics, or who speaks polemically, is called a polemicist.

With voting underway, and election "day" just around the corner, you'll have noticed that the News and Tribune has had almost nothing to say about the candidates and issues.

This has been true about New Albany, the newspaper's most consistently neglected coverage area, as well as for races in Clark County, where the newspaper now allocates most of its sadly flagging energies.

Let's delve into double standards, but first, as a citizen polemicist, I don't mind being held to a higher bar when it comes to submissions. Still, the hypocrisy gets to me at times.

My letters to the editor, which are not allowed to bear a signature that includes "NA Confidential" as identifier, always are subject to scrupulous editing for proof and evidence -- even as Bill's and Susan's Excellent Adventure runs two weekly Christianity columns and permits numerous Christian advocacy letters to the editor, one imagines without the same scrupulous fact checking, because if such were to be applied to the absence of facts ... well, you know.

It's faith, isn't it?

At times even an "online comment" merits a follow-up, hence an amusing exchange from March. I'd mentioned Jeff Gahan's pay-to-play corruption in this comment about Chris Morris' abortion column.

Note the irony of the first example in this definition of corruption.

1. dishonest or fraudulent conduct by those in power, typically involving bribery.

"the journalist who wants to expose corruption in high places"

synonyms: dishonesty, dishonest dealings, unscrupulousness, deceit, deception, duplicity, double-dealing, fraud, fraudulence, misconduct, lawbreaking, crime, criminality, delinquency, wrongdoing, villainy

2. the process by which something, typically a word or expression, is changed from its original use or meaning to one that is regarded as erroneous or debased.

synonyms: alteration, falsification, doctoring, manipulation, manipulating, fudging, adulteration, debasement, degradation, abuse, subversion, misrepresentation, misapplication; rarevitiation

"these figures have been subject to corruption"

Corruption is a many-splendoured concept, gloriously mutable for the purpose of polemics. Less so any newspaper blithely content to be a feel-good lifestyle publication to the exclusion of its duty to afflict the comfortable while comforting the afflicted.

Here is our cyber trail.

---

From: Susan Duncan
To: Roger Baylor
Cc: Bill Hanson - NT

Mar 22 at 3:40 PM

Roger,

Your online comment references “corruption,” indicating criminal wrongdoing. Where is your proof?

Susan

---

From: Roger A. Baylor
To: Susan Duncan
Cc: Bill Hanson - NT

Mar 22 at 5:48 PM

Don’t worry, guys. I protected your star mayoral $ advertiser by not mentioning his name. I could be talking about any mayor, couldn’t I? Now can you give us a reporter, as opposed to a crusading anti-abortionist steno?

R

---
From: Susan Duncan
To: Roger A. Baylor
Cc: Bill Hanson - NT

Mar 22 at 6:45 PM

You could be referencing any mayor; however, you posted the comment on a column by our assistant editor based in New Albany.

I’m not worried about advertising money from anyone, including mayors — nor do we make coverage decisions based on who does or doesn’t advertise in the newspaper.

If you have any evidence of criminal wrongdoing by any mayor in Southern Indiana, we would be interested in looking at it.

Susan Duncan

---

From: Roger Baylor
To: Susan Duncan
Cc: Bill Hanson - NT

Mar 22 at 8:54 PM

Wearily ... and if I have such evidence, why on earth would I share it with the News and Tribune? How could I ever trust you to do anything with it?

In spite of my antipathy amid indefensible blathering like Morris' abortion piece today, for almost 15 years I've been linking my readers to your newspaper, thereby exposing them to the contagion of Gahan's self-congratulatory daily newspaper ads, and yet not once has anyone at the newspaper said something along the lines of "thanks for the traffic - here's a complimentary on-line subscription."

You said it yourself a while back: you're just not giving free blurbs to a mere blogger. That's hunky dory, but know that it's fairly obvious to the blogger and HIS readers when your reporters get their ideas from perusing my material. I'm down with it, too; at least (the reporters) will engage in conversation and be human, and as a former business owner, I've generally refrained from critiquing the shop floor, because the buck stops with management.

