Monday, October 02, 2017

GREEN MOUSE SAYS: Deaf Gahan annexes the New Albany Mayor's Community Prayer Breakfast, eyes massive redevelopment deal.

The Green Mouse has learned that with the 49th annual mayor's prayer breakfast just around the corner in early November, Jeff Gahan has informed local religious leaders of his intention to annex and improve the event. 

Gahan's prospective invocation absorption process was outlined in an e-mail from the mayor's official personal Hotmail account, which the Green Mouse obtained from a disgruntled HWC Engineering employee.


Good morning, fellow New Albanian pastors, rabbis and religious authorities*,

As you are aware, the New Albany Mayor's Community Prayer Breakfast has a long and noble history of steadfastly ignoring the separation of church and state, and after much time spent praying with Mrs. Nixon in the chapel we built underneath the Down Low Mayoral Command Bunker, I've decided to make the Prayer Breakfast into an official arm of city government.

My handpicked minister of propaganda Mike Hall -- Duggins is way more spiritual, but I need him elsewhere -- will run our new Department of Homeland Supplication. 

We have a nifty new logo (don't worry; there'll be the usual selection of t-shirts, hoodies and Bible covers) reflecting the proper prioritization of worship.

I'll be rebranding the community prayer breakfast and making it into a big ticket, foodie-oriented day of fervent celebration, with chef-driven biscuits and gravy and a gospel concert series: 

Mayor Jeff M. Gahan Presents New Albany's Community Prayer Breakfast and Designer Cream of Wheat Walk

Develop New Albany can help with that last part. 

But there's a surprise, because we're going to construct a brand new venue for my prayer breakfast, honoring my main man, the former mayor and A Really Great Democrat who's never missed one: 

The Warren V. Nash Community Meditation Pavilion and Conference Center 

Michell Timperman Ritz has come up with a wonderful design, and I know you're just as excited as me to be able to finally get the prayer breakfast self-supporting. 

When I asked the interim Redevelopment Commission director to pick a spot for the Nash Center, it was like one of those miracles Coffey's always babbling about, because Shane said it will fit perfectly on the east side of our newly upgraded, refurbished and paved Bono Road, between the hospital and Graybrook Lane, right there where all those poor people used to live. 

I'm so happy they moved. It's almost like God is on our side, but just to be sure, we'll make the Nash Conference Center into its own TIF district. 

By the way, not even I can move enough mountains to pull this off in 2017, so we'll do one more prayer breakfast in the NAHS cafeteria until the construction is completed for the 50th anniversary in 2018. 

If you don't mind, keep all this to yourself. We wouldn't want those assholes at the Freedom from Religion Foundation to find out and spoil the oatmeal. 


* I've omitted imams for obvious security reasons. 

No comments: