Even if the President did still drink, I wouldn't serve him, but I'd consider a cream pie in Dick Cheney's face.

As smudgy winter days go, Thursday got better as it progressed, unexpectedly becoming almost newsworthy just after lunchtime.

That’s when a generally reputable blog source, following up on a rumor first broached at Diggin In the Dirt, reported that nothing less than an undisclosed, eleventh-hour miracle intervened to spare New Albany from a Sodrel-boosting visit by none other than the Unprez, Dubious Dubya himself, who supposedly would appear next week at a made-for-FOX NEWS homeland security forum at the Grand Convention Center, there to read to the gathered luminaries from Dick Cheney’s dog-eared cue cards while making various hollow excuses for torture, wiretapping and other unconstitutional abuses.

NA Confidential spent the remainder of the afternoon mulling over the question of how much of this sudden speculation truly had merit, and how much of it belonged in the same strange and unsubstantiated realm as the “we spotted new Knobs homeowner Denzel Washington” craze of last autumn and the endlessly recurring sanitation contract conspiracy theories hatched by Cowards-R-Us over at the spitwad blogyard.

Plainly, the surreal implications of this presidential visit scenario, with secret service agents (nice shades, bro) cordoning off New Albany’s sleepy downtown commercial district, helicopters hovering overhead, news people scrambling for a stool at Little Chef, and not a single one of them able to find a decent mocha anywhere near the Grand, would completely overshadow whatever minimal value might be gleaned from an official agitprop set piece.

Ah, but for a heaven-sent chance to protest a Bush League visit to New Albany, to spit in my hand and hoist the anti-Wal-Mart sign in the company of the fist-pumping leftists … well, maybe that would be worth the trouble, especially with a day off work scheduled for next Wednesday.

Now it’s probably dead and gone before it even arrived, and consequently I just feel empty, rather like Dan Coffey's constituents do each time he proudly votes against progress in economic development.

Elsewhere yesterday in the blogosphere, regular NAC reader Iamhoosier expressed profound relief that there would be no media circus at the Grand:

Does anyone realize how close SOLNA may have come to being right, or more right depending on your view?

If the President had come to NA there is absolutely no way our sewer system could have handled the overflow of BS that would have arrived. I can see the welded-on manhole covers blowing now. Just like the 4th of July. Now there is a patriotic vision for us all.

Indeed, IAH. We can easily picture the masked (and potted) potty police rushing earnestly forward with their crayon-inscribed petitions (none bearing real names, of course) for the Little Texas Father to read, then being blown sky-high – all the way to the top of the majestic Elsby Building – not by secret service gunfire, but by spewing geysers of faulty intelligence about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq … or maybe just raw sewage, which after all is almost identical to the reasons why we went to war.

Then, recalling NAC’s previous and stunning world exclusive scoop that the Bistro New Albany will be opening soon just one door down from the Grand, bluegill added:

The bistro opening is exactly the type of hope needed to counter the sense of failure that accompanies our current president, whichever side of the river he chooses to profane.

Absolutely, Jeff. Instead of more spiraling White House lies, New Albany will be gaining a great dining and drinking establishment, and meanwhile, Louisville’s worshipful McConnellite groupies can deal with the collateral damage of hosting a failed president.

Let our brethren across the Ohio deal with the toxic waste.

Just for laughs, the last word on the non-visit of the scentless chief executive goes to Laura Oates of SOLNA, our city’s muddled court of last resort for the disoriented, the naysayers, the hooded attackers, the Luddites, the obstructionists, the feces fixated, the ghost professors, and the half-dozen members of the Steve Price fan club:

Boy, that communication (lack of) thing just keeps popping up doesn't it?I doubt he ever really intended to show up in New Albany. This community is currently barely on the radar. Just a few more screw-ups, and we will be belly up. Yeah, it's gonna be a year alright.

Until we can think of a new word for “year,” then yes, it certainly is going to be one for the next, uh, “year.”

Now that’s communication, syntax lovers. Just like the old man ...

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