As it does in this instance. To reiterate, if I had solid evidence of criminal wrongdoing, why would a degraded alcoholic blogger like me give it to the News and Tribune when it's the News and Tribune's job to do things like that -- you know, reporting -- in the first place?

Sincerely,

R

---

Here's the thing. I understand perfectly well that as a blogger, there are natural limitations.

I'm solo, pro bono and periodically loco. Conversely the newspaper's readership may have declined precipitously, but it's still more broadly distributed across various segments of the local populace than NA Confidential's -- though I surely have a loyal audience here, too. Just think about these two conditions, working together.

I do, often. They don't, ever. That's too bad, isn't it?

At any rate, we might spend the remainder of the day arguing about the meaning of journalism, and whether blogger can be journalists, and what a newspaper like the News and Tribune can be expected to accomplish in this day and age. I suspect the day would be wasted, and I'd be drinking by 5:30 p.m.

The point remains: If they won't allow me to identify myself as the NA Confidential blogger in a letter to the editor of the News and Tribune, it's some massive cheek to ask me to share "evidence of criminal wrongdoing" when I've put lots more time into exploring the preconditions of this topic than their entity has -- and they're far better placed to find it than me, given our respective economies of scale and potential magnitude of our bully pulpits.

I contend, and I will continue to contend, that in a time when local governments hire PR fluff firms to purchase advertising in newspapers, while continuing to pay classified rates for mandated notices and announcements, any insistence by a newspaper editor to the effect of revenue streams having no bearing on editorial decisions is disingenuous at best.

Although perhaps it's not indicative of corruption, only deferring to financial reality. Who knows? After all, I'm merely a blogging polemicist -- and the supposed local newspaper of record is allowing another election cycle to pass in a position of supine disengagement.

Here's a thought. Maybe if they find evidence of criminal wrongdoing, it will be shared with NA Confidential, the blog that dare not speak its name in the News and Tribune?

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to look for "proof" in today's multiple religion columns. Not holding my breath, though.

Paint your sombreros green -- and Erin Go Blagh, a timeless classic for the annual holiday.

Sunday is St. Patrick’s Day. We'll be doing some fun things at Pints&union, and it's nice to be back in the position of buttressing tastefulness, as opposed to denouncing green-colored lager.

Starting Friday afternoon, we'll be adding Smithwick's Ale and Harp Lager (while they last) to the everyday Guinness.

Getting the holiday’s nickname right bears this annual reminder.

Paddy Not Patty: A Modest Proposal to the People of the New World

It’s Paddy, not Patty – EVER.

Those possessed of genuine Irishness, whether by birth or disposition, somehow manage to tolerate these varied knowledge gaps with good humor and eternal grace. Given my predominantly German ancestry, I’m under no corresponding obligation, so let the rants begin. Ireland remains very important to me; the way many of you celebrate it once yearly, not so much.

The following commentary, originally penned at least 18 years ago for an e-newsletter called “Hot Trub” by a witty East Coast bartender named Chris Halleron, remains my favorite view of St. Patrick’s Day from the service industry’s perspective.

Some references are dated, but it has remained remarkably accurate. I read it once a year, dissolve into laughter, and stay home throughout the day to avoid the mayhem. However now that I once again have a local to cherish, maybe I'll make a Sunday appearance at Pints&union and sing Dubliners songs to myself.

Permission to reprint has been provided by the author.

----

Erin Go Blah

Recently a friend asked if I was free to do something on St. Patrick's Day, but I explained that asking a bartender to take that day off is like asking an accountant to blow off work on April 14.

It is the busy season for bartenders, when we get to see all those cheapskate rookies who haven't spent a dime in the bar since they threw up in the corner on New Year's Eve but now decide to poke their heads out of their holes and celebrate the Feast of St. Patrick.

