State commerce agency to New Albany: It's dirty work, and we're happy you're doing it, not us

Statistics released this morning by the Indiana Department of Commerce show that the city of New Albany now leads the entire state in the production of unverifiable rumors and the fabrication of ambiguous statistics, with both these non-remunerative activities overtaking traditional retail and manufacturing as a source of amusement during waking hours, especially among a grayer demographic.

According to Indiana state economist N. B. Forrest, “New Albany traditionally has done wonders with spouting breathtaking ignorance and misinterpreting funky numbers,” but the percentage increase during the past three months has caught analysts completely by surprise.

“Quite frankly, we don’t know where all that mongering and factoid creation is coming from,” noted Forrest, who added, “New Albany currently is producing unmitigated nonsense at a pace far beyond that sustained by Indianapolis, a city many twenty times New Albany’s size.”

Unfortunately, New Albany’s recent success comes in a sector of the economy that many Indiana cities have abandoned in favor of more balanced, rational growth.

“The problem here is that the more people you have engaged in perpetuating irresponsible imbecility and conjuring phantom numbers, the fewer you get actually working and contributing to the tax base,” said Forrest, who in conclusion adds, “malice spreading and numerical mayhem keep a less skilled portion of the population busy, but many of us worry that’s it’s simply no way to run a railroad, much less a modern city.”