Tuesday, February 05, 2013

Omnibus Alternative Charitable Solicitation Reform Plan is just a ditty about Scott and Diane.

This handy pictogram summarizes NAC's reform plan for local charities no longer able to use "roadblocks" to ask for donations.

Kindly note that in the future, we suggest using public art installations to block roads, thus freeing the charities to be reformed in the way we're about to outline.

Step One: Use Urban Enterprise Association facade grant funds to construct a new Potemkin Facade next to an existing drive-through window attached to one of the many abandoned fast food restaurants and banks. Because UEA funds for facade grants are limited, we'll have to augment them with EDIT monies, but it's for a good cause, right? We're providing an alternative here.

Step Two: Various worthy causes, ranging from established Salvation Armies to those ballclubs needing gas money for the tournament, need only apply to the Board at Works for their turn at the drive-through window, which is far safer than running out into intersections of streets that are so dangerous that we tolerate them every single day.

Step Three: In wintertime, there's room behind the facade for tents and camp stoves and a weenie roast, except of course weenie roasts are governed by the Health Department, so all appropriate permits must be acquired!

Step Four: For fear of foregoing the saving grace of Horseshoe Foundation supplemental cash, and remaining mindful of that most important of the Foundation Commandments (Honor Thy Funder), all participating charities will be compelled to belong to one or both of the major political parties, even if their non-profit charters say otherwise.

Step Five: So long as the city council engages the same architectural, construction, heating, air conditioning, plumbing and interior decorating firms always hired for such projects, we should be able to get this drive-through Potemkin bucket window built for about $1.1 million, not counting the actual pails.

What'd I tell you? It's even cheaper than Rent Boy Park.

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