While most people celebrate St. Patrick's Day on March 17, where I come from it seems to last longer than Mardi Gras in N'Awlins (coincidentally, that's also taking place right now). Hoboken, New Jersey, where I tend bar, has its parade the first Saturday of March every year, so as not to compete with the mega-parade across the Hudson in Manhattan on the actual St. Patrick's Day.

Other communities in New Jersey spread their celebrations out in the interim, creating one thick fog of overindulgence week after week until finally the corned beef and cabbage comes out and everybody is too sick to eat it.

Normally I'd be all for such a celebration, but for the fact that somebody has to work these things -- and once again that somebody is me. While I'm surely preaching to the choir with this column, I'd like to share some misconceptions and social faux pas regarding St. Patrick's Day that I've had the displeasure of observing over years:

· "Kiss Me I'm Irish" buttons will get you nowhere with the ladies.

· There is no "Official" Beer of St. Patrick's Day. Despite all its recent financial difficulties, the Catholic Church has yet to seek corporate sponsorship of its saints' feast days (though it may only be a matter of time…).

· The same goes for "Official" St. Patrick's Day Headquarters--as if that stinky dive down the street with the broken urinal would actually be the epicenter of the world's St. Patrick's Day celebration.

· Just because Mario's Bar and Grill has a shamrock in the window, it doesn't necessarily make it an Irish bar.

· In most circles, House of Pain's "Jump Around" is not considered traditional Irish music.

· Ask any brewer and they'll tell you -- when a beer turns green it's a BAD thing.

· Killian's Irish Red is made in Golden, Colorado, not Enniscorthy, Ireland.

· Killarney's is from St. Louis, Missouri, not Killarney, Ireland.

· The number-one selling lager in Ireland is Budweiser.

· Guinness is most certainly not a microbrewery (I can't make this stuff up -- I swear I actually heard someone say that once).

· Asking a bartender to put a shamrock on the top of a well-poured Guinness is like asking Da Vinci to put a mustache on the Mona Lisa.

· Not only is the "Irish Car Bomb" (a pint glass half full of Guinness with a shot glass of Bailey’s and Jameson dropped in) an appalling name for a drink, the waste of Guinness and Jameson in some novelty shooter is nothing short of blasphemy. Save the “Boilermakers” for the Milwaukee’s Best and enjoy a quality beverage the way it's meant to be enjoyed.

· A pint of Guinness takes a while to be poured properly -- if you're in a hurry then order something else.

· Guinness in a plastic cup is a travesty, no matter how busy the bar is.

· The plural of Guinness is Guinness, not Guinnesses.

· More often than not, Irish people (by that, I mean people born and raised in Ireland) couldn't give a rat's arse what town your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather left during the Potato Famine.

· There is no room for a discussion of Irish politics in a crowded bar.

· The stereotype of drunken Irish bar-fighters applies mostly to Irish-Americans.

· The Irish pastime of hurling is not what most people in this country think it means.

· No matter what you may have heard or read, a traditional Irish breakfast DOES NOT consist of a six-pack and a potato.

· No, I'd rather not wear a silly plastic green hat while I'm working, but thanks for the offer.

· There is no "siesta" napping on the bar for St. Patrick's Day -- you have that confused with Cinco de Mayo, which is two months away.

· Just because the bar is open all day and all night doesn't necessarily mean you have to be there drinking the whole time.

· Just because you gave me a big tip doesn't give you carte blanche for being an @$$hole!!!

Despite all my bitches, gripes and complaints, I'm well aware that there's a lot of earning of the green that goes along with the wearing of the green. So it looks like I'll once again have to "Er-Grin 'n' Go Bear-it" as I look forward to the pot o' gold at the end o' me rainbow -- the long, messy rainbow that it is.

In the meantime, may the road rise to meet the rest o' ye, and Sláinte ... from the bitter bollocks behind the bar.

THE BEER BEAT: Paint your sombreros green, and Erin Go Blagh -- a timeless classic for a green-hued holiday.

