A weekly column by Roger A. Baylor.
I started a joke which started the whole world crying
But I didn't see that the joke was on me, oh no
-- Bee Gees
A sense of humor is a serious business; and it isn't funny, not having one.
-- Martin Amis
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But seriously, do you want to know something really funny?
Thanks to the News & Tribune and the Associated Press, our humble anchor-laden city astride the mud flats by river’s edge – where unsold Bicentennial books double as paving stones and stray sheep are increasingly scared – has at long last achieved national renown.
In fact, David “Earthbound” Duggins has done the impossible, pushing celebrated basketball wunderkind Romeo Langford completely off the front page, in the process making New Albany into an overnight sensation, and the hottest go-to destination for every addled sociopath in America who gut-laughs and guffaws at the continued humiliation of our community’s most vulnerable populations.
That’s right, dear reader: We’ve been transformed into the place where you want to be, if being here means empowering an "interim" public housing director who remains utterly bereft of meaningful qualifications, one who blithely swaps administrative responsibilities for stand-up comedy, tells idiotic “jokes” about shooting, tasering and other acts of random violence, mumbles an insultingly insincere apology, and still keeps his job.
Evidently it's why the Associated Press is here: from sea to shining sea, up pops the same news story: Philly, Houston, LA, Seattle, Chicago and even US News and World Report, for Adam’s sake.
New Albany Housing Authority interim director David Duggins says he's "deeply sorry" for his comment after last Monday's housing authority board meeting.
The News and Tribune reports Duggins asked an officer to deploy a stun gun on Brandon Brown after Brown used a cellphone to record the meeting, where an activist spoke out against a plan to raze public housing units for a redevelopment project. Brown says the stun gun comment was frightening.
Faster than Duggins can deeply chug an ice-cold Bud Light Lime, something he actually is highly qualified to do, his cancerous ego and underdeveloped funny bone have combined to render our shakily recovering municipality into a laughingstock throughout the entire country.
Just as predictably, mired in his customary default condition of confusion, narcissism and cloistered stubbornness, Mayor Jeff M(ilhous) Gahan has said absolutely nothing to indicate he cares a single jot about this nasty situation, although it would surprise no one if he awarded Duggins yet another laudatory raise in pay.
How much money is enough for Team Gahan, anyway?
Seeing as Gahan’s sole purpose from the outset of his farcical public housing takeover has been to rid the city of what the mayor obviously regards as a parasitic class of unattractive poor people, why would he be bothered by TASERs, pistol-whippings or other acts of official intimidation if these are the tools deployed by his most trusted of monetizing adjutants to get ‘em the hell out?
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NON-DREAM SEQUENCE
“Davey, you’re doing a heckuva job,” tittered Gahan as his armor-plated golf cart rolled noisily down Erni Avenue, the heart of vanquished, conquered Baghdad – or was it Lane Land?
The giggly mayor gaped at his ubiquitous colonial coordinator Irving Joshua, who was diligently rubber-stamping demolition orders.
“Hey Irving, now that we’ve toppled the impoverished once and for all, can we start building some big-time luxury here? Daddy needs some campaign finance.”
“I don’t know,” replied Joshua. “We may have maxed out all of our TIF-Plus cards until 2046 – wait, where’s Dugout? He was standing here just a second ago, and I warned him against speaking with other humans.”
“Aw, he’s fine. Knucksie’s over there sweet-talking one of them non-citizens. Let me give Coffey a call and get this party started!”
A bearded man in a pith helmet was observed posturing over by the bus stop.
“Stop me if you’ve heard this one before,” Duggins jauntily yelled at a cowering resident.
“Ready? Okay, so I walk up to you and say that if you don’t do exactly as I please, I’ll have you shot, TASERed, drawn, quartered, muzzled, kicked out, and if that doesn’t do it, then we’ll get really rough.”
There was a pause. Duggins appeared puzzled.
“Why aren’t you laughing? I mean, that’s some funny shit, right?
Silence.
“All right, how about this one. Do you know they’re paying me six figures to drive a bulldozer though your house?”
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Here’s another knee-slapper.
As the days have passed since Duggins provided final, definitive and irrefutable evidence of Gahan’s morally bankrupt judgment, all sorts of nervous time-servers whose quivering beaks urgently rely on the mayor’s slop bucket for rivulets of sustenance have taken to earnestly advising Public Housing Resident Zero, offering him heartfelt counsel.
They’re all warning Brandon Brown to be super-duper careful about soulless agitators, conniving communists and malign influences hailing from outside the immediate vicinity of his square footage in Nawbany, accusing these troublemakers of having politics on their minds ... and maybe even reading books.
The horror!
As if the mayor hasn’t gotten out of bed a single time since 2003 without first pondering the political implications of getting dressed – and everyone knows you can’t stuff a fat bribe in a book; it causes an unsightly bulge where the ideas used to be.
