Flatulence Over Louisville: This homegrown recipe for fascistic fundamentalism will be a sure hit at your Derby party

"I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish church, by the Roman church, by the Greek church, by the Turkish church, by the Protestant church, nor by any church that I know of. My own mind is my own church."
~ Thomas Paine (1737-1809)

Louisville’s annual exaltation of phantom male potency, otherwise known as Thunder Over Louisville, will bring a half-million people to the banks of the Ohio today in orgiastic expectation of a raised middle finger of an air show and an unspeakably garish fireworks extravaganza that will allow them to forget – if only for a brief span of time – that there’s a NASCAR race under way in Phoenix.

But the real show comes tomorrow, when “Theocratic Sunday,” a Christian fundamentalist celebration of anti-pluralism, takes place at Louisville’s Highview Baptist Church.

Thousands of “Left Behind” junkies nationwide are expected to be watching the satellite broadcast, which should be more effective than a dozen Doug Hawkinses to position the country's 16th-largest city as a bastion of antebellum ignorance.

Yes, it’s been a bad week for Louisville.

First there was Tom Jurich, U of L’s athletic director, who looked in the mirror and mistook himself for Mayor, and accordingly threatened to continue holding his breath until a new multi-purpose arena is built in the backyard of the university’s choosing.

Then, it was revealed that the home of Yum! Brands corporate headquarters has one of the nation’s most pathetic rates of fast food addiction to go along with high smoking counts, rampant obesity, more pancake makeup than the Ziegfield Follies and the serial consumption of too much Lite beer.

Now, to complete this stunning trifecta of reactionary backwardness – and just in time for Derby – comes Six Flags Over Jesus, complete with a videotaped appearance by the U.S. Senate’s Ayatollah Frist and detailed instructions as to how, with just a bit of cutting and pasting here and there, our Constitution can be rewritten to ensure that America’s Christian extremism is just as threatening as Iran’s Muslim variety.

In fact, "Injustice Sunday" promises to be so far out in right field that even some fellow Baptists are alarmed by such a brazen assault on church-state separation and plan to protest.

Somehow, this is display of conscience is mildly encouraging, although there's precious little in this saga of theocratic intolerance to inspire optimism that America might soon join the ranks of civilization when it comes to the proper spheres of government and religion.

Such is the prevalence of hubris and the absence of an appreciation for history's lessons hereabouts ... but damn, Billy Bob, jus' look at the perty airplains fixin' ta bomb the godless ragheads -- hey, howzabout another Laaht beer?