The Utica Town Council’s recent anti-tolling resolution has proven to be the last straw for Kerry Stemler, the dyspeptic business mogul anointed by First Secretary Mitch Daniels as Permanent Political Commissar to the Selfless Plenum of the Bi-State Bridges Authority.
“Enough’s enough,” said Stemler during an impromptu press conference held at the hospitality suite of his River Ridge bunker.
“It sends absolutely the wrong message to the Selfless Plenum, which already must work tirelessly to implement a grandiose boondoggle against the wishes of the general populace. And what about me? Stonewalling alone takes hours away each day, with barely enough tme for an expense account meal!
“I’m firing the Utica town council. Not a one of them will ever work in this town again.”
Fondling a rare Prussian cavalry saber, the leather-clad Stemler continued, “Granted, I can easily maintain ideological purity with this putrid rubber stamp of an unelected Authority, but I simply cannot tolerate any hints of anti-Danielsist counter-revolution amongst merely elected officials.”
“Don’t they know who I am?”
Stemler then revealed his detailed plan to privatize the town of Utica, plow its fields with salt, and auction all remaining inhabitants to One Southern Indiana member realtors for use in filling unoccupied rental units elsewhere in the region.
“Spain’s going to want a piece of this,” said Stemler, “and if they don’t jump on it, I have connections in Macao.”
Stemler's Utica-B-Gone plan specifies that inmates of Indiana’s penal system be used to hand erase the name “Utica” from all Indiana state highway maps, one at a time, as well as all references to Utica in books from prison libraries.
“We’ll outsource the erasures for the public libraries,” said Stemler. “It’ll put lazy people to work, and after all, low-paying jobs are Job One for those of us doctoring the timesheets.
“For now, we’ll call the liberated area East End Bridge Ramp #1, but after the bridges project is complete, roughly from 2057 on, the town formerly known as Utica will be renamed for whichever dead Republican donor who we also name the bridge after.”
He smiled.
“Stemler City … it’s just easier that way, don't you think?”
Utica has never been right, it's kind of like a town you'd find in a Steven King novel, you can drive in, but you can't drive out.
ReplyDeleteIs he going to salt the Witch's Castle as well?
I use to go skinny dipping in the quarry there before they turned it into the gated community that it is now.
LB, thanks for the explanation. You seem to be choosing not to comply with the non-anonymous terms of engagement at this blog. Consequently, from here on out, I'll merrily delete your comments until you do.
ReplyDeleteThanks.
I laughed till I cried this was so funny.
ReplyDeleteRoger, I sent you 2 emails.
ReplyDelete