SHOCKER: In which River Run Family Water Park's rules are revealed.

The Green Mouse spirited this top secret document past the perimeter defenses, across the street via wind tunnel, and to his waiting car, parked with those of other city employees at Holy Family.

Three dozen rules?

Who knew they could be this thorough?

POOL RULES, by Sam Shelstad (McSweeney's)

- No outside food or drink. Use the wall-mounted food pellet machines if hungry. These machines only accept Cleaning Tokens, which you can earn by cleaning the facilities.