Yes, tomorrow it’s St. Patrick’s Day. Time once again to endure the tasteless annual outbursts of shamrock-mounted hokum fueled by wretched green-colored lager, not to mention the inability of many revelers to get the holiday’s nickname right.

Paddy Not Patty: A Modest Proposal to the People of the New World

It’s Paddy, not Patty – EVER.

Still, those possessed of genuine Irishness, whether by birth or disposition, somehow manage to tolerate these varied outrages with good humor and eternal grace.

Given my German ancestry, I’m under no corresponding obligation, so let the rant begin. Ireland is very important to me; the way most of you celebrate it, not so much.

The following commentary, originally penned at least 15 years ago for an e-newsletter called “Hot Trub” by a witty East Coast bartender named Chris Halleron, remains my favorite view of St. Patrick’s Day from the service industry’s perspective.

Some references are dated, but it has remained remarkably accurate. I read it once a year, dissolve into laughter, and stay home throughout the day to avoid the mayhem.

Permission to reprint has been provided by the author.

----

Erin Go Blah

Recently a friend asked if I was free to do something on St. Patrick's Day, but I explained that asking a bartender to take that day off is like asking an accountant to blow off work on April 14.

It is the busy season for bartenders, when we get to see all those cheapskate rookies who haven't spent a dime in the bar since they threw up in the corner on New Year's Eve but now decide to poke their heads out of their holes and celebrate the Feast of St. Patrick.

While most people celebrate St. Patrick's Day on March 17, where I come from it seems to last longer than Mardi Gras in N'Awlins (coincidentally, that's also taking place right now). Hoboken, New Jersey, where I tend bar, has its parade the first Saturday of March every year, so as not to compete with the mega-parade across the Hudson in Manhattan on the actual St. Patrick's Day.

Other communities in New Jersey spread their celebrations out in the interim, creating one thick fog of overindulgence week after week until finally the corned beef and cabbage comes out and everybody is too sick to eat it.

Normally I'd be all for such a celebration, but for the fact that somebody has to work these things -- and once again that somebody is me. While I'm surely preaching to the choir with this column, I'd like to share some misconceptions and social faux pas regarding St. Patrick's Day that I've had the displeasure of observing over years:

· "Kiss Me I'm Irish" buttons will get you nowhere with the ladies.

· There is no "Official" Beer of St. Patrick's Day. Despite all its recent financial difficulties, the Catholic Church has yet to seek corporate sponsorship of its saints' feast days (though it may only be a matter of time…).

· The same goes for "Official" St. Patrick's Day Headquarters--as if that stinky dive down the street with the broken urinal would actually be the epicenter of the world's St. Patrick's Day celebration.

· Just because Mario's Bar and Grill has a shamrock in the window, it doesn't necessarily make it an Irish bar.

· In most circles, House of Pain's "Jump Around" is not considered traditional Irish music.

· Ask any brewer and they'll tell you -- when a beer turns green it's a BAD thing.

· Killian's Irish Red is made in Golden, Colorado, not Enniscorthy, Ireland.

· Killarney's is from St. Louis, Missouri, not Killarney, Ireland.

· The number-one selling lager in Ireland is Budweiser.

· Guinness is most certainly not a microbrewery (I can't make this stuff up -- I swear I actually heard someone say that once).

· Asking a bartender to put a shamrock on the top of a well-poured Guinness is like asking Da Vinci to put a mustache on the Mona Lisa.

· Not only is the "Irish Car Bomb" (a pint glass half full of Guinness with a shot glass of Bailey’s and Jameson dropped in) an appalling name for a drink, the waste of Guinness and Jameson in some novelty shooter is nothing short of blasphemy. Save the “Boilermakers” for the Milwaukee’s Best and enjoy a quality beverage the way it's meant to be enjoyed.

· A pint of Guinness takes a while to be poured properly -- if you're in a hurry then order something else.

· Guinness in a plastic cup is a travesty, no matter how busy the bar is.

· The plural of Guinness is Guinness, not Guinnesses.