The good news thus far is that Brown is coping quite capably, thank you. A few days after Duggins made his characteristically impeccable bid for immediate termination, the aforementioned Joshua, yet another gray-eminence Redevelopment toady brought to the NAHA to help man the wrecking balls, spent roughly ten minutes urging Brown to keep TASERgate safely in-house among “friends” – where it belongs, lest toxic vapors waft in the direction of Hauss Square.
Joshua fairly cooed: Son, just file a complaint with the NAHA board of bootlicking sycophants, where the paperwork will immediately come to none other than Joshua himself for lubed and expedited resolution.
Joshua continued: Better yet, newfound bosom buddy, why not come over to the conference room for a little down-home, closed-door chat with me – and Duggins, and a couple of police officers, and whomever else wants to get to the bottom of this misunderstanding as ol' pals and companions … and no one else knows yet, right?
At this juncture, finally able to wedge a word into the mellifluous spiel, Brown simply noted that he’d already complained to HUD in Indianapolis.
(This revelation produced a remarkable change in Joshua’s demeanor, but yet to be answered is why Joshua enjoys such an immense degree of unelected clout, which he has been wielding at Redevelopment since at least 2005, and surely before, as installed and maintained by successive Democratic mayoral regimes. Does this mean he has the incriminating photos under lock and key?)
Running the gamut from grubby to squalid and shamelessly shabby, Gahan’s operatives are covering every conceivable nuance, aren’t they?
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In short, just about everyone with something to lose has rushed straight to Brown in an effort to keep him quiet in the wake of Duggins’ latest outbreak of inexcusable and inappropriate behavior involving the powerless – as opposed to respectable high-dollar developers and engorged oligarchs, because hell, you can always reason with the golf-course set over bets, booze, beefsteak and broads.
And by doing so, we also see that Gahan’s minions aren't bothered in the least by "jokes" about injuring townspeople, but rather are spooked by those damned intruders from somewhere else – like Hoosier Action from Bloomington, the News & Tribune from Jeffersonville and NA Confidential, the latter a mere two doors down from the home of 3rd district councilman Greg Phipps, who once campaigned on a platform of social justice, and now believes it can begin only where city limits end.
Then again, xenophobia is in fashion, so how dare these disruptive foreigners come to Giddy Giddy City to disrupt our own Peculiar Civic Institution of Patronizing and Patronage?
The consummate irony of this situation is perfectly obvious, because what most of these radical “outsiders” share is nothing more than a sincere desire to represent New Albany townspeople who are at risk, when the majority of the city’s elected representatives have fled the scene in abject panic.
It has been nauseating. With the notable exception of State Representative Ed Clere (at-large councilman Al Knable is at least being responsive), the default response of local elected officials to the accumulated unpleasantness of Gahan’s housing putsch, whether Democrat, Republican or “independent,” has been drone-like rote agreement or hurried, abject capitulation.
Most commonly: “It’s not my area,” or “it’s nothing to do with me,” and “what can I possibly do?”
Your job, perhaps?
So very sorry to inconvenience our ruling bloc of (mostly) 50-something white males, all of whom attended Bulldog High, but you see, gentlemen, this was bad enough even before Duggins’ latest act of compounded incomprehension, which has irrevocably embarrassed the city of New Albany before a national audience.
I’ve already received a call from an intrigued eastern seaboard writing acquaintance asking for background about the putsch, which I speedily and happily provided.
Verily, Gahanism is rotten to the core, and living, breathing people like those residing in public housing are suffering the brunt of Jeffrey’s hastening implosion.
He's governing for some, not all, and when Dear Leader’s self-aggrandizing sand castle washes away, lots of local Democratic pillars are going to find themselves stranded by the tide – and council Republicans needn't smile, either, seeing as they're not exactly draping themselves in glory.
My suggestion is for the cadres to begin a long overdue rethink about this Gahan-engineered debacle – for instance, ceasing to listen to the groundless New Albany public housing mythology playing in their heads, and starting (for once) to look at reality on the ground.
Isn’t the departure of Duggins a fine place to begin the necessary cleansing?
When will enough be enough, whether it's campaign finance, embedded anchors or threats against life and limb?
As the Associated Press providentially has helped us to see, Duggins no longer is a liability to the city's deaf, dumb and blind ruling class alone. Now the contagion has spread, and we’re all being thoroughly slimed by his chortling, clueless and remarkably stupid idea of a joke.
The ball's in your court, mayor.
Can you at least make a gurgling sound to let us know if you're still breathing?
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Recent columns:
January 25: ON THE AVENUES: David Duggins’ violent “jokes” will continue until the New Albany Housing Authority’s morale improves – or Duggins is fired. We advocate the latter.
January 18: ON THE AVENUES: During our State of the Gahanaissance Address for 2018, feel free to resort to hard liquor. I did, and will.
January 11: ON THE AVENUES: Return to sender; decency is such a lonely word ... the sounds of silence reign o'er me.
January 4: ON THE AVENUES: Opposition? It is defined as resistance or dissent, expressed in action or argument, and in New Gahania, now's the time for it.
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