A chorus of methodical yawns as KIPDA gives Gahan a KITE award. Lest we forget, Milli Vanilli got a Grammy, too.

What could go wrong?

After all, Gahan's been lip-synching his fidelity to complete, walkable streets since ... say, what time is it, anyway?

2-way Streets Conversion Project Wins Transportation Excellence Award (Come to Futility City Hall)

Amid the boilerplate back-slapping, there are two interesting passages. First, this.

“I want to highlight and emphasize that the city did not rush to make a decision on the finalization of the conversion project. Instead, the city took its time and was methodical. The City also was not afraid to compromise and modify the plan as needed, especially when it came to changes prompted by the feedback received from residents. This project exemplifies how local government, community members, and contractors can come together to design the best plan for their city,” stated City Council President Patrick McLaughlin.

Yep. After 13 years of resistance, words like "glacial" and "tortoise-like" are better choices than "methodical," though KIPDA probably didn't take the sloth into consideration -- and who cares whether Rob and Fab actually sang, as long as the show looked good?

Then there's this.

“I was a supporter for the two-way conversion from the beginning. The traffic has slowed and our building is more visible now. I believe it will help all downtown merchants,” stated Terry Middleton, owner of Terry Middleton’s Karate/Kickboxing/Boxing on Market Street.

To repeat, "from the beginning" means roughly 2004, not the exact moment last autumn when BOW finally approved the street grid change, and at long last it became safe to board the Snail Express. That's when McLaughlin jumped on.

Interestingly, in a News and Tribune article from June 11, 2016, reporter Danielle Grady found Middleton nowhere near as enthused.

Terry Middleton has operated a kickboxing school on Market Street for 44 years. He said he is for whatever is best for downtown New Albany, which could be switching some streets, but not others.

If you'll excuse me, I'm off to pretend to croon some pop songs -- just like Gahan will continue to pretend he scored a perfect 100 on New Albany's street grid reform. In actuality, it was a 67, which comes out to a C only because most Democrats are content to grade him on the curve.

Not me.