Mike Sodrel announces high school "conservative realist" art competition, bans infidels*

Congressman Mike Sodrel announced this week he is sponsoring a 9th District Congressional Arts Competition open to well-groomed, polite and politically reliable 9th through 12th grade students in his district.

All high school students, except those whose parents made the regrettable career choice of supporting John “Traitorous Massachusetts Liberal Botox” Kerry in last fall’s election, have a chance to sharpen their drawing pencils, break out the paint and brushes or mount their photographs.

High school students who report the Un-American activities of their parents to the proper authorities in the Department of Homeland Security may enter the contest, and will be awarded bonus loyalty points according to the colorized loyalty table at www.loveitorleaveit.gov.

Qualified students in the visual arts will have their entries displayed locally and compete for the chance to have their work praised by paid political operatives posing as art critics in the U.S. Capitol Building in Washington D.C.

"I have personally been in contact with the guidance counselors at all high schools in Floyd, Clark, Scott, Harrison and Washington counties," said Area Director Carl Pearcy, whose 2003 ouster from a local at-large City Council seat resulted in his handy elevation to the trucking magnate Sodrel’s inner circle, where he is in charge of dispensing the political patronage that poured into the Ninth District from GOP donors all across the country in 2004.

"Students need to apply through their guidance counselors, who will verify the party affiliation of entrants and enroll them in the Young Republican Youth organization.”

Pearcy said he is asking the Fine Arts faculty at Indiana University Southeast to assist with judging and arranging a display location, and will see to it that Sodrel immediately transfers federal education funds from IUS to Christian Academy if the university does not cooperate by turning over lists of registered Democratic faculty members in addition to the requisite wall space.

One winner will be selected from among the local entries and submitted to a district-wide judging. The overall winner will be selected by a panel of strictly constructionist judges from the Ninth District, according to Pearcy.

"The District winner will be invited to attend a mass rally, prayer meeting and ribbon cutting ceremony at the national finals in Washington D.C. on Tuesday, June 14. And winners of the national finals will have their art work reproduced into thousands of standard-sized prints suitable for hanging in a prominent position in the homes of 9th District residents who are loyal to the G.O.P., Jesus Christ and George W. Bush … although not necessarily in that order.”

Those who do not comply will forfeit their future social security earnings and can bloody well move to Kyrgyzstan, Liberia or France if they don’t like it.

Art to qualify for display in the Capitol must be one-dimensional, conservative realist, creationist, with no more depth than Bill O’Reilly and be no larger than 32 inches by 32 inches measured at the inseam of the frame.

The following categories are eligible:

- Paintings of George W. Bush -- Acrylics, Watercolor, Etc.
- Drawings of George W. Bush -- Pastels, Colored Pencil, Pencil, Charcoal, Ink, Markers, Human Blood
- Collage of George W. Bush, Grover Norquist and Dr. James Dobson.
- Prints of George W. Bush -- Lithographs, Silkscreen, Block Prints
- Mixed George W. Bush Media
- Computer Generated George W. Bush Art
- Photography of George W. Bush or egg sandwiches that miraculously look just like him.

Specific directions about framing, contest rules, which church to belong to and the personal value system that entrants should be prepared to espouse publicly are available from high school counselors and art teachers.

Congressman Sodrel's Special Projects Director Dean O'Neal is also available to answer questions from qualified askers (have your security clearance and proof of G.O.P. donations ready when phoning) at the Seymour district office.

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* actually, here’s the real, unembellished press release about Mike “Big Wheel” Sodrel’s art contest, as published under the guise of news in yesterday's New Albany Tribune. The account above is satire. Get over it.