· More often than not, Irish people (by that, I mean people born and raised in Ireland) couldn't give a rat's arse what town your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather left during the Potato Famine.

· There is no room for a discussion of Irish politics in a crowded bar.

· The stereotype of drunken Irish bar-fighters applies mostly to Irish-Americans.

· The Irish pastime of hurling is not what most people in this country think it means.

· No matter what you may have heard or read, a traditional Irish breakfast DOES NOT consist of a six-pack and a potato.

· No, I'd rather not wear a silly plastic green hat while I'm working, but thanks for the offer.

· There is no "siesta" napping on the bar for St. Patrick's Day -- you have that confused with Cinco de Mayo, which is two months away.

· Just because the bar is open all day and all night doesn't necessarily mean you have to be there drinking the whole time.

· Just because you gave me a big tip doesn't give you carte blanche for being an @$$hole!!!

Despite all my bitches, gripes and complaints, I'm well aware that there's a lot of earning of the green that goes along with the wearing of the green. So it looks like I'll once again have to "Er-Grin 'n' Go Bear-it" as I look forward to the pot o' gold at the end o' me rainbow -- the long, messy rainbow that it is.

In the meantime, may the road rise to meet the rest o' ye, and Sláinte ... from the bitter bollocks behind the bar.

---

In New Albany, the City Hall-sanctioned, official municipal events-plaining agency known as Develop New Albany (we're under-developed -- get it?) has released a list of six downtown establishments offering St. Patrick's Day specials, which can be found here.

There's nothing like Jager Bombs and Fireball Shots to promote Irishness, so be sure to have a designated driver, call a cab or walk on your own two wobbly legs.

ON THE AVENUES: Erin Go Blagh -- a timeless classic for a green-hued holiday.

ON THE AVENUES: Erin Go Blagh -- a timeless classic for a green-hued holiday.

A weekly web column by Roger A. Baylor.

Yes, it’s St. Patrick’s Day again.

Time to endure the tasteless annual outbursts of shamrock-mounted hokum fueled by wretched green-colored lager, not to mention the inability of many revelers to get the holiday’s nickname right.

Paddy Not Patty: A Modest Proposal to the People of the New World

It’s Paddy, not Patty – EVER.

Still, those possessed of genuine Irishness, whether by birth or disposition, somehow manage to tolerate these varied outrages with good humor and eternal grace.

But given my German ancestry, I’m under no corresponding obligation, so let the rant begin.

In 2016, the scheduling Gods are perversely inclined, having placed a New Albany city council blarney bash to begin precisely at 7:00 p.m. on St. Patrick’s Day, evidently to serve as a sort of twisted exclamation point.

Well, Dan Coffey’s blarney is downright barmy, and even gin is green when you place the bottle in front of an official city flag – assuming Team Gahan hasn’t secretly changed the color to Disney Blue.

The following commentary, originally penned at least 15 years ago for an e-newsletter called “Hot Trub” by a witty East Coast bartender named Chris Halleron, remains my favorite view of St. Patrick’s Day from the service industry’s perspective.

Some references are dated, but it has remained remarkably accurate. I read it once a year, dissolve into laughter, and stay home throughout the day to avoid the mayhem.

For safe passage to the council meeting, I may need to borrow someone’s Hummer.

Permission to reprint has been provided by the author.

----

Erin Go Blah

Recently a friend asked if I was free to do something on St. Patrick's Day, but I explained that asking a bartender to take that day off is like asking an accountant to blow off work on April 14.

It is the busy season for bartenders, when we get to see all those cheapskate rookies who haven't spent a dime in the bar since they threw up in the corner on New Year's Eve but now decide to poke their heads out of their holes and celebrate the Feast of St. Patrick.

While most people celebrate St. Patrick's Day on March 17, where I come from it seems to last longer than Mardi Gras in N'Awlins (coincidentally, that's also taking place right now). Hoboken, New Jersey, where I tend bar, has its parade the first Saturday of March every year, so as not to compete with the mega-parade across the Hudson in Manhattan on the actual St. Patrick's Day.

