New Albany police have reported that a man identified only as “concern taxpayer” spontaneously combusted today just outside the Wal-Mart Super Store on Grant Line Road.
The deafening explosion rattled windowpanes as terrified shoppers clutched their credit cards and sought shelter at the Dale Earnhardt collectibles aisle, where good values on Ol’ #3 Condoms and silky NASCAR thongs were too good for some shoppers to resist in spite of the pandemonium.
According to eyewitness Prunella McCorkle of Nabb, the self-detonated concerned taxpayer seemed to be “very angry.”
“He parked his rusty Edsel in the handicapped spot and slammed the door off the hinges,” she said, “and he kept muttering to himself – something about Laura taking the high road, again and again."
“I saw him grab a woman carrying groceries, and he was saying, ‘the hell with those idiots. I have had to learn the hard way! The Little People of New Albany. Who or totally fed up-Pisted off and Madder than Hell. And keep preaching to the choir! Stay Focus Laura.’”
"It was so, so ... ungrammatical."
McCorkle borrowed this reporter’s hankie before continuing.
“All of a sudden, one of those cute little progressive.com insurance cars came driving past looking for a parking place, and concern taxpayer went totally berserk, screaming and kicking and spitting at it, all red-faced with the veins popping out … the next thing I knew, there was an explosion, and he … he was … gone.”
Psychiatric specialists warn that spontaneous combustion, while rare, can occur when factors like hatred, rage and an inability to fathom the modern world combine to increase body heat to the point where black humours ascend from gross fumes and create melancholy vapours, igniting underbrush in a soul that has been dried to a crisp by decades of being deprived of the milk of human kindness … and so it all goes “BOOM.”
To lessen the chances of combusting spontaneously, experts urge that ill-tempered and anonymous taxpayers try and remember that, “it’s only a blog, Daddy-O.”
Stay Focus Laura.
ReplyDeletePriceless. Just priceless.