Other communities in New Jersey spread their celebrations out in the interim, creating one thick fog of overindulgence week after week until finally the corned beef and cabbage comes out and everybody is too sick to eat it.

Normally I'd be all for such a celebration, but for the fact that somebody has to work these things -- and once again that somebody is me. While I'm surely preaching to the choir with this column, I'd like to share some misconceptions and social faux pas regarding St. Patrick's Day that I've had the displeasure of observing over years:

· "Kiss Me I'm Irish" buttons will get you nowhere with the ladies.

· There is no "Official" Beer of St. Patrick's Day. Despite all its recent financial difficulties, the Catholic Church has yet to seek corporate sponsorship of its saints' feast days (though it may only be a matter of time…).

· The same goes for "Official" St. Patrick's Day Headquarters--as if that stinky dive down the street with the broken urinal would actually be the epicenter of the world's St. Patrick's Day celebration.

· Just because Mario's Bar and Grill has a shamrock in the window, it doesn't necessarily make it an Irish bar.

· In most circles, House of Pain's "Jump Around" is not considered traditional Irish music.

· Ask any brewer and they'll tell you -- when a beer turns green it's a BAD thing.

· Killian's Irish Red is made in Golden, Colorado, not Enniscorthy, Ireland.

· Killarney's is from St. Louis, Missouri, not Killarney, Ireland.

· The number-one selling lager in Ireland is Budweiser.

· Guinness is most certainly not a microbrewery (I can't make this stuff up -- I swear I actually heard someone say that once).

· Asking a bartender to put a shamrock on the top of a well-poured Guinness is like asking Da Vinci to put a mustache on the Mona Lisa.

· Not only is the "Irish Car Bomb" (a pint glass half full of Guinness with a shot glass of Bailey’s and Jameson dropped in) an appalling name for a drink, the waste of Guinness and Jameson in some novelty shooter is nothing short of blasphemy. Save the “Boilermakers” for the Milwaukee’s Best and enjoy a quality beverage the way it's meant to be enjoyed.

· A pint of Guinness takes a while to be poured properly -- if you're in a hurry then order something else.

· Guinness in a plastic cup is a travesty, no matter how busy the bar is.

· The plural of Guinness is Guinness, not Guinnesses.

· More often than not, Irish people (by that, I mean people born and raised in Ireland) couldn't give a rat's arse what town your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather left during the Potato Famine.

· There is no room for a discussion of Irish politics in a crowded bar.

· The stereotype of drunken Irish bar-fighters applies mostly to Irish-Americans.

· The Irish pastime of hurling is not what most people in this country think it means.

· No matter what you may have heard or read, a traditional Irish breakfast DOES NOT consist of a six-pack and a potato.

· No, I'd rather not wear a silly plastic green hat while I'm working, but thanks for the offer.

· There is no "siesta" napping on the bar for St. Patrick's Day -- you have that confused with Cinco de Mayo, which is two months away.

· Just because the bar is open all day and all night doesn't necessarily mean you have to be there drinking the whole time.

· Just because you gave me a big tip doesn't give you carte blanche for being an @$$hole!!!

Despite all my bitches, gripes and complaints, I'm well aware that there's a lot of earning of the green that goes along with the wearing of the green. So it looks like I'll once again have to "Er-Grin 'n' Go Bear-it" as I look forward to the pot o' gold at the end o' me rainbow -- the long, messy rainbow that it is.

In the meantime, may the road rise to meet the rest o' ye, and Sláinte ... from the bitter bollocks behind the bar.

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March 10: ON THE AVENUES: A funny thing happened on the way to a city council nightcap.

March 3: ON THE AVENUES: Since 1960, outside looking in.

February 29: ON THE AVENUES REPRISE: Die hard the Hunter, or the political "impossibility" of rental property registration in New Albany (2015).

February 25: ON THE AVENUES: Gravity Head again, because times change, and possessive pronouns change with them.